Time Bandits

- -

Oh. All right, "Calvin." You're home. Goodbye.

Don't go. Don't leave me.

Yes. No, you'll want a speech about how we will always be traveling with you,

and by "with you," we mean "in your heart."

Alto.

We'll never forget you, "Carmen." We will always be traveling with you.

And by "with you," we mean "in your heart."

No, I don't want you to leave because this isn't my house.

Widgit.

- Yeah, it is. - It isn't.

- Widgit. - It is.

- It is. - It is not.

Yeah, it is. Look, there's your family over there.

They're not my family.

But they look exactly like you.

They're Neanderthals.

- Pretty rude thing to say about your mom. - She's not my mom.

She is a prehistoric Neanderthal woman.

- I'm a Homo sapien. -

You're probably about 50,000 years too early.

- - Um, I think your mom is calling you.

She's not my mom.

Go to her. Return to your pack.

She's not my mom, this isn't my house, and we're in the Ice Age.

If that's not your mom, then what's she doing with your dad?

He's not my dad.

Okay. Well, this sounds like a family matter,

and we should give them space.

Gonna be hard for him to rejoin the nest.

No, please.

They'll reject him if he smells different.

We're on a mission.

The transition since he's been away from them.

Please.

Don't make eye contact.

Adieu, young adventurer.

- I'm not... - So long.

See you later, "Kirk."

I'm only wearing pajamas, a towel, and a hat.

Oh, slipped my mind.

- Thank you. - Only got a limited number of these.

Almost forgot the translation cap.

Come, it's very cold out.

Look, he's not our concern. What do I care about his parents?

I don't understand.

Yeah. That's how I feel actually.

- Look at his little face. - Goodness' sake.

- Fine. Come on then. -

This one is going to bite us in the ass.

Oh, thank you, guys.

Right. I just want to say, this is the right place.

It will be Kevin's home eventually.

I just got the timings wrong a little bit.

So Kevin and I were both right really.

- Hmm. - Okay, Widgit. Let's get him home.

Next stop: Same place, different time.

- Right you are. - Do you wanna lead, Judy?

I thought we all lead equally.

- Yes. That's right. - Cool.

Me, the leader.

Okay. After we get rid of him, we're going to steal some jewels.

And not just any jewels, crown jewels.

What are crown jewels?

I don't know. I heard someone say it.

Well, the crown jewels are jewels.

- Okay, "Carlton." - Okay, "Calvin." Enough, enough.

Jesus crisp.

This is where you live, is it?

It's not, but I love it.

Oh, yeah. I see where we are.

Oh, and where is that exactly?

I don't know, but I can see it.

I imagine it's very difficult to master a map with four dimensions.

And I imagine it's very difficult to keep quiet.

Oh, spot on. It is.

I... I talk a lot when I'm excited, when I'm happy, when I'm sad.

Basically all the time. It doesn't stop.

The old motor mouth keeps on going.

- Hmm. - I... I hope I'm not bothering anyone.

Am I bothering anyone? Alto?

- Sometimes. - Okay. Judy?

- Uh, no. - That's good. Bittelig?

A little bit.

A little... A little bit, okay. Widgit?

- A hundred percent. - A hundred percent?

- Penelope? - Yes.

Well, I think it's time for the old Kevster to put a sock in it

and let the grown-ups talk.

But if you'd like to be useful,

maybe you could try to figure out where we are.

If it will be useful.

Well, it would be.

Okay.

Penelope, you just sent little "Cabin" into the woods.

Yeah, yeah.

He acts like he knows everything, but he doesn't.

He's really just like a little child.

- Yeah. - He is a little child.

Okay... But that wears off.

Right?

His bedroom was like nothing I've ever seen before.

Because of the wallpaper?

No, 'cause of power.

At one point, the map pulsed like it was in the presence of real knowledge.

Okay, but that's not because of him. He knows nothing.

Guys, I know where we are.

Come on, come on!

Okay.

- Well, let's go. - Mm-hmm. I, um...

Check it out, guys.

It looks like we're in what became Mexico, in the Classical Maya period.

Uh-huh, and what is there to steal here?

Do you always have to steal?

Isn't it enough to experience these incredible civilizations?

Stealing is our calling. Stealing throughout history.

Proving ourselves to those who doubt us or underappreciated us.

Your parents?

Or the Supreme Being.

Or the Ultimate Goodness, as he called himself.

Yeah, he created us and everything else.

Well, if he's all goodness, and you stole from him

and you're on the run from him,

doesn't that mean you're the bad guys?

Yeah, so you better watch out. Okay, everybody.

We have to be stealthy but fast, so employ the scurry.

- Yes. - And scurry.

Scurry.

- Wait. - Wait.

- Stop and huddle. - Wait. Huddle.

- - Here's the thing:

I read that the Maya will select certain people

and give them the time of their lives.

- Yes! This is so good. - Goody.

No, that's not the thing.

They would burn them, peel their skin off, then they'd cut the head off.

Then they'd open the guts,

then they'd put the head in where the guts were.

Then they'd take the guts and shove it on a tree,

take the fingers off and put them in the mouth of the head.

And then they'd, like, cut the ears off, and then sacrifice them to the gods.

- What? No. Is that true? - Oh, no.

Anything else you wanna tell us about them, Mr. Downer?

They liked cocoa.

I like cocoa.

Oh, we will be getting cocoa and more.

- Oh, yes. - Stay alert.

We don't wanna get caught by the guards.

- And scurry. - Scurry.

Instantly caught.

- Run? - Who, us?

Well, I meant us, but you could too.

- We all could. We all could. - Who are you?

Okay, well...

Are you from a neighboring town?

- Yes. - No.

No. No. No.

Are you then, uh, strangers?

By "stranger," you mean "someone you don't know"?

Of course that's what I mean.

Well, what I always say is,

"A stranger is really just a friend you've never met yet."

That's what I always say.

- Oh. -

- You really always say that? - I do that. I do do that, yeah.

Ooh, I'm so delighted that you guys are strangers,

as we Maya, we're very welcoming to strangers.

- Really? - Oh, yeah. Big time.

My future friends, you have to come and meet the queen.

Ooh.

Yeah. She loves strangers.

To sacrifice.

What?

Don't listen to him. He's an idiot.

- Sorry. - Kids.

Follow me.

- Move. -

Everybody, stop what you're doing. Look, I found strangers in the woods.

- - Look, there's a big one and a small one.

Thank you.

Welcome, strangers. So lovely to see you.

Oh, thank you.

- Yes. Hello. - Come, please. Have some avocado.

- Thank you. - Thank... Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you. - Hi, I'm Judy.

That is very kind of you.

There are some tomatoes going around.

- Thanks. - Hey, Widgit? Hey, hey.

See? Very hospitable. Yeah.

Finally, I'm... we're being treated like I... we should be.

- Yeah. - Right?

All right. Guys, it's time for you to meet the queen.

- Follow me, follow me. - Okay.

Come to the palace.

Look how great and big it is.

Welcome, my strangers.

Please bow to our queen, Lady Sak K'uk'.

- Oh. - Hello.

Welcome, welcome, strangers. Lovely to meet you.

- Hello, Your Highness. - Hi.