Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed

They finally arrived. I mean, check this out.

Check out the box. It's absolutely incredible.

I can't wait to tear into this. So, yeah…

I'm gonna kill him! I am going to murder him.

I'm gonna murder that guy. I am gonna chop him up into tiny little pieces

and then I'm gonna glue those pieces back together, reanimate him,

- and chop him up again. - No, you're not, Paula.

Yeah, probably not. It's, like, a ton of work.

Yeah, logistically speaking, it'd be, like, a lot of work.

Like, bone glue and, like, those weird clamps and…

Who watches cable TV anyway?

Can you please, like, stop and just… Come on, have a beer with me.

I've got too much to do.

And I'll fall asleep. I'm old and broken.

You are not old.

Well, I am broken.

How does this look?

Trev?

- What? What… - This?

The goat is too small.

- Really? - It's a small goat, yeah.

Okay.

- Small goat. -

I need to get this place set up or else Karl's not gonna let Hazel sleep here.

That is crazy.

My ex's lawyer's, like, super aggressive,

and mine got his job because he's good at softball.

Relax, yeah?

- You're doing great. - Well, that… that is untrue.

No, it is true. You just have to push through this beginning.

Beginnings are always the hardest part, right?

No. Endings are the hardest part.

- - Beginnings are pr…

you know, full of promise.

Like, maybe… I don't know… just this one time,

instead of getting fisted by the giant puppeteer in the sky,

I'll, like, find love or happiness.

Maybe even just a $20 bill on the ground, right?

But then, if this is the good, happy part of my life,

I might as well just cut it short and take a bath with a toaster.

No.

- If I could even find it. - No. No toasters.

It's possible I'm being dramatic.

I think so, yeah.

Thank you for listening.

Of course.

Oh, shit. I hate to do this, but we've only got, like, six minutes left.

- Already? - Yeah.

Unless, uh, you want another hour?

Can we make six minutes work?

Paula, come on. Six minutes?

Six minutes is like, uh, a lifetime.

Do you know how fast I can get you off?

- Poor guy is suffocating down there. - Better let him breathe.

I'm gonna make you feel so good, Paula.

'Cause you deserve it.

Mmm.

Hey, come on. Take your clothes off.

I wanna see your body.

- - Ticktock.

- Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. - Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock.

Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock.

Oh, my God. You're so hot.

No, you're so hot.

No, you're young and strong and smooth like a dolphin.

It's not even close.

Wow, you look fucking gorgeous.

Are you ready for this?

Oh, fuck.

- Oh. -

- Oh. Yeah. - Here

- we… -

…go.

- -

- -

- There's my baby. - Hi, Mama.

Hi, Hazel.

I really want to sleep over at your new apartment, but Dad says I can't yet.

Oh, you totally can. No, tomorrow night.

It's gonna be so much fun.

We need to do the banana dance. We need to do the banana dance.

Oh, my God. I was born to banana dance.

You know, I can do all the tropical fruits.

I can mango. I can pineapple.

- - I can--

Oh, I gotta go.

- Bye, Mommy. Love you! - Hey, P.

Can I pretty please get any fact-checks on that story, like, now?

Uh… Oh, well, I mean, it's 3,000 words, and I just… just… just got it.

Yes, but somebody here is always late on a deadline.

- Excuse me? - JK, Drew. JK.

He is onto a major story, though, so we have to move.

People want to read about the senator's improprieties.

They don't care about precise deets.

Okay, yeah. Totally get it. But just in terms of, uh, fact checking,

there's some problematic "deets."

- What? - Look, well…

Like, she says she took the A-train to get to his office.

- The A-train doesn't even go there. - She took a train.

- It's truth-y. Help us, Paula. - She took a train.

Look, Paula. I know you have the highest standards.

But it's no good if we finish second. You've asked for a bigger role here, yes?

Yes.

And we all agree this department needs a leader.

And I'm totally ready for that.

Yeah, management is looking at outside candidates. I have been pushing for you.

- Okay, thank you, thank you. - No, don't thank me.

Just show everyone you are who I hope you are.

We need this article by end of day. Do you feel me?

You are felt.

Hey, P.

"You are felt"?

What a deeply weird thing to say.

Yeah. Were you trying to be sarcastic or, like, kiss her ass?

Neither of them worked, by the way.

No, 'cause if you wanna kiss her ass, you would hide your anger better.

Yeah. Like, we really hope you become our boss.

Yeah, we're like, "We really hope that you become our boss."

And if you would be sarcastic,

you would, like, change your inflection a bit more.

We really hope you would become our boss.

You have to change the inflection.

Could you please go back to work?

Come on, Paula. We're just, uh… …"JK'ing."

- Paula, we're just "JK'ing." - It's Suzie.

It's a Suzie impression

- because of her accent. - 'Cause of the British accent.

- Up yours, Rudy. - Okay, putting it up there.

Love ya.

Guys, I want to move my gator,

but we need more cha-ching in those chats, you know?

You wanna see our tips, we need to see your tips.

Beautifully put, Sky.

- We want fancy sushi for lunch. - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Not that imitation crab. We want crab crab!

Uh… Guys, remember I do private video chats,

uh… as well. So, you know, you turn your camera on too.

- - Just put the request in down there.

I wanna play with you.

Meet me today. Deposit and screen name required for all--

Hot and ready for you. Explosive. One little deposit.

Hi.

Hey, good looking. How are you doing?

Uh… Yeah, good.

I thought we were having dinner together.

My mom is the exact opposite.

Like… super traditional. You know, she's, like, a big fan of Barbara Bush.

Yeah. We had, like, a farm with animals and everything.

- Really? - Yeah.

You are looking at the blue ribbon winner…

…for my pig at the county fair.

No, you're fucking with me.

I'm not. It's true.

Wait, is this, like, a fantasy for one of your other clients?

Like, they like to watch you milk a cow real slow?

No, I'm serious. It's true. It's, um… I have a picture somewhere.

Honestly, I just didn't think I'd be here, you know?

Like, I'm supposed to have it all figured out.

And I'm a mess.

I have you and a third grader to talk to.

- - Like, I'm barely treading water.

That's good company.

Also, you're saying treading water like… like it's a bad thing.

But, I mean, treading water is what you do to keep from drowning.

I did get a certificate in Girl Scouts for treading water.

You are so smart, and funny,

and sexy as hell.

- - Oh.

Uh… Coming!

- Uh, hold on one second, okay? - Wait. Somebody's here?

I don't know. It's the door.

Okay.

- Coming! -

No! No! Go away! Go!

Get-Get outta here! Fuck outta here! Fuck out!

- Oh, my God. - Get out!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Help! Help me! Call someone! - Holy shit. Trevor?

Okay, okay, okay, okay!

Hey! Leave him!

Fuck. Leave him alone!

Leave him alone!

Leave him alone!

Uh… I'm filming!

I'm filming! Stop it!

Leave him alone!

What do you want? What do you want?

Oh, my God. Leave him alone!

I'm filming you, motherfucker!

Ko si ti?

- Fuck! Paula! - Oh, my God.

Paula, call someone! Paula, help!

Oh, my God. Leave him alone! Stop it!

Ko si ti?

- Please! -