Bumpin' Body Phat

In conclusion, let me just put this

as plainly and simply as I can.

If you can not eliminate any collateral burden that would

validate the Constitutionality of Mr. Andre's apprehension,

than probably cause for the warrant must be excoriated.

Excoriate, from the Latin, excoriates,

past participle, excoriare, "ex" meaning out of,

plus "Corium," meaning skin,

which makes my client... not guilty.

I mean, does it get any simpler than that?

Yes, it does, it does get simpler than that.

The defense rests, Your Honor.

Nailed it.

Is that how you do trials in corporate law?

Oh, no, no, no, we never saw the inside of a courtroom.

No, it was all just filing briefs,

and conference calls with Dubai.

Can you believe this was my first jury trial?

- No. - Yup.

Now, do you think it was too much reading all of

Miranda versus Arizona?

No, I'm... I'm sure the bus driver

and professional birthday clown got it.

Yeah, it looks like everyone's all aboard

the "not guilty" express.

Next up, "not guilty" town.

Will the defendant rise.

The clerk will now read the verdicts.

On count one in the matter of

people versus Neil Gabriel Andre,

we the people find the defendant guilty.

Count two, we the people find the defendant guilty.

Count three, guilty.

Count four, not guilty.

Oh, no sorry, That's a typo... guilty.

My bad.

Oops.

Benched - 01x04 Sell It

In the abrogation of scurrilous ineptitude...

Collateral burdens that would validate

the Constitutionality.

Wou... would you like a spot of tea?

Are we doing Downton Abbey?

What the hell was that?

I mean, it's not the supreme court.

It's a freaking jury.

Half of them think that Two and Half Men

is actually happening.

Okay, my arguments were bulletproof.

Listen, I know the nuances of talking to a jury

is a learned thing, but how much time you got?

I have an hour before jury selection.

Oh, you're dead. She's boned.

What, are you gonna quiz the jurors

on the Sherman Aust act of 1890?

- Is that a real thing? - Yes, Cheryl.

All right, what have you got? Let's hear it.

No, I feel like they covered it.

Oh, come on, you piece of crap.

Well, I just lost my entire opening argument.

- Oh, well. - Wait, you have a trial?

Yeah, going up against your ex, Trent,

and I hate going up against him,

because I get really competitive,

and I hate being competitive, but he makes me competitive,

but I'm not competitive guy. I mean, I-m... I'm the kind of guy

that everyone gets a trophy, kind of guy,

but, now I just want to kick Trent's ass.

Do I have it in me? Is today the day?

Probably not, stay tuned.

You're not listening. Who's that, Miss January?

No, it's O'Shea "Tinsy" Curtis, armed robbery.

Okay, the jury will convict him on that face alone.

Good luck with that.

Winning over a jury is simple.

It's like talking to your peers.

Well, your sixth grade peers.

So the jury is pubescent dumbs-dumbs.

No, no, they're not dumb-dumbs,

they're-they're smart-dumbs.

It... it's... it's... it's a very subtle difference.

It's like jazz. If you have to explain it,

then you'll never understand.

Wow, you're great at giving advice.

You're taking advice from a guy who can't figure out how to shave?

Hello, respected colleague, she said platonically.

- Hm. - No, I'm just taking your ex,

here, through some of the finer points

of my lawyering techniques.

Simplify, okay. Just keep it simple.

When you've simplified it, simplify even more. It's easy.

Don't, you don't have to dumb it down.

You just have to be the one they all look up to.

It's like you're the cool boss

at an office party, telling a joke.

Yeah, yeah, an office party full of wood shop students.

No, not... not wood shop students,

like Terry from accounting, or Stan from HR.

Gary, the guy that can't get the dip on the chip.

And Gary's life partner, who invented Phil's penis pump.

And Trent's hair plugs will be there.

Okay, this is fun, but I have to go.

Hey, why don't you come watch me convict Phil's client

- for dealing oxy. - Ah, allegedly.

Might learn something.

- Yeah? - No.

- No. - No, not today.

- Oh, not today, but maybe? - No.

Damn it.

Objection.

Motion sustained,

30, love.

You play tennis, right, Trent?

Oh, yes, Your Honor, I played last week

at Highland Grove Country Club.

Ooh, I love that club.

They make a dynamite Cubano sandwich,

made by an actual Cuban.

- Wow. - Did you know that?

I didn't, but it sounds delicious.

Uh, if... if it please the court, we would like to listen...

Sit down.

Mr. Prosecutor, your serve.

Hey, how's your non-competition going

with Trent? Did you beat him?

- Was today the day? - So you were listening.

I thought this whole Trent thing was about us being lawyers.

Apparently, now it's about tennis.

He's got this, like, charm offensive crap that he's pulling

with judge ickles, who normally hates everybody,

- Mm-hm. - Right?

Now, he's looking at Trent

like he's on the cover of Maxim.

I don't get it. Does Trent even play tennis?

Oh, yeah, but he's terrible.

He used to just SWAT at the ball,

and then throw his racket down,

and then we'd drive home in, like,

a real awkward silence.

Really, see, this stuff.

You guys used to be boning partners.

How about some of that inside info?

Ew, no, God.

Okay, well, there was this one time where he... he spilled

his Rogaine on his balls, and there was just so...

It was like a chia pet. It was... it... it puffed up.

I mean, it's like it was so... really furry.

- That is... - Not the info you needed.

That's not the info anyone needed, no.

- Got it. All right. - Just tell me how to beat him.

No, I am not... I am not getting involved

in your weird pissing match. Uh-uh, no.

Okay, I don't care.

All right, okay, all right, well I'll tell you

one thing, okay? The key to Trent is his confidence.

You got to beat him at something in order to beat him

at something else, and then once he smells defeat,

his confidence is shaken.

Oh, give me that.

Kind of like how I just shook yours?

Psh, you did not shake my confidence,

- I just... I don't have nails. - Oh, okay.

Well, I'll beat him at something.

Well, good luck with that. I have a jury to impress.

That's right. Remember, sixth graders, not office party.

- Got it. - One syllable words.

- Got it. - Helps if they rhyme.

Oh my God, you're still talking.

Can I get a different...

Nothing further, Your Honor.

What a fun guy. What a fun guy.

But, uh, truth be told, I can be pretty fun, myself.

So, buckle up.

My name is Nina,

and this is an assault case.

You ever been assaulted?

Yes, I was rudely addressed by Philip Roth, once.

I am very sorry.

Okay, this is great, this is like

a... a fun office party, right? You're here, guy in the...

The blue shirt and the tie.

Um... Joseph Daniels.

I've never been assaulted.

My boss is black, and yes, I can be impartial.

See you got a wedding band on your... your finger there,

but it says here that you're single,

so... sending me mixed signals there, Joey.

My wife left me a month ago.

I'm gonna go ahead and correct your file here,

and just put that down.

Hey, how'd it go? Did you keep it simple?

I tried simple. I tried fun party guy,

but it's not my approach. It's me.

Apparently, I'm unlikeable.

This looks nothing like you.

- Thank you. - Except the fangs.

I have to admit, these are the most hateful jury doodles

I've ever seen.

Ooh, scary kitty.

I always found a way to win,