Time Bandits

Oh, no.

- - Kevin, look out!

Kevin, look out!

- - What was that?

It was so dark. There was no air, nothing.

It was like a nightmare.

That was an appalling experience.

Widgit, was that your ex-girlfriend's doing?

No, Fianna can't create an airless void. Not literally.

In a relationship, yes, absolutely.

Well, is everyone okay?

- Yeah, I'm all right. - Good.

Where's Judy?

- Oh. - What?

Where is she?

Judy!

Judy!

- Judy! - Judy!

- Judy! - Judy!

Where is she?

- Judy! - Oh, no, it's closed.

I saw her, but then I didn't see her. Penelope, what do I do?

- Okay. No, it's okay, it's all right. - I told her...

Bittelig, she-she either got sucked into the nothing...

What?

...or maybe she's here somewhere.

Yeah. Okay.

I-I don't think she is.

Well, then...

What? I-I-I lost a bandit on my watch?

Can we go back in to get her?

Oh, I don't know what that is.

I've never seen it before. The map doesn't refer to it.

I've never even heard of anything like that happening.

- Yeah. - Oh.

Okay, where are we?

If my calculations are correct, Central Vienna, 1897.

- No, they're not correct. - No, that's not right.

We're in the desert.

Yes. No, we are in the desert and so we can't wait here or we'll die.

But I am confident that Judy will find us.

We have to go.

Well said.

- Kevin. - Yep, I'm coming.

Ah, the desert.

Unrelenting and pitiless.

Nothing living for miles around.

What about them?

Whoa.

Apart from them.

- Oh. - Let's go.

Yes, this feels right to me.

Feel the warmth.

Come on. Move it, everyone. It's amazing here. Let's go.

Oh, Judy...

Bittelig, uh, find out who these people are and what they're doing, et cetera.

Who are you, people? What are you doing, et cetera?

Who are you, people? What are you doing, et cetera?

Who are you, people? What are you doing, et cetera?

This is the hajj of Mansa Musa.

This is the hajj of Mansa Musa.

Great. What is that and who is that?

Oh, I-I don't know.

M-Mansa Musa?

He's in my book.

He was the king of Mali in the medieval times.

"Mansa Musa, the Malian Empire reached its territorial peak

under his reign in the 14th century.

His hajj to Mecca comprised 60,000 people,

including many wives, and carried an innumerable amount of gold.

His estimated wealth would make him the richest person in history."

Okay, well, this is only the moment we've been waiting for.

The richest person in history meets the greatest thief in history.

Are they here? Perhaps we should ask for some tips.

No, I meant myself.

Ah, yes.

We are about to carry out the most epic heist of all time.

- Yeah. - Ooh.

And I have the perfect plan.

Okay, okay, listen up.

While Widgit calculates the most efficient route

to the closest portal for our escape...

Bittelig will hide next to the mansa's treasure tent,

scope out the situation and evaluate any risks.

- -

When he gives the signal, Alto, our master of disguise...

- Appears as a camel. - No, no.

It... Mmm, it'll be challenging

but I think I can pull it off with the right physicality.

No, Alto. No.

You'll be wearing a copy of the mansa's guards' uniform.

You'll approach the guard and tell him you're there to relieve him.

And then he leaves on a camel played by me.

No, no.

With the guard out of the way,

next we need to put Mansa Musa to sleep.

This is where Kevin comes in.

Oh, because I'm so boring.

Precisely.

History.

Facts.

Stonehenge.

Ancient Egypt.

The final phase is, I steal the gold

right out from under the mansa's nose.

- Wait a minute. - Yes?

You told me you were gonna take me home now.

Instead, we just happen to bump into the richest person in history.

- A fluke. A wonderful fluke. - Yeah.

A fluke. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

It's highly suspicious.

I think Widgit knows how to navigate the map.

How dare you? I resent that.

For you to imply that... Oh...

Sorry, "knows how to u..."

I'm just used to everyone saying the opposite.

Right, because you're not a navigator.

Yes, that statement's true.

- What? - Could be better.

I'm never gonna save my parents.

Kevin, we have to walk in our purpose. We're bandits. It's what we do.

All right, everyone, synchronize your watches.

Don't have watches.

Yes. That's a good note for us.

Get to a time with watches and steal them.

Mmm.

Let's get that gold.

Oh, I probably got enough watches for everyone.

Right. Find the nearest portal. I can do that.

Find the nearest portal.

Shortcut.

Explain that if I wasn't a great navigator.

Aren't you enjoying yourself, darling of my darlings?

"Let's go on a hajj, Inari.

Oh, it will be fun, Inari.

Just you and me, Inari."

And 60,000 of your mates and your other wives.

I'm dusty. I want a bath.

Okay, and how do we find a bath in the desert. Hmm?

Love of my heart number one.

Number 91.

Number one to me.

Psst. You there. You look big and strong.

Me? You see me?

Of course I can see you.

You're a big, blond man in the desert.

Ah.

- I have a mission for you. - I can't.

I have to steal.

- You have to what? - Oh, nothing.

Come with me.

Hurry up.

Salutations.

You are relieved from your watch, my good friend.

But I've only just started.

No, no, no, no. You've been here for hours, my long-term friend.

We're getting old, aren't we? Forgetting everything.

Oh, I must be because I don't remember who you are.

Who are you?

I'm your friend till the end.

I'm here to take over your shift. Look at the uniform I'm wearing.

No, no, no. Who are you?

Me, I'm...

Me, I'm... Uh...

A camel.

Bittelig isn't giving the signal.

I don't think you'll pull this off.

Oh, yeah?

Just watch me steal in super stealth mode.

Go. Deploy firestorm.

Invisible roll. Oh, oh.

Yes, I got the... Oh, you're not Alto.

Nope.

Okay.

Yes.

Widgit? Where's Widgit?

Say I'm not a navigator? I'm a great navigator.

Fantastic. Probably one of the best. Universe's best.

Where am I?

Penelope!

Bittelig!

Alto! Ke-Kenin. Ke-Kermit.

Kevin.

Judy!

How did I lose 60,000 people?

Is sand the best material for this, Farba?

Yes. Keep digging.

Mansa Musa, we found this group of peculiar people

in the midst of our caravan.

He was found imitating a camel.

- What? - Uh...

This one tried to steal from us.

Are they bandits?

The mansa demands to know if they are bandits.

No. They are not bandits. Look at them.

I... Well, we could be bandits if some of us could follow instructions.

She did try to steal a bag of emergency firelighters.