The Millers

Damn, these tights are cutting me a new butt crack.

Got to say, I'm actually uncomfortable

with how comfortable I am in these things.

I mean, come on.

Look, my calves look amazing. I ought to wear these

when I put the angel on top of the tree, huh

so you and your family looking forward to Christmas?

I don't know. I don't know

what it's gonna be like this year.

My parents are divorced, I'm divorced,

My DVR recorded "Frosty the Snowman" in Spanish.

Just everything is... Everything's off.

- Right. - How about you?

You going to Atlantic City?

Man, it wouldn't be the holidays if I didn't have

Pai Gow Poker chips in one hand and a comped eggnog in another.

Hey, guys.

Anyone else's elf pants just crawling up their ass?

Oh, right here!

I can almost taste mine.

Mm.

Nathan, Merry Christmas.

Oh, wow. I didn't, uh, realize we were doing gifts this year.

- You know what threw me off was our bitter divorce. - Come on. We're past all that.

I just saw this, and it made me think of our old tradition.

The one where we exchange pajamas,

not the one where you, uh, stuffed my stocking.

See you outside, saint nips.

Ow! That's my spot!

Uh... oh, I know what this is.

What?

Single girl flying solo for the holidays

buys her ex a gift.

That girl is Christmas horny.

Shut up.

He could be right, Miller.

Ray is overreacting, booms, okay?

Trust me, Janice does not want to get back together.

Oh, I didn't say she wanted to get back together.

I said she was Christmas horny.

And if you two guys have sex,

it's gonna be drama all over again around here.

No, don't let that happen, Miller.

This was not a very pleasant work environment

after that divorce.

Oh, come on. We always kept it very professional.

Really?

Because I seem to remember breaking up a spit fight

in the parking lot.

You both lost your dignity.

And I lost a very nice suede jacket.

Not an easy item to find in a boy's husky.

The Millers S01E10 "Carol's Parents Are Coming to Town"

Hey. I just put

Mikayla's present under the tree.

She's gonna freak.

I got her a surface tablet.

I don't know what that is, but she's not gonna like it

any more than the Walkman Cassette Player I got her.

I had to go to 15 stores before I found one.

Must be really popular this year.

It's... It's a computer tablet, mom.

Yeah, you know, like the one she was playing with at the mall.

Oh, that. I'm not a big fan

Of anything that has more answers than me.

Plus, she started at it hypnotized for 90 minutes.

It was like your father with the Lane Bryant Catalog.

Oh, mom, your phone's ringing.

Hey, it's grandma.

Oh, great. The woman starts talking the second she stops dialing.

When I pick up, she'll be in the middle

of a conversation I can't get out of.

So the whole thing blew up, and now we have no heat.

I told your idiot father not to buy that fish tank.

Anyway, we should be there tomorrow.

Y... You're coming here for Christmas?

How? Dad's not even able to get around.

Bud, pick up the phone!

Hello?

Hi, dad.

Hey, I got two new knees... titanium.

Look at this, look at this.

She can't see ya, ya numbskull.

She's on the phone.

They're like new.

Yesterday, I stepped over a puddle.

That... That's great to hear.

Did I tell you, yesterday, I stepped over a puddle?

Bud, hang up the phone!

Carol, since your father can drive again,

we'll be up there to see you for Christmas.

Mom, listen, I... I'm not so sure...

No, tell me tomorrow, Carol.

You're running up my phone bill and you're boring me.

Bye!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

My parents are coming for Christmas!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

We have work to do.

Put on your socks with treads.

I'll dig out the family pictures.

Hey, what the hell's going on?

We have to make it look like your father

and I still live here.

Mother knows I would never put up

these tacky mall kiosk ornaments.

I mean, who is Little Wayne,

and why is he looking for a ho-ho-ho?

Whoa-whoa-whoa, Debbie, what day is trash pickup?

Thursday.

Oh, thank goodness.

I'm getting my wedding ring.

For three months, I've been trying to shoot it

from across the room into the trash can. Wouldn't you know,

this is the week I finally got the shot.

W... Wait... Wait a second.

You haven't told grandma yet that you two are split up?

I can't. Her neighbor Judy has been divorced for 40 years,

and my mother still silently boos her

mom, I need to point out what a hypocrite you're being.

Because when I lied to you about my divorce,

you grounded me for three months.

Which ended yesterday, by the way.

So I'd appreciate it if I could get my Xbox back.

I got the ring.

And who threw away the Lane Bryant Catalog?

Dad, I can't believe you're going along with this. Why?

I can't have Blanche banning me from her lake house.

It's so beautiful.

You wouldn't believe how many stars you can see.

Last year, I saw Linda Ronstadt at the bait shop.

Hold on just a second. I'm confused.

If they still think you're married,

why would you still live at this house?

Yeah, they know that you moved

to Myrtle Beach ten years ago.

We all visited at the same time.

I was on grandma's sunscreen duty.

Felt like I was massaging damp corduroy.

About a month ago, my mother sent

candied pecans down to Myrtle Beach, and they got returned.

When she called, I panicked.

I told her we moved back to Virginia to help Debbie

while Adam was in rehab.

Rehab?

Adam doesn't even eat sugar, let alone drink.

It was for heroin.

Oh, come on!

It's a tangled web, honey, and we're all in it.

Nathan, you're gonna have to call Janice

and get her over here tomorrow.

What?

I didn't tell her about your divorce either.

Mother would kill me if she knew

I let my son give up on his marriage.

Mom, I'm not gonna spend my Christmas lying.

Hey.

Uh... oh. Carol, what are we gonna do about the kids?

She's not gonna be able to keep up with the lies. Carol?

Merry Christmas, honey.

Your uncle gave you a computer tableau.

Cool!

I don't even need to say any more. She's already in a trance.

But she'll come up for air around new year's.

Mom, I'm not doing this.

You're not gonna ruin my family's Christmas

by forcing us all to tell lies.

- Wait, what lies? - She told my grandma you were addicted to heroin.

That's not very Christmasy.

Well, don't worry about it, because we're not playing along.

Yeah, me, neither.

You made your bed, mom, now you can lie in it.

Oh, really? Really?

Mom's in a jam, but she's made her bed?

What about all the beds

you people have made over the years?

That summer when you gave yourself the home perm.

Did I say, "Nathan, you made your bed",

or did I send you to clown school for three weeks

until it settled into a wave?

And, Debbie, when you wet your pants

at your school talent show, who pulled the fire alarm

so your sorority sisters wouldn't find out?

Year after year, I've cleaned up after your messes.

And when Christmas rolls around,

do I put you on the naughty list?

No, I make sure that your Christmases are magical.

And now, this one year, when mom's in a jam

and needs your help, you have the nerve to tell her

she's made her bed and there'll be no Christmas?!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

And so that son of a gun had the nerve

to ride our tail for 15 miles.

So, finally, at a red light,

I get out of the car and I say, "Listen, officer,

turn off those damn flashing lights."

And I bet dad wasn't even speeding.

No.

But it seems that we were dragging a bicycle