The Millers

Mom, you said you wanted to just stop by

and drop something off for Mykayla.

You've been here so long, I feel like I need to shave again.

The something I wanted to drop off was my knowledge.

I may be retired from teaching,

but you're never really retired from teaching.

It's like the CIA.

Yeah, and leave her alone. I need mom here.

The last project I helped Mykayla with, we got a C.

I don't know what it is,

we dominated second grade, but I must have gotten cocky.

Third grade is...

I was trying to think

of a word better than "hard" and I can't.

Why don't you guys go down to the basement

and look for an old box of mine that says "felt props."

Hopefully finding them won't be too hard.

Or difficult or challenging or arduous.

Look, mom, I'm sorry, but I've already been

through the third grade.

Twice, so...

You're just gonna need to find your own ride home.

I get it. You have a life of your own.

A life I gave you, but no one ever said

that entitled me to a ride somewhere.

Oh, God.

Are you seriously having a mound of tater tots

at 4:00 in the afternoon?

Yup, third mound of the day.

Wait a second, I'm driving mom around

and you're eating tater tots all day?

How did we switch lives?

More importantly, how do we switch back?

If you're hungry, the garage freezer's full of them.

No, no, no! What are you doing?

We're gonna have dinner in...

Dad said I could!

Great, I was gonna make dinner for him at 6:00,

but now our schedule's all off.

Ah-ah!

These are mine.

I just want one. I'm gonna get hungry.

Which would've been my concern

when we were married, but we're no longer married.

So I'm no longer invested in your hunger.

They're overcooked anyway.

Listen.

I can make my tots as crispy as I want,

because they aren't our tots, they're my tots.

In the words of Jerry Steinfeld, "no tots for you!"

What? Got something on my shirt?

Oh, God, oh, you...!

Oh, my God, mom!

Stay away from my tots.

Oh, my God, I almost died.

Yup.

You gave me life, I gave you life.

Enjoy the walk home.

The Millers S01E02 "Plot Twists"

Running out of time for my segment.

Why hasn't Janice introduced me?

The weather's running long.

Janice and Storm Staliano

are trying to one-up each other telling thunderstorm jokes.

She's never gonna throw to me.

One thing I learned about Janice when we were married,

- she's always got to have the last word. - And Storm Stalliano?

The guy never runs out of precipitation jokes.

I got stuck in an elevator with the guy once.

Funniest five hours of my life!

She's got to throw to me.

Don't worry, she will. But keep things professional.

I know she's your ex-wife, but she's also your anchor.

And people are starting to notice some tension.

There's no tension on my end.

There's no tension.

If there was tension on my end,

I'd be weirdly laughing right now.

She's got to throw to me! Come on, she's got to...

Okay, here we go!

Four, three, two...

You're on!

Thank you, Janice! If your weather jokes were half as fast

as the bike riders who just whizzed by,

our viewers would have gotten a glimpse

of the Tour De Leesburg.

Maybe there's a straggler or two though.

Nope.

Oh, I'm sorry, Nathan, if I stole your thunder.

Didn't mean to rain on your parade.

That's hilarious, Janice.

Those of our viewers who tuned in

for the Bazooka Joe-Caliber puns instead of the news

must be quite excited.

Maybe you and Storm should take your act out on the road.

Well, I'm sure if we do, you'll be there

to report about it seconds after we drive by.

Anything else out there?

Nope.

This is Nathan Miller, walking your now empty streets.

See?

No tension.

Oh, you got to be kidding me!

I want to thank you all for coming to this family meeting.

As some of you know, I had a scary incident recently

where I was almost assassinated by an overcooked tater tot.

Which got me thinking.

I no longer want to be buried next to your father.

Oh, that's too bad.

I just ordered a gravestone that says, "I'm with stupid."

Um, could you guys talk about this another time?

I'm not... I'm not very good with this topic.

Yeah, Adam's a little squeamish when it comes

to the subject of death.

Death bothers him.

Who doesn't it bother?

I'll keep it brief.

A few years ago, I bought us all cemetery plots

next to each other.

Please tell me those are grandfather clocks.

Uh, I'm sorry, wait.

You... You got us cemetery plots?

Without asking us?

I thought it'd be a nice surprise

that would unfold with every death.

I went through the album and found pictures

where everybody's eyes were closed.

She's got dead dolls of us, honey.

She's got dead dolls of us!

As of right now, your father and I are in the middle.

He's on the left, I'm on the right.

Because that's the way we slept for the last 43 years.

And I'm sure he smells just about the same.

And as always, I'm sure you'll just lay there.

Uh, Nathan is obviously next to me.

Obviously.

Now, when I bought these,

Janice and Nathan were still married,

so I had Janice next to him.

And Debbie and Adam are bunked up

down there in the hole by Tom.

Well, wait a second, Adam and I were married

five years before Nathan and Janice.

Why do we have to share?

Well, I could only buy five together.

And you still brag about the time you flew economy plus,

so this should feel luxurious to you.

But it doesn't matter now,

'cause all that is changing anyway.

Okay, can we seriously change the subject, please?

Because I just... Just, death makes me... very, very uncomfortable.

Yeah, man, it makes everybody uncomfortable.

What makes you think you're special?

Because I know people that have died.

Okay, my high school principal, dead.

My... My childhood mailman is dead.

All my great-grandparents

except for, uh, Nanny Bananny and, uh...

Could I... I please just finish this?!

Now...

I want to be as far away from your father as possible.

- Ditto. - After that, I don't care where anyone is.

You can all decide on your own.

But it only makes sense that Nathan's next to me.

And Debbie's next to Tom.

And now Adam can have Janice's

after Nathan gets her to sign this paperwork.

Uh, uh, you know what? Mom, Janice and I

have a real delicate balance going at work right...

I... I don't feel comfortable asking her about this.

I understand, I'll do it. I haven't seen her since the divorce.

We never got a chance to do our exit interview.

You know what? I'll talk to her.

That's all right. I got it, I got it.

I'll talk to her.

Great.

There we are.

One big, dead, happy family.

Uh, okay, you know what? That's it.

I... I can't do this anymore.

My babysitter's father, dead.

Three of the four Golden Girls.

And those ladies practically raised me.

That's amazing footage of the newborn panda

at the National Zoo.

Oh, what a cute little sneeze.

Hope he survives the week.

Well, that's it for this Thursday.

Good night, Leesburg.

Keep smiling.

Can't believe my mother got me into this.

There's no way that Janice doesn't

- turn this into a big fight. - I'll tell you what.

Janice and I are both training for the D.C. marathon.

I'll go over there and chat her up.

You come over there, act like you're on the phone,

swoop in, get the paper signed and swoop out.

I do love a good swoop.

Oh, yeah, a good swoop'll get you out of all kinds of trouble.

I once broke my buddy's bowling trophy.