Taskmaster

Hello, I am Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.

You're about to witness five comedians do battle for points

with the ultimate goal of lifting my heavy golden head

above their ordinary heads, as they are crowned champion of Taskmaster.

It's a brand new series, so let's meet our brand new competitors.

They are...

Doc Brown.

Joe Wilkinson.

Jon Richardson.

Katherine Ryan.

And Richard Osman!

I'm also joined once again by my lovely assistant, Mr Alex Horne.

Hello.

Really?

Welcome back, Alex. How are you?

Good, I'm feeling a lot more confident.

I've got a lot more self-belief now.

So, thank you for that.

I sort of see myself now as your au pair figure.

So I live in your house and I look after your children,

and I'm quite nice to look at. Quite pretty.

- Are you? - Do you think so?

I don't know if this is pejorative or not,

but I think you look a little bit like a pipe cleaner.

So the first task, as ever, is the prize task.

Today you've asked them all to bring in

their most important document.

Yes.

OK, so whoever brings in the most important document,

they'll win the first points, and whoever wins the episode,

will win all the important documents.

Doc Brown, please tell us what your most important document is.

It's my first ever, or one of the very first

full, completed rhyme books

from my time as a teenage rapper.

And who hasn't got those?

It's full of some of the most worthy, earnest,

annoying lyrics you've ever read.

Do you remember any lyrics from it?

"Forget Memory Lane. I travel down Attitude Avenue."

Just fucking awful.

Very good. Joe, what have you brought in?

What's important about your document?

Um, it's... my wedding certificate.

Ooooh.

Wow.

Yeah, um... The thing about this is...

When I said to my missus I was going on the show

and I needed an important document,

I said, "Can I take my wedding certificate?"

and she said no.

And I brought it anyway!

And I'm terrified of her.

I'm genuinely-- That's not a joke.

- I'm absolutely terrified of her, so... - Wow.

I went big early on this one.

Great. Well, I mean, that's gonna be hard to beat.

Jon, what is your important document?

It's my certificate to say that I am a Guinness World Record holder.

- Whoa! - Wow!

Shit.

And what do you hold the world record in?

The highest ever stand-up comedy gig.

On a mountain?

I... did a gig on a plane.

Did anyone else do the gig with you?

Nope.

Dara Ó Briain and Jack Whitehall were there for sort of moral support.

They're both taller than you.

Did they do the gig, Jon?

I was compèring the gig, so I went on first.

I think some people do genuine things to get in the Guinness World Records.

I don't think that's a genuine record.

That's just my honest opinion.

Shots fired.

I can't believe we're believing that Joe Wilkinson is married

and I'm getting shit.

Didn't expect it to be Osman who went down Attitude Avenue.

Katherine?

Well, my important document is worth £10,000.

I do a lot of flying and I love it when no one annoys me

on that flight by doing something like stand-up comedy.

- Because I would be trapped. - Right.

I fly so much for work that I have accrued enough points

to earn a companion voucher.

Any one of you could win it, and that means that wherever you go,

even if it's first class, you could take anyone you like with you,

and they travel for free. What a baller you will seem like.

That's amazing.

That's actually a good prize.

That's a great prize.

Richard?

Like Jon, I've got something that is so important to me,

it's on my living room wall.

Unlike Jon, I actually have a half- decent Guinness World Record.

Et tu, Brute?

Actually verified and all sorts of things.

Didn't have to go on a plane.

Nerd alert.

Yeah, for naming capital cities in a minute, live on television.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, lovely.

- You have to make a decision now. - I'm gonna make a very quick decision.

Do you want to go from least important to most important?

Er, no. I'm putting Joe in first place.

What?

I mean, the idea of you being alone

just saddens me so much, I can't bear it.

It's five points!

That marriage is a sham anyway.

I'm putting Doc Brown in second place.

And I'm slamming the other three in joint third place. That's my plan.

NO!

Do you want me to put you in third place, Katherine?

Yes, please. Alone.

OK. I will, yeah.

Alone?

I'll give Katherine third place and put the others--

So you're putting the two world record holders in last?

- In fourth. - OK.

Time for the first proper action task.

"Place these three exercise balls on the yoga mat..."

"on the top of that hill."

That hill?

"The task is complete when all three balls

sit fully inflated and stationary on the mat."

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now." Up there?

Are you serious?

Um, daunting task?

Not if you've worked at altitude before.

Well, you know, it's an exciting task. I'm looking forward to--

Shall we just see some?

OK. Do you want to see the two Js?

Do you want to see Joe and Jon?

- I do. - OK. Here they are.

"Your time starts now."

- That hill? - Yes, please.

Up there? Are you serious?

Argh!

No!

Argh! Come here, ball.

Oh, God.

Ah, shit!

Ah, fuck...

Two minutes, Joe!

What?

You've had two minutes.

Ah, shut up!

No!

No.

NO!

Augh!

Ah!

Oh! Ffff--

Ugh!

Prick!

Fucking hate hills.

Just had to go back for the other ball.

Yes, I saw that.

There we go.

Done?

Done! Stop the clock.

Well, thank you, Jon.

Fuck you, Alex.

I mean, I don't know how you feel watching it back,

but it occurs to me that my seven-year-old niece

would've come up with a better plan than

"I'm going to hold two and kick one up."

I kicked one of them, admittedly. I tried to carry two.

I think I tried to kick all three.

Yeah.

- Forward-thinking. - Yeah.

I thought, "I'm not carrying those."

Your total score was nine minutes and one second.

Or you can round that up to ten minutes.

- If you want to. - If you want to, yeah.

Yeah, and we do want to.

Jon, six minutes 37.

So that's nearly 15 minutes.

Yeah.

- If you round it up. - Quarter of an hour.

About an hour.

How many minutes do we add

for him insulting the Taskmaster's assistant?

- That's me! - Yeah.

I liked it.

- Happy with that. - Fair enough.

Let's see some more. Who's next?

Uh, the more glamorous... Doc and Katherine?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

It's gonna be windier up there than it is down here.

Might as well take two balls.

Has someone already tried to carry all three at once?

Don't think I can do three.

Do you guys feel like going up to the top of the hill

and just keeping these from blowing away?

Yeah!

I just need them to be stationary on a yoga mat.

That's so kind of you.