Doom Patrol

You're already here.

Wonderful.

I'm sure you all recognize the importance

of what we're up against.

I have been up all night

rehearsing various ways we can rectify

our ill-fated futures.

Rita, we've been talking.

Delicious, huh?

Obviously, what we all saw in the future, we can't let happen.

- We need to prevent... - The impending Asspocalypse.

- Exactly. - You're right, Victor.

We need to do everything we can.

And I have thought of everything.

Believe me.

As Victor was saying, we saw the future.

And it was horrible.

In order to prevent that future from happening

the best strategy is to do the opposite

of whatever we might have done to end up in...

Crisis of Infinite Ass.

- Nice. - Indeed.

I'm sure you've all noticed

that I have started wearing flats instead of heels.

Just one simple way to act differently.

And thanks to my stretching abilities

I am still just as tall as usual.

See?

Right.

Jane, I have a few suggestions

on how we can add a bit more color to your wardrobe.

Cliff, perhaps you could try swearing a bit less.

You're averaging a staggering amount of fucks per hour.

Thirty-seven.

I think we all agree

that our best option is to change our approach.

But we need to think big.

It isn't just our lives in jeopardy.

The entire planet is at stake if we don't make real change.

Oh, we might not know how we died

but I'm pretty sure it wasn't because

Cliff said fuck too many times.

We might not know how we died

but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with

the fucking Zombie Butts that took over the planet!

Maybe we start with that.

I couldn't agree more.

In fact, it is the core of my plan, hm?

Remember, we have the upper hand here.

We fought the Butts when we were zombies.

Therefore, it stands to reason that we created these...

Zombie Butts.

And anything we create

we can just as easily destroy.

Starting, the scene of the crime.

Darren Jones.

The old barn. Does any of this ring a bell?

All right, fine, I'll bite.

What do you all suggest we do to save the world?

What will you say to a change in leadership?

A new... new leadership, huh?

Interesting.

Well, I'm... I'm...

I'm sure we could... take a vote on it.

Yes. Although, something tells me

some people might not be as interested in a team leader

that doesn't provide egg salad sandwiches

as you seem to believe.

But, yes, all right, let's put it to a vote.

All those in favor of me

remaining team leader, please raise your hand.

Everyone in favor of new leadership?

No, Victor, we have been over this several times.

You... you can't be leader, because you don't have your tech.

And, and Cliff and Larry can't lead because they're unqualified.

And Jane doesn't even wanna be leader.

Therefore, I am the clear choice.

I am the only choice.

If not me, then who?

Who, Victor?

Who?

Me?

Really, me?

Really?

Where's the thing? Where's the... Cliff?

Oh, nice.

Nice batch. Would anybody like... a scone?

They're not hungry.

You're not the only candidate.

The idea is that you'll take over on a trial basis.

If you're not interested, I'm more than happy...

We've been through this.

We don't need a former superhero.

We need a former supervillain.

Somebody willing to win at all costs.

Compare my win-loss ratio with hers.

I haven't quit a day in my life.

Weren't you gonna stay behind and become besties

with your future self until Rouge broke you two up?

Rouge impersonated my dad

jeopardizing the trust I was building with a valuable asset.

Look, I get it. She was ruthless.

Villainous even.

Is that what we need right now?

Future Vic may have been just as culpable as the rest of us.

The only person we know

who wasn't to blame for the future is Rouge.

Far as I can tell, she wasn't even around.

Having her as team leader

gives us the best chance to change everything.

That's what Rita's been saying all along.

I didn't say we should, all of a sudden

start making bad decisions.

Oh, yeah, your opposite-day playbook was a work of pure genius.

- Fuck you, Cliff. - Fuck me? Fuck you.

Say it again. I wouldn't want you to upset your hourly average.

- Fuck... - 23, 24, 25...

- Fuck... - 26, 27, 28...

- Fuckity fuck! Fuck... - 29, 30, 31, 32.

- Oh, shut it! - Fuck...

Fuck!

Rita is right. This is a... bold choice.

And generous of all of you to nominate me

given that... I've never even won a golden star.

Don't play the faux humility card. It's not going to work.

You wanna talk about gold stars?

I've been up all night working to save the world

as I've been trying to say all morning

I've discovered the source of the Zombie Butt... problem.

It has to be Darren Jones.

He escaped that night after Jane bit him.

- I didn't bite Darren. - You bit him. I bit him. Who cares?

It must have turned him into a zombie.

Lucky for us

I see no signs that the infection has spread, yet.

Excellent work, Rita.

And if what you have uncovered is true

then that little undead were-butted snake

is probably still hiding near that old barn.

- As I was saying... - Now, if we hurry

we can exterminate Darren so he doesn't infect anyone else

rewriting the future in the process. Couldn't be easier.

I know and it's my plan.

So I should be the one to execute the plan.

Who cares who gets the credit? Let's just kill that motherfucker

- and be done with this. - Who cares about credit?

I have done everything to save you all

and you're handing over the reins

to someone who's already failed at being a hero and a villain.

Look, I get it.

Trust me, I do.

But for this mission

we're riding with Rouge.

For better or worse.

Well, you'll be one member short.

Rita, please.

No, I won't participate in a mission where I'm not wanted.

You'll all just have to carry on without me.

I wish you all good luck. You're going to need it.

Well...

That was hard to watch.

And painful for all of you.

But let's not forget

that you have all just witnessed an incredibly traumatic sight.

A future overrun with foul beasts

all of you dead, except for Vic.

But in fairness, your life is pretty shit.

Can we move on to the killing Darren Jones part of the plan?

Sure. All in due time, Cliff, yes.

But let me look over Rita's materials

let you gather yourselves.

We... we must be focused and ready to do this right.

What... what are you saying?

You want us to take a quick power nap

and then prevent the end of the world?

Yeah, I'm with LT.

This isn't just some testicle monster.

For all we know, we could die at any second.

Quick and dirty can no longer be the modus operandi.

No, this mission requires perfection, nothing less.

All right.

One hour.

I'll do some recon of my own

to make sure we've covered all our bases.

- Good? - Wonderful.

Incredibly helpful. One hour.

Dismissed.

Cliff, a word.

You and I both know that Darren Jones

needs to be exterminated.

Yeah. In one hour, right?

I'm gonna go watch Rockford Files.

No... not in an hour.

Immediately. Time is of the fucking essence.

But, you just said...

Wait a minute. Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Are you asking me to go on a top-secret mission?

I don't need the others. I only need you.

You are literally an indestructible zombie-killing machine.

What do you say, Cliffy?