Taskmaster

Hello and welcome at last to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies and I am the Taskmaster.

I'm powerful and in peak physical condition.

What's that? You're new to the show?

Let me explain the simple premise.

Five funny people have been set a load of ludicrous tasks

that we have filmed them attempting to complete.

Over the coming weeks, I will pass judgment on their efforts

from this magnificent throne.

At the end of the tenth episode,

the person who has amassed the most points across the run

will take home the ultimate prize.

My beautiful head,

cast in solid gold.

For the losers...

Well, I'm afraid their careers will be destroyed.

We promised there would be no changes when we moved to Channel 4,

but I have removed the studio audience.

Nothing to do with recent events.

I just don't like being near members of the public.

So while they're watching next door,

it's just me and the contestants in the hotbox of competition.

So strap in. It's gonna be intense.

Joining us for this series are the incredible...

Daisy May Cooper!

Johnny Vegas!

Katherine Parkinson!

Mawaan Rizwan!

And Richard Herring!

And, next to me,

the man whose job it is to keep track of all the facts and figures.

He's been my personal assistant for coming up to six years,

and yet, we have genuinely only socialised together three times.

His neck is the same width as his head,

he chooses to wear plastic slip-on shoes,

and he once told me, at some point nearly every day,

he cries.

It's Little Alex Horne!

It's nice to be here.

I've been keeping busy.

Yeah. What have you been up to?

Friendship bracelets. Making friendship bracelets.

- OK. - There we go.

They all represent different aspects of our friendship.

So we've got when we first met, and then when you acknowledged me...

for the first time, a couple of years later.

Yep.

- And then this arm is future events. - Right.

The first time we go to a swimming pool together.

- Yeah. - Christmas.

If we spend Christmas toge...

Do you want me to go through them all?

- No, not at all. - OK.

It follows the pattern of all of your opening chats,

which is, "seemingly normal statement..."

"...oblique follow-up."

Yes, there's a format.

Good. On with the first part of the show.

- The prize task. - Yeah.

That's the first part of the show.

Each of our contestants has brought in a personal possession

to place in tonight's prize pot.

At the end of the episode, the winner will take all of the possessions home.

Yeah.

And to kick off the new series, we've asked them to bring in

the nicest thing to put in your mouth.

OK? It's not even that kind of show.

The person who has brought in the nicest thing to put in their mouth

will be awarded the maximum five points and be off to a cracking start.

At the end of the episode,

the overall winner will take home five nice things

and carry them all home in their gob.

Daisy, what's the nicest thing to put in your mouth?

Wine. Just white wine.

Just white wine.

OK.

And we're off, Greg. We're off.

Feel the rush!

You're gonna have to jazz this up, Daisy,

unless you want to go straight into last place.

Well, white wine... It's just great, isn't it?

Alcohol's really great.

Er, I've got two months to go till my baby's born.

Just been really looking forward to a glass of white wine.

Right, I wasn't convinced by wine.

You know, I've remembered how great it is to drink now,

so you're in with contention.

Johnny, what's the nicest thing you like to pop in your mouth?

Anti-reflux medicine.

It looks like this.

Yeah, I'm very familiar with what it looks like.

It does. It's like the gun in Platoon .

That is my reflux, that is my gun.

This is the burning, this is my tum.

It's not particularly nice to put in your mouth, though, is it?

No, I kind of like the taste.

You know, I had a friend, honestly, another comic,

who, when he got a kebab,

used to put that on.

You know when they say, "What sauce would you like?"

- He'd pour it on the kebab? - He poured it on the kebab.

- That's absolute horseshit. - It stopped him having to get up in the night.

- That's not true. - It's true!

Someone was pouring Gaviscon onto a fucking kebab?

It cut out the middleman!

Katherine, what thing is nice to put in your mouth?

I slightly distorted it, like Johnny did,

because this thing isn't "nice" to put in your mouth,

but the results of having it in your mouth are splendid.

It's this object.

Braces.

Have you ever had a brace?

I've had several braces.

My teeth, when I was younger...

...in the '80s,

were pretty much at a right angle.

Literally straight forward.

I'm not exaggerating, actually...

You are exaggerating.

I remember the orthodontist seeing me for the first time,

and saying, under his breath, "Poor kid."

- Yeah. - So they were bad.

I don't know whether having a brace in your mouth is "nice".

I agree it's better for us to be able to look at you without

you having your teeth out directly in front of you.

- Hello! - Alright?

Tell me, Mawaan, what you have brought

that is nice to put in a person's mouth.

It's a teething toy shaped like a chicken wing.

Let's start with the basics. It doesn't look like a chicken wing.

Yeah, it does!

It doesn't. It looks like a slug or a shit.

Look, when you're trying to go vegan

and you miss having a chicken wing in your mouth...

- Yeah. - ...it's the second best.

There's something genetically in you

that really wants to, like, chomp on meat.

- So that phased that out. - So why not get a piece of rubber?

My gut instinct is, it doesn't look like something that's

at all nice to put in your mouth.

Yeah, but it feels nice, Greg!

- Let's move on to Richard. - Yeah.

Well, the way I went with this,

that no one else seems to have gone with,

is something that was nice to have in your mouth.

Interesting.

Mine is halloumi cheese with chilli in it.

Oh, my God.

You've got to fry it up and everything,

you've got to grill it and do that stuff with it,

but that is the most delicious thing.

It's certainly the most middle-class thing.

Here it is. There we go. That's pre-frying.

Oh, it's not so good there.

Not only do I like how middle-class it is,

I like the fact that when you announced it,

Katherine went like this: "Ooh!"

You've seen them all now, Greg.

I'm afraid I'm going to score this,

what is literally nice to put in your mouth.

- That's the way I've decided to do it. - And I don't blame you for that.

Even if they're not necessarily the most imaginative things,

as is demonstrated by Richard's... halloumi.

OK.

So, in first place, I'm going to put Daisy.

Who doesn't like a lovely glass of wine?

- Five points. - Brilliant!

In second place, unbelievably, it's Halloumi Boy.

- Richard Herring. - In third place, Johnny.

In fourth place, Katherine's mouth guard.

Mouth plate, yeah.

And in fifth place, what a surprise, Mawaan.

Mawaan, you get one point.

You'd rather put her braces in your mouth than my chicken wing?

- I'm surprised. - Correct.

What world do we live in?

Right, task time.

What have we got to begin this fine series?

We have... a coconut.

Oh! Haha.

- Oh, hi, Katherine. - Hi!

- Hello, Johnny! - Hi, Alex!

- Alright, Alex? What you saying? - Er, hello.

Hello, Daisy.

Ooh, that reminds me of village fêtes.

- Hi there. - Oh, hi, Richard.

"Knock the coconut off its perch."

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

Ooh.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, Richard!

You've won...

...this bear.

Thank you so much!

Ooh, great!

Wow!

- Well done. - Do I get to keep it?

Oh, come on!

Yes!