Love at First Spite

Shhh!

Never was.

Never was there...

Never was there a tale

Never was there a tale of such love and devotion.

Multiplied. Doublified.

Squared to the second power and so on.

This is the tale of not one love

but two.

What qualities of the chivalrous do we still possess?

I made a list and you're about to hear it.

Kind, tall, well-groomed, relentlessly sexual.

A steady income from a steady job

and a steady relationship with the most amazing homegrown

Pennsylvania gal to ever share a work cubicle with me.

Unsuspecting.

Resourceful.

Three months vegan just for the occasion.

Detail orientated

and punctual.

6:00. I haven't missed it.

Kate Fisher, you're the upper management to my pitch deck.

The bottom line to my actionable items.

Having you as a coworker these last four years has been...

The most amazing four years of my life.

And I would love...

STEVE No. No, she's not going to say yes to a snoozer like that.

Spice it up or else we're all going to die of boredom.

Oh my God, Dad, this whole thing is her idea, all right?

Then what's the problem?

It's no problem. She just has this thing where “practice makes proposal.”

I read that in a magazine somewhere

Sweetheart.

First of all, she's got us eating these hipster biscuits

Okay so this is a coaster.

Are you sure she's the one?

She's... She's really sweet when you get to know her.

If Chaz doesn't propose

exactly the way I told him to,

Im going to scoop his jelly out with a grapefruit spoon.

She's a bad egg.

Shut up!

Milton!

Milton. Take a lap.

That a boy.

Go to the car.

Find me a bag of pocket meat.

Pocket meat?

Steve! I'm going to need it if I'm going to survive this dinner.

This is a vegan restaurant, here, eat this.

I don't want that.

It's going to be fine.

You're going to say yes. I'm going to throw you a bitch in bachelorette party

Let's go in. I am starving.

Ladies, I got another ride to pick up.

Fine. Don't forget to film it.

Yeah. We're going.

If you mess up recording this,

I swear I'm going to throw your R.V.

off a cliff with you inside of it.

Shoot.

What's wrong? Its stuck on resting bitch face filter.

Oh, wait. That's just you!

MILTON Pocket meat. Smart phones shouldn't be smarter than you.

SCARLETT Yes, they should.

You okay over there?

This is my Dads meat.

Meat? Cute.

Milton! Get inside. I don't want you walking in and ruining this.

- Yes, ma'am. - Kate, I will show

you that love is not dead.

Just misplaced with the wrong man

at the wrong vegan restaurant.

Thank you. Good Job.

Excuse me, herbivore.

Could you heat this up in the microwave, please? Thank you.

We don't have a microwave.

There is always a microwave.

Two minutes should be fine.

My redheaded firecracker

approaches with her simple-witted sister.

Its only the most important video of my life.

Get my face!

SCARLETT Everyone gets married

it's not that special.

SCARLETT Hug!

Oh, sorry.

Blocking the parents.

Mmm

Is this lettuce wrapped lettuce?

It's aged romaine in our signature endive.

Pbbtt!

Who's that?

I like her.

SCARLETT Ooh, champagne!

Kate

You are the reason why I wake up every morning.

Because she probably wouldn't let him sleep in.

Chaz, you are my everything.

SCARLETT She's already usurping.

MILTON “Usurp,” nice word.

Thanks, it was my smartphone word of the day.

Go on Chazzy.

Every day with you is the single best day of my life.

That doesn't make sense.

Dude, please!

Scarlett! Why can't you just shut up for, like, five seconds?

You cant do anything right. You can't take one simple direction. Just stand there.

You two are perfect for each other.

Go ahead, son.

There's always a microwave.

There's always a microwave.

Ooh.

I'm sorry, baby.

It's okay.

It doesn't fit.

It has to fit.

It doesn't fit.

It fits, it has to.

Coming in for a close up! We had it fitted and everything!

They say the camera adds pounds!

Give me a big smile.

I'll show you a pound!

KATE My proposal!

MARGARET No, Steve, no!

You stopped recording!

SCARLETT To call 911!

Steve!

MARGARET No, No!

WAITER Theres always a microwave.

At least I got my pocket meat.

Hey.

Hey.

So last night

I guess that's why they don't throw the bachelorette party

the night before the actual wedding.

Yeah, ending up here was an interesting choice.

I don't actually remember how that happened.

Do you remember?

Yep.

Oh, God. It's going to be a long day.

Do you want me to get you anything? Water? Aspirin?

No, I should get going. I don't want to confuse the wedding guests

on who's getting married

and who's had their first one night stand.

Yeah. See you at the altar.

Bye, Milton.

Im not a virgin.

Suck it, Chaz.

It's about time.

Oh, did you just muffin-bust my brother?

Wait, you're saying he's a virgin?

Yes.

No, there's no way.

I mean, other than that hand of his, he's full on virgin.

No. He did this thing with his hand.

No, no, no, I don't want to know

what he did with anything.

And you know what? Neither should your sister.

KATE No, no, no!

Good luck with that one.

Thanks. You should go through the back door though.

Yep.

Where is...

Down that way.

Okay.

Don't look at me like that.

There needs to be button chrysanthemums.

Hey, is this the back door? I'm a little lost.

Ew, did you sleep on the floor last night?

Dog bed, actually.

Its a step up from the mattress in your trailer.

It was. Very roomy. Ten out of ten.

You're disgusting.

I'll call the florist right now, Cuz.

Hillbilly toothpaste.

No drinking until after the wedding.

I don't want anyone drunk when I walk down the aisle.

You're saying this whole day I have to be sober?

What is that? I can't tell if it's your usual B.O. or something stickier.

This is a beautiful place to have a wedding. Honestly.

Good choice.

Deflecting. But yes, it is gorgeous.

And it's going to be perfect.

And it's going to be the happiest day of my life.

Those inside until the arbor is up!

Okay. Oh, no. You're not actually going through with that, are you?

Unplugged weddings are totally

in right now. I've been to plenty of weddings that go unplugged.

Maybe Chaz will find a way to get your asshole unplugged.

We tried that once. Never again.

Word. So, Kate, just in case the florist ghosts you

what if we use some greenery to fill out the table settings?

There needs to be button chrysanthemums.

Button chrysanthemums are the most important thing!

I would think family is the most important thing.

Yes, Dad. Family is the most important thing.

That's my girl. And then my button chrysanthemums.

“And then my button chrysanthemums.”

Don't start with me.