Ghosted

I'm not going anywhere without finding this ghost.

Chaz, you're out of your mind, and I love it.

My mind was lost a long time ago.

Oh, my God!

Be gone!

My K-2 meter is extremely active.

We are definitely experiencing some spectral activity.

- Uh, you think? - It's the ghost of old Nurse Stevens.

Nurse Stevens, can you hear us?

We come in the name of love and peace.

Oh! Oh!

That wheelchair's rolling by on its own.

That is a scientific impossibility.

This is not normal.

No. It feels... paranormal.

No. No. No. No.

These are the Ghost Studz.

As you can see, there's very little substance

- to their "findings." - Ghost Studz?

I mean, these clowns give real paranormal investigators

like me and Leroy a bad name.

More like Ghost Dudz.

Good one? All right, cool.

- No, thanks. - Cool.

Mmm. You can actually see the fan that they used

to blow out the lantern. Like, the fan is in the shot.

Fake-ass, clown-ass, Hollywood rubbish.

Yeah, but these Hollywood dudes

got it made in the shade.

My cop buddy Josh was a consultant

on Mysteries of Laura... perks for days.

Hung out with the actors, free food, and when it was all over,

everybody got a jacket. Everybody.

Yeah, but we're the real thing. We don't need perks.

Au contraire, Mon frère.

We do need the perks, and I will start with these chairs.

I'm tired of sitting all low like a baby child.

These idiots on their fake show seem to have stumbled

upon a real paranormal phenomena when they began filming

at Highguard Mental Hospital.

Wait, that's that place that was doing,

like, crazy experiments on people back in the '80s.

Exactly.

- Ugh. - Oy.

This could be a very, very dangerous place.

Uh... yeah.

I need Max and Leroy to go undercover

and make sure that no harm comes

to these stupid, stupid people.

You know what?

I think this is a call for the real ghost studs.

Me and Leroy.

- Oh. Okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're the new, we're the new ones.

Does that makes sense?

I've never been on the set of a TV show before.

Leroy, why are you pressed up against the steering wheel?

Oh, funny story, Max.

Remember that haunted treadmill we couldn't fit in the trunk?

- Yeah. - Well, when we moved the seats up,

mine got stuck like this.

Oh, that's great.

I swear, man, sometimes this job straight up sucks.

Even the LAPD was more glamorous.

We were knee-deep in perks. You know why?

'Cause we weren't a secret organization.

Okay, well... maybe it's not the most glamorous job in the world,

but we're helping people.

You know, a good deed is its own reward...

Free pizza is its own reward.

And I used to get it every time I wore my cop uniform

in a pizzeria, any pizzeria.

Name a pizzeria.

Domino's?

Except for Domino's.

Tonight on Ghost Studz,

we're gonna brave the spooks and ghouls

of this tweaked out abandoned mental hospital.

It's our second and final night in the hospital

that's been shut down since the 1980s.

Oh, man, I love the '80s.

Remember Baby Jessica?

Help, I'm in a well.

Ah!

- Oh, dude, she was hot. - Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, like, well, you know,

when she became Woman Jessica, she got hot.

Boom.

Sorry. Sorry, guys.

We're gonna be using a sweet EVP recorder

and a laser grid.

And some adult diapers, just in case Jared gets scared and destroys

- another pair of his Lee's. - One time.

Cut. Great, I think we got it.

Nice work, big guy.

Ponytail, you almost blew my shot.

That's strike one.

Okay, out of... three, I'm assuming?

Hey, Jared.

Ah, man, that was a kicking shot before.

It was an honor to boom it.

Hey, anyway, I was just wondering

if I could pick your brain about, like,

crazy stuff you've seen around here, like spooky stuff?

Wait a minute, I know you.

Mm... No, I-I don't think so.

You didn't have the stupid ponytail, but...

Professor Jennifer?

Oh. No, no, no, no.

Dude, you were totally my freaking science teacher

- in college. - Jared Soloman.

- Yeah. Yes. - Jared Soloman.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. Whoa.

Oh, dude, this is so sad.

Wow, you are, like, a total loser now.

Yeah, no, I mean, I heard you went, like,

psycho when your wife left you,

but you have hit rock bottom.

- This is your rock bottom, right? - Uh, this is... no.

I mean, you're a microphone holder?

I'm sorry, I-I did not recognize you.

Y-Y-You seem like, uh...

- Dope. Yeah, no. - Well...

I got rid of the glasses. I grew my hair out.

- I lost 200 pounds. - Okay.

Oh. - That's probably why you don't recognize me.

- Sure, yeah. - Yeah, but then I stopped

with all that stupid school stuff, and...

But you were such a gifted student.

Y-You had this, like, bright future ahead of you.

- I'm on TV now, so... - Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, totally

- I know. That's way better. - Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, what about your socks? You got to pay for your socks.

Dude, I'm telling you, everything I wear,

I get for free, down to my modal boxer briefs.

- Modal. - It's this new fabric.

It's three times softer than cotton.

- Damn, three times? - Yeah.

My drawers feel like construction paper.

- Chaz, check it out. - What's up?

This freaking dorkus was my college teacher.

Professor, but...

Yeah, but then he had a brain melt

- because his wife dumped him. - Well, she was abducted.

Oh, my God, that's hilarious,

because, like, now, you're his boss.

- Oh, man, America rules. - Whoa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Ultra tight. - It is tight.

Hey, listen, I was just talking to J-dog about, like,

any creepy stuff that maybe happened around here?

Oh, yeah, for sure, 100%.

- Um, we had some stage five clingers. - Clingers.

Yeah, they were actually right where you guys are standing.

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, they're talking about us. - Yeah. I get that.

Hey, they're talking about us

talking about them.

Yeah, I get that. I was being him.

I get that.

I was being you being them.

Did you see homeboy's ponytail?

- Oh, my God, dude. - Ooh, ooh, ooh.

You're him.

Now I'm him.

Come on, we got to follow these buttfaces.

Hey, have you heard from the guys yet?

No, nothing.

You know, Leroy's right about this chair.

It sucks.

I'm gonna tell Deirdre I need a new chair.

Deirdre? No, no, no, no, no, no.

- I would not do that. - Why? She's an accountant.

- Her job is to buy us stuff. - No, she is not just an accountant.

Look, I heard one time that she caught Darren

trying to take home a club soda, she made him eat the can.

We deserve perks.

At my cousin's office, they have a tropical fish tank,

and on your birthday, you get to eat one of the fish.

- That's a perk? - Yes.

He chose this beautifully mature pufferfish.

That's a meal you don't forget in a hurry.

Well, if you mess with Deirdre, she will eat you.

Bon appétit, baby.

- Oh, Dr. Barry. Hello there. - Dee Dee, baby...

- Oh, it's Deirdre. - Mm-hmm.

How's the old, uh, number crunching coming, Deirdre?

It's going great, actually. Uh, I just got a new spreadsheet

- program that allows... - Great. Anyways, I'm going to need

a new office chair because my back is a-howling.

And I'm thinking about the Airback Luxury Exec Model.

It's about $900, but it's worth every penny.

And I want it in black, matte black.

I just want it done, and I want it delivered today.

Well, I don't know if I'll be able to do it today,

but I will do my best.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I, um, make it sound like a request?

Of course.

I'll get you your chair right away.