Don't Come Here

Oh...

So stupid.

Oi...

Where are we?

And why did we stop?

I had to make sure everything was locked up,

but we're about an hour from the nearest town.

Or... six?

It depends on which way I turn this map.

And I suppose that's my fault, right?

As usual, it is up to me

to find a bar before Last Call.

When we're flush again...

Hola.

Siento asustaros.

Eh, porta'm al mi pueblo.

Sorry, we can't understand.

Okay. English.

Uh, sorry to frighten you.

Uh, hoping for a lift to town.

I've been working all day.

You have to understand that we...

Yeah, yeah, I know, two girls alone

in the middle of nowhere, yeah, I understand completely,

but I really do need a ride, please.

Oh, thanks.

Whoa!

Um... oh

uh, that's unfortunate.

Uh, i-it's just for carving wood.

No, no. I'm an artist.

You're not catching me at my best way.

Uh, please, it's going...

Honey, it ain't gonna happen.

I'm sure someone will come along soon.

No, yours is the only vehicle I've seen all day.

Sorry.

No. Wait, please.

Wait. No. No, wait, please.

No, wait!

¡Coger!

Well, that got awkward quick.

Close call.

Someone should tell him

not to talk to strangers.

So, I was 17,

and he's standing there

with his pants around his ankles,

and then he spots the look of disappointment on my face.

Disappointment?

Well, his package only needed about two cents postage.

So his smile disappears, and so does Mr. Winky.

Scarred me for life!

God, Vivian, please tell me you dressed and left.

Are you kidding me? Of course I did.

There is no way in hell

I would've stuck around for that.

Not worth my time.

"Disappointment."

What?

Who the fuck is this asshole?

Fuck.

Christ.

You okay?

Nothing a shot of tequila won't fix.

Jesus!

Oh, well, this is tasty.

Here you have

your common variety Homo argentum esurient,

otherwise known as monied douche bags.

Try to be more accepting.

Oh, no. I'm worried for them.

They've strayed from their natural habitat.

I mean, what if the bar runs out of Grey Goose,

or the girl loses her Hermès bag,

or what's-his-name gets a stain on his Burberry shirt?

I'm so glad you're not obsessing.

I mean, God forbid

the hotel loses its thread count on the cotton bedsheets.

Oh, the humanity!

All right. That's enough.

One of them's eyeing you.

Probably an idiot.

You sound a little jealous.

Oh, well, you know he ain't my type.

He's on the move.

So close!

He's just a little shy.

Wait

do you like him?

He has a certain... quality.

Well, Jill, we are on vacation.

Should I?

Talk to him, I mean?

Hi.

Hi.

So, we hit this really bad turbulence, right?

The wings were crashing about,

the engine starts coughing up.

The pilot did this emergency landing

at this small airport just outside of town.

And now you're trapped in the middle of nowhere.

It'll be fixed soon, I hope.

And... there are pluses to being stuck out here.

Where were you headed?

Ibiza.

My dad's got a yacht moored there, so

we're on a break,

um, looking for fun.

Oxford?

No. Cambridge.

Yes!

We all attend.

Okay, let's see.

Um...

Michael... - Mm-hmm?

and Anna, they've been dating a while.

They're on the serious side.

He's in...

Business.

And she's got a degree in shopping.

Clive is

in Engineering.

No. Uh...

Mathematics.

Then there's Ned

who's just...

Odd. I can't quite place him.

That's amazing. How did you know that?

Psych modules.

- Ahh... - I'm studying Medicine.

Viv's studying Law.

And you were going to Ibiza to party?

More of a send-off.

Michael is leaving uni for a position at a firm.

What uni do you go to?

Writtle University.

Chelmsford.

Essex?

The United Kingdom?

The United Kingdom.

Yep. Chelmsford. Got it.

Uh, nice place, great people.

Some are quite... cute.

I bet you've been there loads.

So

what brings you here?

Viv and I go on working holidays.

It helps pay our fees.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

And what do you do?

Odd jobs.

Whatever we can find.

That's horseshit.

Come up with a better argument.

My argument is sound.

Perhaps you don't understand.

Your American educational system

lacks depth.

Clive, don't be patronizing.

Let's see if this poor American understands.

So you think the universal values

of right or wrong exist through...?

Through religious teachings.

Can we talk about something else?

Stay out of it, Michael.

You're talking religious dogma.

The question is, which religion?

Christianity, of course.

Western laws and culture are formed

through Judeo-Christian values and the Bible.

The Bible is based on the Torah,

which is rooted in Canaanite and Babylonian teachings.

The Bible is as derivative as your argument.

Well... thanks for walking us.

So

what are you doing tomorrow?

Headed north to do some seasonal jobs

which start next week.

But we have some time...

Anything to do around here?

Oh, no.

I mean, it's pretty dull around here, right?

Actually, there's, um...

I saw on the way up here, a, uh, incredible...

I love to hike.

Yes. Yes. Hiking.

Incredible trails.

We can make a day of it.

All of us?

Well, I can't leave Vivian staring at the walls, can I?

Early start?

7:00 a.m. okay?

Not inviting him in?

We're going on a hike tomorrow.

What?

God, you really have got her scent, haven't you?

Don't be an dick, Clive.

You can spend the day in town, if you want.

Fuck you, José.