Lobola Man

Hey, hey, hey, what the hell is going on here?

- What's going on in here? - Dad, plea...

Hey, hey, hey, bloody skinny legs! Come here!

- Dad, please. - You see, you!

- I'm begging you. - What are you asking for?

- You're doing this nonsense in my house? - Dad!

- I don't want to hear it! -

Oh, my God. I'll never do it again.

- - Please, start.

Come on, man.

- - Pop!

Amen.

Hey! Bloody coward! Come back here!

Hey! You coward, come back here!

You're running! Huh, you're running away? I'm gonna catch you, you fool!

Don't ever come back here, I'm telling you! I'll show you who I am!

Okay, fine. Shut up.

Lerato. Lebo?

Lindi?

Lindi...

- Look here, man. - Lethabo.

Lethabo.

That would've been my next guess.

Listen, my boys are coming over.

There are a couple of things we need to do.

So, I can call you an Uber. I don't mind.

You're in my apartment, asshole.

Oh, yeah.

Damn it!

So, you were going to kick me out this early in the morning?

Yeah, but I was going to call you an Uber.

- Black. -

Bye, Ace.

Mbuso is somebody who regularly goes to church.

Yeah.

Thando, on the other hand...

Thando is a bit of lost lamb

with two children, both from two different fathers.

Those little bastards.

I don't want to offend you.

We, the Khoza family, say that Mbuso, he will take care of Thando.

He will lift her up and make her a good wife.

A respectable wife in a home...

... a home that is filled with Christ and prayer.

Hallelujah.

So, we'd like to ask you,

now that you can see it for yourselves,

to give her for a lower price.

Oh, my God.

If I told my sister once, I told her a thousand times

that that girl must learn to close her legs.

- My goodness. - So, what are you saying?

What? What? I told her.

- Hey, Auntie! - Enough.

- Goodness. -

Are you going to take care of our daughter?

Oh, yes. We will take very good care of her.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Anyway.

Ma'am, if you'd be so kind as to lead us in prayer.

Let's pray. If everyone could hold hands.

Father God, the all-powerful and gracious King of kings.

I praise and thank you, my Lord.

I invite you into our home.

We ask that these lobola negotiations may be harmonious, Lord.

Help these kids unite our families in a beautiful way, Lord.

Oh, God, bless these kids. Amen.

Hallelujah.

Hey! Hey! Ace! Ace! Ace!

What's wrong with you? What did I say?

- I told you not to use real names. - Okay, Sbu then.

But you must stay for the celebration.

- You know how these things work. - No, no. There we go again. Huh?

First rule of negotiation for lobola is what?

- Get in, get out. - Yeah. "Get out before it gets messy."

- Exactly. - Okay.

Just like my relationships, my man, it's on, then it's over. Done.

Okay, okay. Here you go. Here. Take it.

Ay, you know.

- Hey. Hey, hey. Listen, listen. - Yes.

I offer my services for refund negotiations.

- You get me? - Yeah.

- You might need them. - Refund? Wh...

Uh, it's just a hunch. That's all.

- You know? Just a hunch. - Okay. Yes.

- And also... - Yes?

...tell your nephew to at least start going to church.

He should find Christ. Go to church.

- Okay, okay. I'll tell him. Travel safe. - Thanks, thanks.

- -

Lobola. A tradition as old as time in our custom.

The groom's family pays the bride's family to thank them for raising their daughter.

Crazy, right?

You know, the hype around the uncles at the gate.

A scam, if you ask me,

but an opportunity nonetheless.

Because sometimes, you just need a guy who knows how to talk the talk

so the price can come down.

And that's where I come in.

Being part of this family,

I can vouch for their spirit of Ubuntu .

You should consider the long-term benefits of these two families coming together.

Gentlemen, I'm talking about land.

These people have land.

All the land.

All of it.

Out of the blue.

We were an angstrom away from getting him to invest.

You see? That's the problem.

- What? - D-boy.

We use programming code all day long.

- And then you're going to add "angstrom". - Sorry.

Thank you, ma'am.

Black people don't talk like that just in general. Full stop.

I just don't get it, man, okay? We have the track record right there.

So finding investors should be as easy as JavaScript.

Okay, I see what you mean.

But maybe we're going about it the wrong way.

Hmm? Think about it. Maybe we should just simplify it.

Make it relatable, and add a plug-in or something.

Sorry, I know you said I need to hold off all your phone calls,

but your girlfriend called...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Fiancée, get it right.

This man that you're looking at is former eligible bachelor,

Lehlohonolo Duke Maseko.

Wow, she proposed?

- No, why would you say that? - I-it's a joke.

- - Is it? Is it really?

What are you trying to say?

Oh, just that, you know, she can be a little bossy.

I guess congratulations are in order.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah? Okay.

- Okay, cool. -

And as always,

it comes down to Themba to put together the bachelors.

You should actually put that on your to-do list.

PA does not stand for Party Arranger. No, sorry.

Oh, look at you, Party Arranger. It's a good one.

Look at you. You're still doing it though.

So, boy, I'm thinking two. Just two.

- No strippers. If word gets out to Zandi... - Oh, no strippers, Themba.

Really?

But we're getting ahead of ourselves, guys.

Zandile's dad is traditional, traditional, okay?

So, we still have to discuss the lobola situation.

So?

So? What do you mean, "so"? You've been to my family functions.

My uncle started burping to the tune of "Sister Bethina" the last time.

- No. - There's literally no family member

that I can get to negotiate without embarrassing me. Literally.

- That's not true. - Yes, it is.

Does, uh, your... your...

He collects cars, your uncle? The rich one. He collects cars.

He's in prison.

Oh, he "collects" collects?

Look, just because her dad's rich, doesn't mean that he's not reasonable.

Thing is, it's not even about money. Okay?

Status means a lot to Zandile's dad and my family doesn't care about that.

It doesn't help that he hates my guts.

- You're being dramatic. - I'm not being dramatic!

The first time I met him he told me that he hates my guts.

Wait, wait.

- Wait a minute, I think I still have it. - What?

I think I just got the answer to your prayers. If I can find it, man.

If it's not some AI tech to help me replace my family then I don't care.

There it is.

I'll do you one better than tech.

A real fake family member.

"Ace Ngubeni, Lobola Negotiator."

"For the right price, you get the right price."

- You see, he thinks it's a joke. - Let me see.

- You think it's funny? - No, bro. This is super legit.

This guy conducted my uncle's Lobola negotiations,

- before they called the whole thing off. - They called it off

because they found out this is a fraudulent lobola guy, right?

No.

His fiancée just caught him cheating with her sister.

I know. Listen, listen.

The main thing is that that's the man that can save you.

That's the guy you're looking for. This guy will help you.

I've seen this man work. He's butter.

Don't tell me you're actually considering it.

- - Boom!

- My boy. -

You know what?

To many more successful negotiations coming my way.

I don't like hearing you speak like this...

- Oh, yeah! - ...'cause you lie for a living.

Boy, I'm going to leave. I said I'm gonna be home half past eight.

Listen, listen, my boy. As my buddy, my best friend.

My ride or die, hey?

One day, when you're dead and gone,

we'll write on your tombstone,

"Here lies Siphiwe. He thought marriage wouldn't kill him.

Look at him now."

- Don't annoy me. Buddy. - No, don't do that.

This is the only alone time I have, bro.

This is the only time I can...