How To with John Wilson

Hey, New York.

There are countless opportunities

to make small talk in a big city.

Even though some people seem to avoid it at all costs.

Small talk is the glue that binds us all together

and the armor that shields us

from each other's darkest thoughts.

It's useful when you meet up with a friend...

go on a date...

or try to start a professional relationship.

Failing to know how to engage properly

could condemn you to a life of social alienation.

But it can be extremely rewarding

if you know how to do it right.

So instead of making people take on the full weight

of all your problems,

stick with me, and I'll make sure

that every talk you have from here on out

is small talk.

A nice way to begin is by leaving your apartment

and trying to find someone who is willing to talk to you.

Thankfully, New York is filled with friendly people,

so this should be easy.

One of the main functions of small talk

is to fill space with polite conversation,

uh, until you can be alone again.

So make sure to only talk about stuff from your everyday life

that anyone can relate to and forget about easily.

You can talk about how nice the weather is,

uh, but just make sure that

you never mention climate change.

You can talk about what's on TV,

uh, but make sure that you only talk...

you only mention, uh, the nice stuff.

You can also talk about the health of your plant,

but don't mention that it's a painful reminder

of your ex, uh, who gave it to you,

uh, because she loved you

even though you were emotionally unavailable,

uh, to her.

Pets are, uh, really good to talk about too.

You can always talk about pets.

But much like in real estate,

uh, location is everything when you're making small talk.

You could pose the same question

in two, uh, different environments

and receive wildly different answers.

You could ask a question to a philosopher...

Do you think mankind is gonna make a comeback?

I hope so. (SIGHS)

Um, if we can survive the perils of climate change, inequality,

and, um, the fantastic weapons of destruction

we've created for ourselves.

But that same question,

uh, might get a much different answer at WrestleMania.

Do you think Mankind is gonna make a comeback?

No, not today.

He fell off too many Hell in a Cells.

Oh, really? -Yeah.

What about mankind in general?

Oh! Mankind, like, the whole world?

I mean, it's not bad, it could be better,

but I'm happy with my life, so.

What do you, uh, what do you do?

Uh, I catch child predators.

If you wanna look me up, it's Mr. 17540 on Facebook.

That's what I do in my spare time.

You catch child predators?

-Yes, I do. How?

I set up the stings online, and I Facebook Live 'em,

and I go and get 'em.

Really? -Yes, sir.

At the end of our conversation,

the gentleman invited me to his headquarters

And I figured I could learn something

by heading out there to see him in action.

So, what's going on today?

Well, we're gonna go catch us a predator today.

Yeah? Do you have something set up?

Oh, yeah, a guy's 28 years old,

he knows that I'm 15,

and told him to bring condoms,

and he's gonna try to meet me for sex.

Because his job involves keeping people engaged

for long periods of time,

I figured he would have some insight

into sustaining friendly conversations.

So, what are you saying to this person right now?

So, he just told me...

Like I said, I find these guys,

I look at their profile, I ask 'em questions.

I... I said I liked his dogs. He said, "Thank you."

Right away, he says,

"It's a Norwegian elkhound and a chocolate Lab,"

and "What are you doing on here, then?"

Because I told him I'm 15.

We'll tell him I'm just looking for fun

and that my grandma used to have dogs like that.

Did your grandma really have dogs like that?

No, hell no.

It seems like when you're having small talk,

it's okay to lie if it helps you avoid

uh, getting too personal,

because that can be a real turn off.

You know, I've had people just vent their problems

like, "My mother-in-law is in the hospital,"

or "My girlfriend just cheated on me,"

and those are the people, like, I...

Well, I'm not here for a conversation like that.

And I just block 'em and go to the next one.

But in the middle of our conversation,

his plans fell through.

Damn it!

Now he's saying he doesn't wanna do it,

and he's bailing out at the last second.

Like, the best I can say is like,

"Okay, thanks for wasting my day.

I took school off today."

So, I guess try not to say too much,

or else you might scare someone away.

Because the more you talk to someone,

the harder it is to hide who you really are.

I got a rug off Craigslist recently.

The ad said that there were a few blood stains on the rug

from a stress-related incident.

Uh, but it was free.

When I got to the storage space to pick it up,

instead of the small talk about interior decorating

that I expected, the guy just spent

the entire time telling me about his divorce.

It can be hard to keep a conversation

in a safe zone

when you're filled with so much pain.

My ex-wife demanded I get rid of my shit.

But an expert small talker

will know how to suppress these emotions

and appear stable,

no matter how much pressure is building up inside.

For example, if you need to retrieve a sweater

from someone that you used to date, uh,

start first by sending them a text message.

And if you discover that they had deleted your number,

uh, just calmly remind them, uh, of your name.

It might have been a while since you've seen them,

so when you go to their apartment

to pick it up,

make sure to keep the conversation light

and focused on the sweater.

Which should be easy for you

because, uh, before you stopped seeing each other,

uh, she... she told you that you were too closed off.

And when she brings up that she's dating someone new,

uh, just, uh, wish her well

and bike home as quickly as possible.

If... if you do want to talk to someone

about your previous relationships,

you should only do it with your really close friends,

who you can call up anytime to reminisce.

(OVER PHONE) I don't know if we've ever talked

about any of our exes with each other.

I don't know...

Okay.

I don't know if you and I have ever, uh,

bro-ed down like that.

You... I guess you don't always need

to talk about personal stuff,

uh, for someone to technically be your friend.

And if you're not a big talker in general,

you can use a popular technique called baiting

to get people to talk to you.

Uh, baiting involves wearing or doing something

that will invite conversation.

This could be a fashion choice or a method of transportation.

The way you move,

the way you eat.

A new haircut is good bait.

Or you can just dress like a hose.

Wearing a band T-shirt is a popular way

to get someone to talk to you in public.

But if you can't afford to go to, um,

a Blue Chip concert,

you can always go see a cover band

that has a name that's similar to a, uh, a real band.

Once you've seen enough, sprint over to the merch table

to, uh, beat the crowd

and pick out the boldest apparel that you can afford.

Then you're gonna go to the tallest elevator

in your city, uh, and it won't be long

until someone takes the bait

and starts a conversation with you.

Have you heard of them?

Yeah, they're bagpipers.

They're a bagpipe cover band.

Once you have enough small talk with someone,

they will eventually become an acquaintance.

To be a successful acquaintance,

you will need to have, uh, broad interests

and, uh, relatable flaws.

And no matter how awful your life currently is,

you can never reveal this to another acquaintance.