Love vs. The Red Pill

So I'm going to keep this meeting short and bittersweet.

You know I'm a firm believer in tough love,

so I got to give it to you straight.

Our numbers are down from last month,

because our top producers are not giving us top production.

And of course, our mediocre producers continue

to give us mediocre production.

Stan?

Umm, A?

Hey man.

I know it's hard seeing your woman with another guy,

knowing that he's just tapping that ass every night.

I mean, she's not my woman, damn it.

I drink too much at the company's social.

Yeah, right.

Just kills you, you can't have this anymore.

I'm not having this conversation again, please.

Dismissed.

Stan, stay behind for a quick pow-wow.

Let me know when you're ready to step up your game.

- Come on, man. - Let me start.

Shut the fuck up.

Now, think of me as the Steve Spurrier of managers.

I rip your ass in public.

I give you praise in private.

Now Stan, you are my most talented salesman, hands down.

You have to stop pining over a woman, man.

It's distracting you from meeting your full potential.

I am not pining, man.

I mean, she's still hitting on me.

I mean, I don't know what else to say.

Let me ask you this.

How many plates are you spinning?

Plates?

Yeah, plates.

How many women are you currently dating?

Well, I don't see all this is relevant, but none,

at the moment.

That's what I thought.

Stan, when your knob isn't getting slobbed

on a consistent basis, your production drops.

And as your manager, I have to address this.

So now I have to introduce you to formalized game,

so you can start spinning plates.

What about you, huh?

Do you have a girlfriend?

Come on.

A guy like me is obviously spinning plates.

Stan, have you ever touched a shooting comet?

No.

And I don't think you have either.

I am the comet.

And you have come nowhere near my fiery tail.

I will teach you, my son.

Now get back to work.

All right, I'm sorry, Kelly.

I cannot accept your bro talk right now.

It's different for women.

With women there are a whole lot of

Okay, that is sexist.

I deserve props for my accomplishments

just as any guy would.

Mmm.

All right, now, before we even get into this,

does this game of yours happen to involve swiping right?

No.

We met the old-fashioned way.

As you know, I'm a fan of the old school.

Like those Chuck Norris posters?

In his prime, baby.

So we met at the bar.

I saw him looking fine, talking to his friends,

and I approached him.

Look, it's way easier for a woman to get laid than a man,

all right?

Always has been.

And why is that, Paul?

I'm glad you asked, Misty.

Men are biologically wired to have sex when it's available

as opposed to women

who are biologically wired to be selective.

I'm sure Jessica would love hearing this.

Yeah, she does get a bit huffy and puffy

with these sorts of facts.

And can you elaborate

on this biological difference, my dear?

Well, I'd be happy to, honey.

See the difference between male potency

and female fertility create different biological instincts.

Now, I'm not sure on the exact number,

but I believe the average male can produce enough sperm

in his lifetime to foster around 12,000 kids.

Which is why, unrelated subject, why some countries

have laws that limit the amount

of sperm donations they can get from one guy.

And female fertility?

Yes.

And again, I don't recall the exact number,

but I believe the average female can mother

around 14 kids in her lifetime.

So instinctually you have to be selective.

And this basically goes across the board

for the entire animal kingdom.

Males are wired to mate with as many females

as they can and females are wired

to find the best possible mate.

Okay, fine.

But you don't think women can be smooth?

I mean, I've seen Kelly talk to dudes

and she's pretty damn smooth.

Thank you.

Y'all just toasted like two minutes ago,

you realize that, right?

There's no rule against it, is there?

I mean, actually she was really smooth.

She saw me wearing a Braves jersey, she came up,

just started talking Braves baseball with me.

I mean, how awesome is that?

Wow.

He speaks.

Isn't that incredible?

All right, let ask you this then, bud.

Say she wasn't being all smooth and knowledgeable

about Braves baseball.

Would you have turned her down?

Ah.

See?

Come on.

That's what I'm talking about.

Look, even if you were much less attractive,

let's say you were a four.

I don't even want to know my rating.

No, I'm not.

I'm not.

All I'm saying is if you were much less attractive,

let's say a four, you'd still probably be able

to pick up a nine or a 10 at a bar

just by being available, all right?

I don't believe that.

And don't even need to say anything special.

Just like, "Hey, I'm horny. You want to come home with me?"

And then boom, you're getting that d in no time.

Now us men, on the other hand, we have to be smooth.

- Am I right or am I right? - Oh, shut up.

All right, so speaking of your smoothness,

I think I was drunk the first time

you guys originally told me, but how exactly

did you two meet?

I mean, don't get me wrong.

You guys make a great couple.

It's just you're so different.

I mean, you're a vegetarian and he's

I know, I know.

Well, we never would've met online, that's for sure.

Oh hell no.

She was at one of those meat-is-murder rallies

protesting in front of a burger joint.

Now normally I leave these wackos alone.

Hey!

But she was in front of a mom-and-pop shop this time.

So I just had to say something.

Now, not only was she the most beautiful woman there,

she was also wearing one of those stupid real men

don't eat meat t-shirts.

And what is so stupid about those t-shirts.

That's the psychology behind it, babe.

I mean the expectation that the man is going to look

at you, read the T-shirt, and think to himself,

"Well, I'm a real man,

so I guess I shouldn't eat meat anymore."

I mean, come on.

So I impressed her with my intellect arguing

about the morality of hunting animals for food.

No, I was impressed by the comical premise

of the argument.

He thinks, you know what my dear?

Why don't you explain your rationale?

Okay, so animals do not die of old age in the wild, right?

They only have three options.

Our little debate tonight would've

been a lot more lively if John and Jessica were here.

Yeah, when they're in the same room

they never fail to entertain.

You'd think they used to date.

What were they even doing tonight?

It's not like either one of them

are dating anyone right now.

Well, John thinks he's some kind of player now,

so he's in his words, "sarging."

And Jessica, well, she's fallen into the Netflix trap.

Wait, what?

Just binge washing during all her free time?

Yeah.

Well, we got to help them out.

Don't get me wrong. They can do whatever they want to do.

It's just

They're both happier when they're in relationships

and neither one of them wants to admit it.

Especially Jessica.

I mean you so much as even approach the subject she goes