Michelle Wolf: It's Great to Be Here - First Season

Hi, guys, how are you?

- -

It's fine, I don't really care.

I always like being here in Philadelphia.

I love being here in Denver. You guys, you know you have a good town.

Always happy to be here in Salt Lake.

I love coming to Madison. I always love being back here.

This is gonna be fun. We're gonna have a good time.

I've been able to have a very interesting perspective

on what's happening in America recently

because I haven't been living here.

Um, I've actually been living in Barcelona,

which is a very lovely place.

Um, it's a beach city.

But it's also a bit of a gay city.

I think that's why they have the lisp. Uh...

"Barthelona."

It's like, "We get it. You have something in your mouth."

Because it's a beach city, and it's a European beach city,

a lot of the beaches there are clothing-optional.

Which means you end up seeing a lot of penises.

Um, and it's never the best penises, you know?

First of all, women never want to see a penis that they don't want to see.

Even the one we do want to see, a lot of times we're like,

"Can you put that away or, like, in something?"

"Okay. In me? All right. Fine. 'Cause..."

"As long as the cap's back on the pen, you know?"

Having a penis out at the beach, it's definitely not a young man's game.

This is an old man's game.

'Cause the unwritten rule is that you can have your penis out,

but, like, it has to stay floppy.

You know, and I imagine that's just harder for younger guys

'cause there's, like, boobs and, like, you know, a breeze.

But these older guys are quite impressive.

They're there with their hands on their hips,

"My penis will stay as soft as the sand I'm standing on."

A lot of them are bigger guys too.

They're a bit older, out-of-shape guys. They've got a bit of a belly.

I don't think they've seen their penis in a while.

I think that's kind of why they do it,

you know, so they can see it reflected in your eyes.

Like, "I still got it. Okay, good."

Of course, there's women there, too, so there's a lot of boobs out.

Anytime I go to the beach, I don't take off my swimsuit

because I'm not trying to get that sunburned. And, uh...

But I'll go with my friend, and she takes off her top and...

She recently... She got breast implants, so... and I hadn't seen them yet,

and they were, like, really... they look really good.

So I was like, "Oh my gosh, your fake boobs look amazing."

And then she got mad at me 'cause I called them fake boobs.

And I was like, "Well, they're not real."

If your friend got breast implants, would you call them real?

No.

Would you?

Okay, good. So we're all a little transphobic.

That's a fun social experiment.

You know, if they're fake on a woman... they're fake on a woman.

Anyway, what I...

I know, you all feel like I got you, didn't you?

Well, I did. That's why.

What I'm talking about right now, though, is...

I'm describing the regular beach.

So in Barcelona, there's a regular beach, and there's a gay beach.

If you're one of those people like,

"Why can't the gay beach be the regular beach?"

Go to the gay beach.

You'll be like, "That's not regular."

And, of course, there's also penises out at the gay beach,

but the differences between the penises at the regular beach

and the penises at the gay beach

are like the difference between a dog parkand a dog show.

Like, at the regular beach, they're like, "We're all just having a good time!"

At the gay beach, they're like, "Number five," and he's like, "Yes, yes."

Of course, you know when I say "gay beach" I mean male gay beach.

It's not a lesbian beach.

I wanna go to a lesbian beach. I wanna go to a beach where they're like,

"Volleyball's at 5:00. Sunscreen's over there."

"Here's some boots. The sand's uneven, we're working on it."

"We teach CPR on Mondays."

"We do have Taco Tuesdays. It does mean both things."

"You can eat, and then you can eat."

Okay, okay, so...

if the regular beach is a dog park,

and the gay beach is a dog show,

the lesbian beach is a dog rescue.

It's like, "You're safe here."

And also, they probably literally rescue dogs.

I have developed, over the last couple years,

a fascination with lesbians.

Are there any lesbians here?

How many gay men are here?

It's probably about the same number, but this is why I like lesbians.

Gay men, you're very loud.

Lesbians live in the shadows.

Gay men... We always know when gay men are around.

You guys aren't shy at all.

Even at the parade, you guys are like above the float, dancing all around.

Lesbians are just underneath, making sure stuff works.

They're like, "We're on the right route. It's okay, yeah."

Lesbians live in the shadows.

You know, lesbians are like bees.

If you don't bother them, they won't bother you.

But also, if they all die, the world ends.

And you do... Like, lesbians do...

You scare me a little bit. I'm intimidated by lesbians.

Uh, you're a bit scary.

Uh, I think lesbians are so scary that even AIDS was like,

"Let's stick to less terrifying things like needles and butt holes."

And lesbians definitely leave their mark on the world.

It's just sometimes a little more subtle.

Like, lesbians wore khakis so hard

that now when men wear khakis, they look like lesbians.

Like, any time I see Jim Harbaugh on the sideline,

I'm like, "Go get 'em, Coach Lesbian."

Like, any of you gay men who are here, were any of you, like, little gay boys?

Yeah.

You... You know the gay boys I'm talking about.

We've all seen the little gay boys.

Like, the kids at the park that are just like, "I don't want to play."

He's, like, over twerking by the slide.

His dad's trying to throw the ball with him and it's like, "Just stop it."

"It's not going to catch, okay?"

We know little gay boys exist, which means little lesbians also exist,

but you never see a little lesbian because lesbians live in the shadows.

I want to see a little lesbian, you know,

just a little girl, like, aggressively eating a muffin.

She doesn't know why she's doing it. She's like, "I got to practice."

"I got to really get in there."

And I think women, we really fucked up. We befriended gay men.

I don't think that was the right choice. I think we should've befriended lesbians.

Lesbians would be like, "Come on, we found a way to run a successful society."

Instead, we befriended gay men, and they're like, "Bitch, you're ugly."

And we're like, "He's my best friend."

"I like him 'cause he's mean to me in a different way."

And there's not, like... not that many prominent lesbians, you know?

Even now, sometimes you'll hear about lesbians...

Like, you'll find out they're a lesbian after they died.

Like, men will be like, "Oh, I thought she was just miserable and alone."

And it's like, "No, she lived with that lady."

"Yeah, I know, I thought they were miserable and alone together."

'Cause I think it's still hard for straight men to sometimes believe

that women can be happy without a man.

And I think even straight women, I think even we know that that's possible.

And now we have the luxury to decide if we want to get married or not.

That used to not be the case. You used to always have to get married.

I'm sure there were some women that, like, during World War II,

their husband went off to fight in the war, and then he died.

And they were like, "Oh no."

"No, I'm too heartbroken, I can never marry again."

"This bed is big."

And also, for the longest time, I think straight men,

they always wanted lesbians to be, like, two hot young women

who would maybe, like, invite them to join.

And lesbians were like, "No, that's not who we're gonna be."

There was always at least one lesbian in a couple

who looked like she knew how to, like, build a deck.

And that made sense to me. That couple made sense to me

because I knew who was doing the work.

Now there is the emergence of the young, hot lesbian couple,

and it doesn't make any sense to me,

because I have no idea who's doing any work.

Hot women don't have to work.

I can't figure it out.

It just seems like it's going to be two women lying in bed

waiting for something to happen to them.

Like, when there's a burglar, who's going down?

And also, who's going down?

I know the answer for gay men. It's both of you for both those things.