Sister Boniface Mysteries

"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess

with hair as golden as the sun".

"Her father told her if she was virtuous and pure,

then one day she would marry a handsome prince".

Right. (sighs) Before we get to business,

felicitations are in order to our chairman,

Aubrey Frobisher and his new bride, Bunny,

on their recent, well, dare I say,

- whirlwind nuptials. - (laughs)

I managed to persuade her to join our humble troupe.

- She was an actress, you know. - Hm.

Yeah, well, I gave up treading the boards

when I met Aubrey. We just couldn't stand to be apart.

- Theatre's loss was our gain. - Oh, sweet man.

I would be happy to add a touch of professional stardust

- into your little pantomime. - (chuckles, groans)

Er, well, erm...

Four weeks to our opening night on the 23rd of December,

so we have got our work cut out.

First and foremost, the appointment of a director.

Ah, now, although this is a break

from tradition, I would like

to propose the appointment of a guest director.

Now, you may know that... that Jonas Blake

has recently taken up residence in Great Slaughter.

He... he was writing nearby and came to see Aubrey

- for some investment advice. - Hmm.

- Who is Jonas Blake? - (sighs)

Only the hottest playwright in town.

He penned Sir Laurence Olivier's new hit play

at the National Theatre.

Yeah, a splendid chap, despite being an Australian.

He's keen to get involved in the community.

Er, when he heard about the pantomime,

he offered to sharpen our script

and offered his services as director.

Well, I rather think

I've proved my director's mettle in my...

In the critic's words, "triumphant rendering",

of Three Men in a Boat.

- Robbie. - (hesitates) A directorial feat.

Well, undoubtedly, er, a triumph, Samira,

- but this is enormous. - Hmm, hmm.

Audiences and critics will flock to see Jonas Blake's first foray

- as a director. - (Aubrey) Yeah,

in... in which case, as one of our most esteemed actresses,

shouldn't you be in the spotlight, not behind it?

He hinted that Laurence Olivier

is going to attend...

- (exhales) - ...our first night.

That would show Deidre Glenister?

Do GSADS statutes allow a non-member to direct?

Indeed. Er, what do the statutes say, Dottie?

Erm, "Clause 18, Subsection five".

"The exclusions allow participation of non-members

if the appointment is ratified by a vote".

- All those in favour? - (pensive music playing)

The eyes of the world will soon be upon us.

This must be GSADS' biggest and best performance yet.

- (Aubrey chuckles) - (all applauding)

This year's panto cast needs swelling.

And, oh... And my little birdie tells me

that you have a fine singing voice, WPC Button.

I mean, perhaps you could be our Cinderella?

Go on then, sir.

I suppose every girl dreams of playing Cinderella. (chuckles)

Livingstone! Gillespie!

- Acting's not really my bag, sir. - What...

You know the GSADS are not for me, sir.

- (Lowsley) What... - Sir, I will say,

I am quite intrigued by this pantomime.

So, the principal boy is played

- by a girl. - Hmm.

And then the dame is a man,

and the audience spend the entire performance

- heckling the actors. - Aw! (exhales, groans)

- My error... - Hmm.

...in giving the impression that... that was a request.

I want you both washed and brushed and ready

to audition at 03:00 p.m. sharp,

- and that is an order. - (sighs)

- (sighs) - (turkey gobbling)

He still looks a few pounds short

of a Christmas feast.

Dare we say, a little

- on the scrawny side. - (gobbling)

- She won't like that. - Yeah.

Watch who you're calling scrawny. He's well-muscled.

- Aren't you Terry? - (gobbling)

Oh. (exhales)

The Sunday school medley are auditioning

for the pantomime this afternoon, so I need volunteers to chaperone.

- Sunday school medley. - (uplifting music playing)

Sister Reginald, you are excused.

Your time would be better used fattening that bird

or there'll be no second helpings for anyone.

- Cushty. - (turkey gobbling)

Which leaves you two. Hmm.

Yes, Reverend Mother.

I wish I could be in the pantomime.

I see no reason why not.

You were raised in the Australian outback,

son of a sheep farmer.

And Jonas Blake is a "nom de plume"?

A stage name.

I started out as an actor, and, er, "Dwayne Baker"

from Kookuburra Gull" didn't quite have the ring.

- Why did you give up acting? - (chuckles) I was terrible at it.

Fortunately, I discovered I was better

at writing lines than chewing them.

Tell us how "The angry man of Melbourne",

has come to be directing a provincial pantomime.

I'm writing a companion piece

to my Tony Award-winning "Rift". Entitled "Nadir".

And I hope to direct it. (inhales)

It's a chance to flex my directorial muscles.

I promise you a pantomime like no other.

Thank you for your time, Mr Blake.

You have an interesting face.

Innocent yet full of angst. Are you trying your luck today?

Copy to fill, deadlines to meet.

- Hello, Peggy. - Hello, Norman.

It is a lot of time. (exhales)

Locked up in close proximity in a small group

for weeks on end. It can get emotionally... intense.

Sister Boniface, Sister Peter,

make sure the children behave themselves!

Right! Right! Children!

Settle down! Children! Please!

Charlotte, do not eat that. Put it down.

- No, not there! - No hair pulling, Clive!

- Or throttling! (gasps) Kevin! - (Sam) Stop!

- Police! - (birds chirping)

Any more of this,

and I could have you arrested for breach of the peace.

Hands on heads. Form a line.

- (bell tolling) - All yours, Sister.

God bless you. This way, children.

Miraculous timing. They are quite a handful.

You here on police business?

If auditioning for CC Lowsley counts.

But we're only signing on for walk-ons. (exhales)

On the brighter side, we could expand our social circles.

I don't want to.

Nonsense. We've come too far to give up now.

This is Wilf Wilson, who would like to sign up.

I hardly think that's appropriate.

He's an altar boy at St Vincent's.

And if high mass isn't drama, I don't know what is.

I can concur with that.

Well, I wonder what the staff at Grimley Chase would feel

about one of their patients gallivanting off at all times.

I've spoken to the warden who agrees that Wilf

can be trusted to get himself to and from rehearsals.

Reverend Mother lent me a bicycle.

- Hmm. - (scoffs) That's maybe...

but I don't think the audience would like to see someone

"like him" on stage.

Actually, we do have a vacancy for assistant props master.

- How does that sound? - It sounds important.

Oh, yes, it is. Very.

- Well, shall I put you down? - Please.

Excellent.

Come on, let's go.

"The princess grew up virtuous and pure,

and one day she met a handsome prince".

"He said he loved her and gave her a golden egg,

but the handsome prince turned into a frog".

- My love. - (groans)

Have you, erm, thought about Jonas' proposal...

- (clears throat) - ...for his new play?

I prefer to risk my money on something less fickle

than theatre audiences. (groans)

- Aubrey Bear. (chuckles) - (groans)

As his investors, think of all the people we'll meet

and all the parties.

You could show me off to the world.

Well, I think I'd rather keep you for myself.

- (chuckles) - (growls)

Miranda!

Must you always creep up on us like that?

- You're late. - (Miranda) Jim's lame.

I had to put a poultice on.

You spend too much time at the stables

when you should be out meeting people.

Yeah, a few new clothes

and some decent make-up wouldn't go amiss either.

So, I can snag myself a rich husband.

That's enough, Miranda.

I've said that you'll help backstage at the pantomime.

- No, thanks. - (Aubrey) Er...

Well, as long as you're under my roof,

you do as you're told, young lady. Is that understood?

- (groans, smooches) - (groans) Ooh, honey bunny.

- Come here... (growls, wobbles) - (smooches, chuckles)

Peggy Button made a charming Cinderella.

Can you believe

that Bunny Frobisher had the audacity to audition?

I mean, Cinderella is an innocent young maiden