John Early: Now More Than Ever

- I made my famous lemon squares. - You did?

- Oh, my gosh! - Oh, my gosh, what?

- And he bakes? - Damn, these are so good.

These are amazing.

- What is the secret ingredient? - Lemon?

Let's go kill it out there, all right?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage...

John Early!

I'll tell you what I did last night

I came home, say Around a quarter to three

Still so high

Hypnotized In a trance from this body

So buttery, brown and tantalizing

You would have thought I needed help

With this feeling that I felt

So shook I had to catch my breath

There goes my shirt above my head

Oh, my

There goes my skirt

Dropping to my feet

Oh, my, oh, my

Some kind of touch caressing my neck

Oh, my

I'm turning red, who could this be?

I looked over to the left

I was looking so good I couldn't reject myself

I looked over to the left

Oh, I was feeling so good I had to touch myself

I looked over to the left

I was higher, My thighs butter-pecan brown

I looked over to the left

Coming out of my shirt And then my skirt came down

There goes my shirt above my head

Oh, my

There's goes my skirt Dropping to my feet

Oh, my, oh, my

Some kind of touch caressing my legs

Oh, my

I'm turning red, who could this be?

Hello, Brooklyn.

It's so nice to be back in the borough

of my wasted sexual prime.

Check... check, one, two. You guys can hear me, right?

Check, check.

I just want to make sure this is amplifying queer voices.

My name is John Early

and I solemnly swear to make you feel so good tonight.

I will drain you like a public pool

after a kid's taken a shit in it.

There goes my shirt above my head

Oh, my

There goes my skirt Dropping to my feet

Oh, my

Some kind of touch caressing my neck

Oh, my

I'm turning red, who could this be?

Make some noise for John Early and The Lemon Squares.

You're damn right, we got the drumhead.

It's official. Can you believe this band?

Okay, let's circle up for a prayer.

Will.

Sorry, John.

Okay. Dear God, You know, it's easy to dismiss comedy

as purely silly or as just escapism.

But what we do up there tonight has the power to change lives.

Just today, a little girl came up to me on the street

and she told me that my videos and stuff had given her the courage

to come out to her entire family.

And...

that little girl was me.

That little girl was me.

Wait, what?

I'm actually confused, too.

One more thing. I promise.

One more thing and we're gonna get started.

And they're gonna hate me for saying anything at all

because they're very shy

but my parents are here tonight.

And it's really sweet. And I just... It's so sweet to me.

And I just want to acknowledge it.

And I promise not to call any more attention to them

because they're very, you know, modest and Presbyterian.

But yeah, but...

Everybody get a real good look at my stupid fucking parents.

What's it like being under the spotlight for once?

It feels nice, right?

Well, it's hell for me.

I have to live with that every day.

And, guys, it can all go away in a heartbeat.

Release.

Fuck you!

I hated growing up.

Okay.

We're gonna start the show. Okay.

All right.

If we look back at the Access Hollywood tapes...

not so bad.

If we look back soberly after stuff has died down just a little bit

you know, he sounds less predatory in retrospect

and maybe a little more just like someone...

who's terrified of sex.

You know? Like, I think if we're really being honest with ourselves

like Trump is just not a sensual person.

Like, I guess it sounded like "locker-room talk"

in that it sounded like me at age 12 in the locker room...

trying to convince a group of straight guys

that I "like" Lizzie.

You know? Like...

You just grab 'em by the pussy.

I moved on her like a bitch.

These are direct quotes.

And my favorite of all time. My favorite of all time is...

I better get some Tic Tacs in case I start kissing her.

One of my least favorite pieces of advice is "Be yourself."

And here's why.

If there are eight billion people on this planet, okay?

Eight billion apparently unique individuals

with some sort of authentic self lurking within.

Then being yourself should technically look

about eight billion different ways, right?

But when someone tells you to be yourself

they want one thing and they want one thing only.

And it's this.

There's a monopoly on the tone of being yourself, right?

Like, everyone always wants this. They want this.

It's so corny.

Another piece of advice that I hate is, "A watched pot never boils"

but specifically in the romantic sense.

You know, when people are like, "The second you stop looking

he'll come."

"Don't look, then he'll come," you know.

Because if the end goal of not looking, stopping looking

is still just to find someone, that he'll come

then doesn't that make the not looking

just another form of looking?

How do you not look?

How do you not...

How do you not look? What?

Like, this is me looking for love. Ready?

This is me looking for love.

That was it.

Because we're all constantly looking for love.

Now, this is me not looking for love.

Okay, this is me not looking for love.

It's impossible, is what I'm trying to say.

You know, what am I supposed to do on the way to get coffee?

I'm supposed to, like, rock a messy bun

and wear a shapeless baggy tee that's like, Zero Fucks Given.

I'm not looking... I'm not looking.

And then, boom, it's the barista.

But I hate when people are like, "Just pour yourself into your work.

Just throw yourself into your work, and then it'll come."

You know, it's like, I'm an actor.

Like, the more I'm working, the more I'm looking for love, you know?

Like, what am I supposed to do, turn to ceramics?

I become obsessed with, like, working with my hands.

I start making, like, folk art.

I'm like, "Can someone help me move my sculpture?

It's of a man, but he's made of different guitar parts.

I'm John.

Hi.

This is crazy."

Hey, Dom and Princess?

- Yeah? - Hey.

Do you mind scooting back for me a little bit?

Oh, sure. Of course.

- How's this? - Keep going back, actually.

- Okay. - Keep going. Yeah.

Don't stop til you feel that curtain in front of you, okay?

- Oh, yeah. - Keep scooching.

- Keep scooching. - Yeah, okay.

- Yeah. - Right?

- That's good. - Yeah.

So, Yazan, if you can scootch stage right for me.

And, Drew, can you scootch stage left?

Oh, Yazan, stage right is your right. That's okay, sweetie.

Keep scooching... keep scooching.

Both of y'all. Keep scooching... keep scooching.

- Yeah, keep scooching. - I'm at the top of the steps.

Well, then scooch on down those steps.

Keep scooching... keep scooching. Oh, okay.

See how Drew is in that, like, moody kind of shadowy light?

Let's lock that in. Evan, let's lock that in.

Okay, so, Hess and Will, can y'all hunch for me?

Hunch.

Yeah. Keep hunching... keep hunching.

Okay, yeah.

See, so this feels dynamic to me.

- Right? - Yeah, I agree.

I think...

Sometimes anal is so good.

Buckle up, guys. This is a long joke.

And, yeah, unfortunately for you, I'm a sexual being.

Release.

I'm so sorry about them, you guys.

I literally didn't want them here. Like, I wanted it to be just us.

Sometimes anal is so good. It's so good that it makes me wonder.

It makes me think like it's not just some hack.

Like sometimes it's so good. I'm like, "Oh, it wasn't just some

like, sex hack invented by homosexuals, like...