Dummy

Now Bartholomew,

it's time for a bit of sophisticated humor.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

Bartholomew, that joke's older than the moon.

Well, it's a classic, Marty.

Always lead with a classic.

I've heard better jokes in the obituaries.

Hmm.

Passion, Delphi?

I feel gas.

If someone brings their beans

because that's what's electrifying the air.

County fairs can be so depressing,

especially when the entertainment is someone

who's washed up.

Speaking of that, do you remember

that one Ventriloquist guy?

His dummy was named Chucklehead.

Oh, Archibald.

Yeah, he played a county fair over here.

Really? Wow, that's sad.

Wasn't he all over late night TV at one point?

Yeah, he was everywhere.

And then I forget what show he was on,

but he bombed horribly.

That's right. And then it just kept happening.

He just couldn't recover from that.

Yeah, he went from being everywhere

to pretty much nothing.

Hmm, poor Archibald.

Yeah, poor Chucklehead. He was awesome.

You would feel sorry for the puppet..

Boo! You suck.

Hey, which one's the ventriloquist

and which one's the dummy?

So Chucklehead.

This is so aging.

How do cats stop a VCR?

I don't know, Archibald.

How does a cat stop a VCR?

It hits the pause button.

I bet that thing is more of a brain left

than this old man.

Yes, I got it.

And I hope it ain't contagious.

Looks like we're knocking them dead tonight.

Dead, nothing could resurrect your career.

Tell me again why I put up with you.

I'm part of your work release, remember?

You know Chucklehead, this is our final performance.

What are you gonna do in retirement?

Get as far away from you as possible.

Are those jokes from the Stone Age?

That's not nice.

Why?

How would you like my hand up your ass for 20 years?

It's been longer than 20 years, Chucklehead.

Don't remind me.

They say time flies when you're having fun.

No wonder our time together feels like an eternity.

What are you gonna do in retirement?

Honestly, I don't know, Chucklehead.

I don't know.

The ventriloquist is barely passable.

It's all been done before and better.

This is just sad.

Hey, dummy.

Say something.

Yes, well.

Ladies and gentlemen, as they say in show biz,

that's all folks.

It means it's time to go.

Thanks Archibald.

Thanks Chucklehead.

Better luck next time.

There isn't going to be a next time.

Goodnight.

Oh, hello Archibald. How'd your final performance go?

- As predicted. - Oh, don't look so glum.

Now you can move on to new and exciting things.

Showbiz is all I know.

Did you know my family started in Vaudeville?

No, really?

Yes, way back in 1908.

Our family even toured with Barn and Bailey.

That's how I got Chucklehead here.

Oh, well maybe it's time that you

and that thing take a break.

Chucklehead?

Him and I will be together forever.

Why don't you pass him on to one

of your other relatives in show business?

Because I'm the only one left.

The last of my kind. It's just him and me now.

You seem very depressed.

I'm sorry. Look, everything will be fine.

Be thankful that you can retire. I'll never be able to.

I'm going to my room now.

Are you sure you don't want something to eat?

The dining room will be open for another 30 minutes.

No, but I'll see you at breakfast.

Will you be checking out in the morning?

No, I'm going to stay a few days more.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Cheers, my friend.

Not thirsty tonight, okay.

Oh, how I long for the joy of another world.

We should be there shortly.

Good.

We can check in and get cleaned up before the reunion.

How many high school reunions have we been to together?

I don't know. About four maybe, I lose track.

I wonder if Maggie will be there.

Drop it.

You dated her in high school and you took her to the prom.

Big deal.

She'll never forget that night.

Best five seconds of her life, I'm sure.

Every reunion we go to, she's after me.

She's just being nice. That's all.

Her husband is never too happy to see you.

He's a chump.

She realized what a mistakes she probably made.

Right, he's a rich Wall Street banker

with a house on Long Island.

Big deal. He's got money, so what?

Yeah, look, so what?

Let's just enjoy the time we have away from our crazy life.

These times aren't gonna last forever.

Amen.

Maggie still wants me. I don't care what you guys say.

There's a place right there up ahead.

We have arrived.

I guess we'll park here for now.

Let's check in and get something to eat.

We wouldn't want Maggie thinking you're malnourished.

Well, hello there.

Hi guys. What can I do for you?

We have a reservation, a room for Alan Duncan.

Okay, let me see.

Oh, there you are. Room 203.

Maybe the rest of our classmates are here too.

Classmates?

Oh, we are here for a class reunion.

It's here at the high school.

Hmm.

Well, no one else has checked in and mentioned it,

but then I live outside of town,

so I don't know what goes on here.

How many hotels do you have in this town?

Just two.

Well, they must be at the other hotel then.

Hmm.

How big was your graduating class?

Oh, around 128 kids.

Hmm.

Well maybe it's only the three of you then.

Here's the key.

I see you have a dining room.

What time do you serve meals?

Breakfast is at 8:30, lunch at noon

and dinner is at five sharp.

We'll see you at lunch then.

Your room is upstairs and to the left.

- Okay, thanks. - Thanks.

Thank you.

It'd be odd if we were the only ones here.

Hey, you know this isn't half bad.

Really turn of the century charm.

I'm starved.

Hey, does that guy look familiar?

I wonder what the dummy ordered.

What can I get you guys?

I'll have a coke and a cheeseburger.

I'll have a roast beef sandwich and a glass of water.

I'll try the chicken and biscuits and a coke as well.

You got it. I'll put that order right in.

Hey, I know who that guy is. He's Archibald the Great.

He's a ventriloquist. I saw him on That's Incredible once.

He doesn't look so great to me.

Can't be too famous if he's hanging around this town.

Excuse me, sir,

are you Archibald the Great?

Why, yes. Yes I am.

How did you know?

I saw you on TV when I was a kid.

Would you mind having a seat with us?

Chucklehead and I have traveled all over the world.

We gave our final performance last night.

Are you retiring from the business?

Yes, I'm afraid people today aren't

into my antiquated style.

It's time to move on.

I can't believe you don't have your own reality TV show.

Have you always performed with Chucklehead?

Yes, since the very beginning.

That's cool.

Would you mind if I asked you for an autograph?