Beth Stelling: If You Didn't Want Me Then

Thank you, guys.

What's up, Dayton?

Thank you.

I'm gonna set up my little office here.

I'm gonna need these glasses later. My... My vision is declining rapidly.

Anybody else feel like they've been aging in dog years?

Everything to me looks like, you know, those public park restroom mirrors

that are just a buffed sheet of metal?

I'm getting ready like, "I'm seeing a general outline here."

"That'll do."

I have a whole new appreciation

for my teachers in their sixties growing up,

who always had, like, mascara right here...

...and a buzz cut situation.

I mean, I get it. Work smarter, not harder.

And now is also the perfect time to announce

I plan to age.

- Thank you. -

Naturally, ideally from the comfort of my own home.

Somebody's got to do it.

We need a control group in Los Angeles.

Otherwise, we won't know what old ladies look like.

So I volunteer.

If I do get surgery, it's going to be a lobotomy.

My friend Monica wants one too,

and I just told her, "Fuck it, let's get our heads done!"

Let's get our heads done.

I ran that joke by my mom first,

and...

...her response was,

"Wouldn't that be nice?"

- -

Curveball Diane.

The pandemic was rough on us all.

I used to be able to shock her.

Not anymore.

I'm very grateful for my mom.

She raised me and my two older sisters, who I'm very close with.

I met them through my mom in the late '80s,

and... we've remained close.

My mom's cool.

She absolutely loves the Olympics.

She's obsessed.

Huge o-head. Her words.

She's also pretty big fan of me. You know, she won't stop texting.

And...

She likes to hype me up, you know, before shows.

And one time, before a show, she said to me,

"Bethy, you are so good at stand-up comedy."

"If it were an Olympic event...

...you would win gold

in the women's stand-up comedy."

She did raise us right here in Dayton, Ohio.

Mmm.

I knew you guys would be happy for me.

Not everybody shows us the respect we deserve.

You know, we're the birthplace of aviation.

- - Yeah.

North Carolina has been coming for us for years.

Their license plates say, "first in flight."

It's like, "Okay."

It was built in Dayton. We just used you for your wind.

The flights were short. They meant nothing to them!

Shitty hawk.

My passions have changed since you saw me last.

I'm very into aviation now.

Nah. We all spent the last couple of years differently.

Me personally,

I searched the Wright brothers on the internet a couple times.

Just to learn about my heritage, the city I come from.

It's funny how our whole motto is based upon two men

who literally wanted to fly away.

And they couldn't.

- -

Nonetheless,

back in 1892,

Wilbur and Orville, they had a bike shop.

They were old before they flew.

I thought they did popcorn for a bit, but that is Redenbacher.

Now, you can still go visit it, the original bike shop...

The first one has been torn down, as I'm sure everybody here knows.

Uh... I believe there's a credit union or something,

but you can still visit the fourth one over... over on Williams.

You can poke your head in there, yeah,

see all the photos of... of Wilbur and Orville working on the bikes.

And there's another dude in there helping them.

There's no ladies working at the bike shop.

If they let us in there,

we would have gotten to Peloton much faster.

And the seats would have been more comfortable too.

No, I realize it's... it's silly to get your tail in a knot over firsts.

Like, he was first to do something, because I guess you got to ask,

"Were you first, or were you the only one allowed to do it?"

He was that one.

I'm scratchy.

- This is Sleepytime tea. -

I'm just, like...

My, um...

...my mom is a pianist, which was funny for a while.

She taught elementary school music, uh, for 34 years,

and I would... I grew up going to visit her classroom even into college.

And one time I was visiting her class.

She had a second grade group in there. And she was teaching them that song,

one, two, buckle, my shoe, three four shut the... You know, classic.

She has all the kids in a circle. Circles are huge in the music industry.

And she's having them finish, you know, like one, two, three, four, five, six.

She gets to nine, ten, and she points to this little second grade boy.

She says, "Nine, ten,"

and he goes, "Big fat asshole."

I literally had to steady myself on the door frame. I was laughing so hard.

My mom was like, "Jonathan, you go sit by the door!"

I was like, "Not over here. He's killing."

Nine, ten, big fat asshole?

It doesn't even rhyme.

This kid's a genius.

What, was he just saving it up all day for Diane's class?

Knowing that the worst that would happen to him was like,

"Jonathan, you go sit by the door."

"You're too young to be alone in the hallway,

but you're out of the circle!"

I don't even know how old second grade is.

Nobody tell me.

I was like, "Where did he get that?" "Was it a dare?"

I personally like to think he probably heard it at home,

or some version of it.

But I have a wild imagination, so.

I like to think it was probably his mom...

...saying it to his dad.

"You've been gone from 9 a.m. to 10 p.m., you big fat asshole!"

"I could use a little help."

"Especially from five to six, when you're probably out sucking dicks!"

"Try to come home again at 3 or 4."

"I'm going to shut the door in your big fat asshole face!"

"Oh, Jonathan, I'm sorry you had to see that."

That is his real name. I...

I've left it his real name in case he needs to find me, uh...

I wanna know the truth.

He should be making his way to the stand-up scene any day now,

and... I'll ask him myself.

She also did the high school chorus, and that was after school.

So I'd go over there, so I wouldn't have to have a babysitter.

And she would have the chorus up on the risers.

And I would be in the aisles doing cartwheels and back walkovers,

some splits and stuff,

trying to get the high school boys' attention.

I had crushes on all of them.

They were up here, singing their hearts out.

It was hot.

And I don't know, I was probably in, like, third or fourth grade.