Off the Hook

RUMBLE OF THUNDER

AAAGH! AAAAH!

No-o-o-o!

We had this traffic cone and we were passing it round and Midge went, "Danny's asleep!"

So we shoved all the jelly right down. And his mouth, right... Morning.

Look at that.

Yeah, it's nice, Danny, but is that the most appropriate place for it?

Maybe where we're not eating?

I'm not looking for a home for it. I found that next to my head.

That's weird. Did you put it there?

Why would I want to put a stuffed bird next to your head?

To freak me out so I'd crap the bed? It wasn't me.

Did you crap the bed? No! Look, someone put this thing in my room and it scared the hell out of me.

Oh, is that why you were screaming? I thought you were being murdered.

How come you didn't try to save me?

No, I almost did, but then I... fell back to sleep.

It must have been Weird Bloke.

What?!

(Why would Weird Bloke creep in and do that?)

Pretty creepy even by his standards.

I've heard it's a sign of impending death.

First he gives you a bird, then he rips your face off.

He's probably right, Danny. You're not making me feel much better.

I'm guessing Weird Bloke put that thing in the fridge as well. What thing?

HEAVY BREATHING

What the hell is that?

Looks like a monkey's paw.

He's the Angel of Death.

It's one thing to stay in his room for five weeks,

but sneaking into my room at night is just not on. You're making it a bit deal.

It's probably just a gift. It's Halloween. How would you like it if he crept into your room? My room?

Why's he coming into my room? You're the one he wants. See?

It's not such a nice thought. BELL RINGS

What are you doing? I've got a lecture. I'll wait here.

Think about the party invites.

Listen, man, forget Weird Bloke. We've got a great night planned.

Don't let him ruin it. I suppose. It's the party of the decade, man!

It's going to transform our lives and turn us into kings!

Tonight will go down in party history. Aren't you building it up a bit much? Absolutely not.

I've organised the costumes, the booze, flyers. Reckon we should invite Fleur and Fleder... hosen?

It's Flundergraft. No, I think that date destroyed any chance there.

They can't say it wasn't interesting. We spent the whole night burping, farting and frothing. We ARE men.

And then I passed out unconscious.

It was the worst date in history. I've had worse. When? A girl back home. I vommed in her mouth. Yeah!

That was worse. Anyway, there'll be plenty of other girls at the party.

Yeah(!) That's the great thing. Why go chasing after the women?

The women can come to us!

Hey!

What's that? Another sign of impending death.

Oh, my God! Weird Bloke? I wonder(!) Who else could have done it?

What the hell is that?! Weird Bloke did it. Why? Because he's weird!

He does weird things. That's why we call him Weird Bloke.

Maybe it's a reminder that life's short, painful and meaningless. And he's going to slit our throats.

It might not be that! Do you think you've a mild obsession with death?

No. So what are we gonna do?

Do you think we should move it? We don't want it here for the party. It might freak people out.

Don't touch it! Ah! It might have evil powers.

It might turn us into a frog or, worse, a cat. Why is a cat worse?

Cos a frog's an amphibian. But a cat can always land on its feet. And lick its own genitals.

Yeah. Yeah. Can we discuss what to do with this monstrosity? It's hideous!

We should call the police. "There's weird wood in the flat!"

Tell them we live with a psycho, potentially with evil powers, who might be planning to kill us all!

I've got to hand out these invites.

Oi! Weird Bloke! You've left your toys out again!

This better get moved by the time I get back.

# Pray for the people inside your head... #

Want to come to the best party in town?.. OK.

Halloween party? It's going to be insane.

Halloween party? Halloween party? Please! It'll be good!

Halloween party. Be there. It's going to be amazing.

You're coming. You're coming.

Don't miss it.

Halloween!

Hi. Hi.

Do you want a cup of tea? No, I'm fine, thanks. How's it going?

OK.

Did you get my photo? Yeah, I did.

Thanks. It was...

It was beautiful.

Well, that was how it was supposed to look.

You don't honestly believe I'd put Shane's hairy ginger rump on my project? I know.

I just wanted to apologise again. Again. Again.

I keep messing up and I just want us to be friends.

Well, I guess since Weird Bloke's gonna murder us anyway, we might as well be.

And thanks for moving the Devil's climbing frame. That's all right.

It's quite quiet here. Without Shane. Isn't it?

Yeah.

It is.

Party people! Come and get your costumes!

I've got costumes for everyone! Where's Scarlet? Get out here!

There you go, darling. What's that? Belly dancer!

Nice try. Don't think so. Where's your sense of fun? YOU wear it.

I don't have a problem with it. Step away from the bra!

Fred! There you go, mate. You got Fred a monkey costume? It's what he asked for.

I always wear a monkey costume. Did you get me Spider-man? Even better than that.

A Mexican wrestler! I told you to get me Spider-man!

What are you - six?! You want to stand out.

Not looking like a spoon! Fine. I'll be the Mexican wrestler.

You can be the gladiator or the belly dancer. Belly dancer!

Gladiator. Boring! There you go. So you handed out all the flyers, yeah?

Only got a couple left. "Come to a spooktastic party! It will be phantom-tabulous!"

Yes! Boys and girls, this will be the Halloween party to end them all.

The king of Halloween... No, no. The emperor of Halloween parties.

Guys, this is going to be the god of Halloween parties!

Did you not put the address on it?

Huh?

Hi, guys. How you doing? Good... Girls, need a drink?

Hey, there he is! The guy.

It's not really the god of parties. I just spent the whole afternoon telling people where we live!

What is this music?! I'll change it! Did you tell them it's fancy dress? I can't think of everything! Great.

Look, it doesn't matter. It helps them recognise us. As total freaks.

Man! More chicks! Great. I'm going to get drinks. You look after them.

Hi!

Hakuna matata!

Hey!

This is great. We had a little problem with the flyers. Hope it'll fill up later. This is fantastic.

It reminds me of this feast they held for me in Malawi. I'm so glad you came in fancy dress.

We were beginning to feel really stupid. We thought we'd be the only ones.

But I'm not in fancy dress.

Keith came in fancy dress! I must have told some people.

Man, nice costume. You look ridiculous.

Danny, can I talk to you for a second?

Hey, Scarlet! You're looking hot. Did I ever tell you about the children I saved in Malawi?

Are you all right? I wanted this to be a great party and look at it!

Come on. It could be worse.

How?!

I'm off. Bye now. Dude!

OK, so it's not ideal.

Not ideal? It's not anything. It's an embarrassment!

And the mothers would sit in a circle and sing to their children...

Mate - that girl, is she looking at me?

Yeah, I think she is. Talk to her. Yeah, you're right. I should talk to her.

I'm the host of the party. Yeah. The party king. Take the mask off.

Good call. Yeah. And Shane... What?

Just, you know, be... be cool. Mate, look who you're talking to.

Ah, sorry!.. Whoo!

Hey! SHE GIGGLES

Drink? Yeah. I'll get you it.

Hi.

Thanks. I'm Shane.

I'm Alison. Hi.

I couldn't help noticing you were winking at me over there.

Oh, no, I wasn't. No? I could have sworn I saw you winking.

Oh. Look.

I've got a lazy eye. Oh! Well, you can hardly notice it.

So, anyway, this is your party? Yeah, I'm the host.

Along with Gladiator there and Monkey Boy here.

We're in fancy dress, in case you thought this is how we dress. Yeah. I save this for special occasions.

Christenings, funerals... Yeah?

I do like this costume, though. I think it accentuates... my best attributes.

Oh.

Which attributes?

My... testicles.

Do you want a drink? You've got one. I'll get one. Yeah.

Cheers.

There's not many people here, is there, yet? There's a few.

Yeah. It's a bit lame, though, isn't it?

There's about eight people here.

I was trying to keep it intimate. I could get loads more.