What We Do in the Shadows

As you know, Gizmo is in a perpetual twilight...

... between being a human and a vampire.

"Not a human, not yet a vampire,"

to paraphrase one of your contemporary

musical troubadours.

Now, I've turned my attention to isolating

the genetic marker which is slowing his transformation.

It's a very complex scientific procedure

where I mix his DNA

with the DNA of stray animals

just to see what shakes.

So, I began by fusing him with a swine.

All very good.

And a frog... Frog not so happy,

- but it's just a frog. -

This beaker for the dog,

and this one for you.

- Mm. - Oh, shit.

I just realized I got those the wrong way around.

- My mistake. - What do you mean, that...

That's a big mistake. Am I gonna be okay?

You'll be fine. I just need another urine sample.

- Urine sample? For... - To refill the beakers.

Ha-ha!

Laszlo's been in there for three days

- and three nights now. - Success!

- I think he's on the verge of a breakthrough. - - Aw, shit.

Well?

I don't know how to put this lightly,

but you're fucked.

And while we're being blunt,

you are what the scientific community

refer to as a lost cause with no hope whatsoever.

So... that's it? You're just gonna give up on me?

I'm not gonna give up on you, I'm gonna give up on the experiments.

And I'd like you to do one thing for me.

Anything. Whatever you want.

- - What are those?

Those... well, they're just some of the results

of my experiments with your DNA.

Kill them.

These are words for "money" in America.

So I have been teaching a class

in Little Antipaxos on

assimilating to America.

I have been helping them master everyday skills

such as language proficiency.

Whoa! Hey, I'm walkin' here!

Learn better driving etiquette, you piece of shit!

I just spilled my coffee! Write it down.

Typical American industries.

Films, newspapers, beef.

Write it down.

And I told them the words to the colonial patriot hymn,

which is the song of the nation.

Also, a very important day, which is

the annual turkey sacrifice.

Okay, so, welcome to Thanksgiving.

When we are not eating we are paying respects

to the bird... touching it, blowing it kisses.

Keeping very low, on three.

One, two, three.

And then acknowledge the onion.

It all started when The Guide discovered a new detail

about this ancient hex that's been ruining my life.

Give me that.

"For those you've burned, you must atone."

And that's when I figured it out.

So, back in my Antipaxos, there was only

one school that everyone went to.

School wasn't easy for anyone, but especially not me.

All the other children said I was too noisy,

so I was always made to sit outside.

And then one day, somebody burned down the school.

And that person was me.

Nobody died, but no one ever learned

anything ever again.

My fellow villagers never forgave me.

Which is why I believe doing a school

for my fellow little Antipaxons will maybe be a way

to reverse this motherfucking hex!

- Whose... - These freaks of nature

are a result of my DNA recombinations.

In layman's terms, they're tiny Gizmos.

Created for the diagnosis of your vampiratus interruptus.

These creatures are-are me?

Pretty much, yeah, I mean,

you can tell by the irritating way in which they behave.

- Get the fuck off. -

That one there came from one of your stool samples and a pig.

This one, from a cheek swab and a dog.

And I believe you've met these chaps before.

- Oof. - Ugh.

- Do we have to kill them? - I'm afraid so.

Their continuous existence is too painful reminder

- of my failings as a scientist. -

Ah, and that one... now that's a complete mistake.

Some wool from one of your hideous sweaters

got in the petri dish,

and there you go. But between you and I,

kill that one first.

In conclusion, the two steps

one, go to bank, two, open account.

Write that down.

- Ooh, ooh! - Ooh.

I asked Nandor and Colin Robinson

to come with me on the first day because

I didn't want the class to look too empty.

But now I cannot get those two tits to leave.

It's not the best school class I've ever attended,

even though it's the only one.

How was your weekend?

Same old, same old.

I hear that, asshole.

I thought we'd learn more about history, like warriors

and killing and pillaging,

but I guess we got to get through the boring stuff first.

I used to audit a lot of night school classes.

Fiction writing, mostly. I once

did a poem that I titled

An Ode to My Father's Masculinity.

Easy drain.

How many people did you have sex with this weekend?

- Seven. - One.

No! Water cooler does not talk.

Write that down.

Oh, so stupid. I give up.

I'm starting to think that

maybe I'm not very good at this.

No, I... I can't.

I can't do this. I can't

hurt an innocent creature... Ew.

- Get off, get off, get off. -

I could just probably call an exterminator

or animal control because, technically, you are vermin, so...

Wow, you do look like me.

Is teaching

actually going to help me lift this fucking hex?

- - You are struggling.

Oh, fantastic. Another disgruntled student.

You have a troubled energy about you.

A dark presence looms.

Do you know about the hex?

Ever since you have come here, you have brought with you

a very dark, spectral

specter.

It's like a hex, if you will.

And what is your name,

crispy, old, wizened crone?

Oh, my name's Helen.

Hel... Oh, just Helen. That's it. Just Helen?

- Helen the Magic Woman. - And you can help me

rid myself of this disgusting hex?

- Yes. -

I am so sorry, class, but something has come up.

Colin, Nandor, one of you is the teacher now! Go!

- I can't say I am surprised... - I am the teacher...

- ... by this turn of events. - ... and you will listen to me now.

- I have been known to... - I am an expert in...

- ... um... -

Okay. I think I have gotten this.

A gray egg from a red turkey,

a petal of wolfsbane...

Magic can be a very

strange and confusing thing,

which is why I do not fuck with it.

... a snake's nose...

But if this sorceress

can fix me, then hell yes, I'm all in.

Is there anything else you require for this magic potion?

I will need an eye of newt,

a black cat's whisker

and a chocolate glazed from the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue.

What is this, uh, an enchanted forest or something?

It is a pastry shop.

- Oh. - They sell what in these modern times

are called doughnuts.

A doughnut?

- Why would you need a doughnut? - Normally,

I would require you to retrieve the sweetest flower

- from the peak of Mount Juktas. - Oh.

But honestly, it tastes a lot like a doughnut, so...

I'll get on with this. Goodbye, hex.

- Come on, get inside. Let's go. Okay. -

No, I don't know what the next step is,

but it's definitely not killing them. Maybe to the zoo?

Uh... the park? I could drop you guys at the park, huh?

A good run in the park would do me a world of good.

- You can talk. - Many of us can.

I apologize for not telling you sooner, I just didn't want to...

- shock you. -

A question: What is the most important knowledge...

one can possess?

History.