Crashing

And I just want you to know, as your manager,

I'm entitled to 20 percent of those things going forward.

Are you going up tonight?

Well, not here, obviously. But um...

I do the alt scene a little bit.

I know this is weird for a comedian to say,

but I'm not used to laughing.

He's funny, right?

He'll be funny in three years.

My dad just told me,

"If you want something, you got to ask for it."

- But... - Your dad sounds like an idiot.

I'm trying to get into the college market.

I just submitted a tape to, uh, NACA, I don't know if...

- They still have NACA? - They still have NACA.

NACA changed my life.

I booked, like, 80 colleges, paid off my student loan...

That's what NACA did for me.

We're right here.

Babe, you all right?

Yeah. You're making sprinkler sounds with your mouth.

Yeah, I'm...

I'll calm down when I see the venue.

If that makes sense?

Like you said it's 300 people,

That's way bigger than I've performed for.

So, when I see the stage, I think I'll calm down a little bit.

Remember? You're good. We've worked on these jokes.

The NACA showcase is, like, no big deal.

Just do your act, make them laugh,

and I'm sure you'll book a lot of colleges.

So relax, and enjoy our ride to Philadelphia.

- Thank you. - Okay.

- I will. - I mean, you can't trust her

'cause you guys are fucking.

All right.

Uh, hey, can you not look at your phone while we're driving?

No, I got it. I do this all the time.

Right, but you shouldn't, 'cause it's illegal and dangerous.

It's basically like drinking and driving.

I actually put it in my phone, too,

so I can navig... I'm happy to navigate.

You guys talking is actually distracting me more,

- so I'm just trying to focus on... - On killing us?

I can only do two things at once...

You're focusing on trying to murder us

- by being obstinate. - I'm just trying to keep it simple,

phone and road.

Just look forward. Just look... I got it.

You're supposed to go straight.

- We're supposed to go straight. - We got one more.

One more what?

You have... Someone else is coming?

Yeah, we're picking somebody up.

Hey!

Is that Melissa Villasenor?

You rep Melissa Villasenor from SNL?

Yeah, I rep a lot of people you don't know about.

My finger is in many pots.

- Ew. - Hi!

Melissa, you can, uh, you can have shotgun.

- Oh, thanks. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's nice. Thank you.

- Coming back. - Aah!

Sorry! Got it?

- Pete, be careful, wow. - I got it.

- It's a nice bag. - Thanks.

I just wanna say you're, uh, my favorite part of SNL right now, really.

- Aw. - I think you're sensational.

Your Owen Wilson, it's like...

And David, uh, Pumpkins. Mr. Pumpkins.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - David S. Pumpkins.

- Yeah, thanks. - That's one of my favorites.

Just relax. She just sat down.

She seems okay with it.

Okay.

I've never, uh, met a cast member before.

I... I really think you're the next Kristen Wig

but with better impressions.

- Aw. - I just think you're phenomenal.

What's it like working with Lorne?

He's a funny one.

Hey, what did you do for your audition?

Oh, I did a lot of, mainly, impressions.

Like Christina Aguilera was one of my first singing impressions.

It was just one really one letter, you know, just...

Really fills the car. Fills the car with joy.

- It's so good! - Thanks.

I've been working on Malkovich.

Mm!

Which is just... "I'm better. I'm stronger.

I'm faster." It's just overenunciating.

"I'm here in the car.

My vagina is here."

What would Christina Aguilera sound like singing a lullaby?

And she'd wake up the baby.

"What the hell is this shit?"

Oh, it's so good!

...all the world, I made it all the way to NACA.

This hotel, it's insane. It's so wild.

Gonna be gramming, snapping all week. Gonna be a good time!

I gotta get on Snapchat.

Yeah, apparently.

- Name? - Uh, Woods.

- Here for NACA? Great. - Yes.

Three people in a standard double for one night.

- Yeah. - Great.

Sir, are they with you?

No.

Well, uh, two... one... Uh, two of them are.

The other guy is... he's staying somewhere else.

Okay, because the maximum is three.

Uh, you're allowed only three in the same room.

Because we have a lot of people abusing our extra guest policy.

I wouldn't do that. I would never abuse a policy.

never abuse policies.

Okay.

And, uh... how many keys would you like?

Uh, let me do four.

Great.

And, uh, we're gonna need a cot.

Melissa, what is that stuff?

That's my sleep mask,

my noise-canceling headphones, and my white noise machine.

So, what do you play in the headphones?

Brown noise.

Hmm.

- I need some dinner. - Oh, man, me too.

- Can I come? - Sure.

Do you want anything?

Mm, I'm okay.

- Melissa? - I'm good, thanks.

The elevator's this way.

Hey, I'm glad you came.

We need to talk about your college act.

What do you mean? I don't really have a college act.

I just have my act.

Yeah, that's the problem, okay? These kids are super sensitive.

You never know what's gonna set 'em off.

You grew up in the '80s, when everybody thought bullying

was a hilarious and just normal part of life.

Okay, so, well, like, what?

- Don't talk about abortion. - Have you seen my act?

Yeah. No more gypping, okay?

You don't wanna talk about gypsies or really any type of group

from any area. You don't wanna talk about sex, okay?

- Okay, fine. - Don't talk about rape.

Don't talk about overdosing, no suicide, no fire...

- none of that. - So, what am I supposed to talk about?

Just talk about the absurdities of the world

or like, make an observation,

and then talk about what's weird about it.

I... That's vague.

Just do, like, uh, do, like, "there's always one guy" stuff.

- What is that? - There's always one guy at the office

who's always got a hat on.

Always got a hat on?

I don't have any kids,

but doesn't it kind of feel like I do?

I'm kind of like a fun dad,

the dad you see at a barbecue.

Fresca.

Fresca.

- Let's get up. Big day! - No, no.

Obviously, we don't want any of you to feel censored

in any way, but I strongly encourage,

if your creativity or banter within your performances

skews towards things like

assault, rape, suicide, race,

kindly steer that ship right on over to somewhere else.

Or fire. He said don't talk about fire.

If they would bleep it on The Big Bang Theory, don't do it. Okay?

When I was a kid, I always eating Bubble Tape.

You guys remember Bubble Tape?

Oh my... Yes, right?

It's so good. It's like the best gum.

You know, and what's awesome about Bubble Tape,

instead of it being, like, individually wrapped little pieces,

like, "Oh, ooh, I gotta put the gum in an envelope,"

like, what is this, like, a post office or something?

Bubble Tape, though, Bubble Tape was just

one, like, long-ass piece o'gum!

Long-ass piece o' gum!

I would just bite into that thing like a hockey puck.

Ohm! More for me!

I was like a Cookie Monster but with Bubble Tape.

I was like... Ohm, nom, nom, nom!

All right, y'all. Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Clay Dayton!

You guys know what's up.

All right, are you guys ready for your next act?

Please give it up for the lovely and talented

Ali Reissen!

Oh my God!

Thank you! Oh my God,

it's so good to be here.

So you guys are in college, that's pretty chill.

Yeah? You guys got roommates?

Yeah!