Almost There

Hello.

Hello. So, this is your place.

Yeah. Tell me again why we're not meeting at the garage.

I wanted to see your place.

- Grab my bag. - Yeah. Soph--

Jesus. Oh, my God.

Sophie, you know this event we're going to, this retreat,

- it's one night only. - What's one night?

- I-- - I can't knock if it's open.

Impossible to pack for upstate.

What's upstate?

Nothing's upstate. It's 35 minutes away.

What's 35 minutes away?

You know that we're not talking to you, right?

I didn't realize you were doc's roommate.

- I didn't know you had a roommate. - He's my neighbor.

- Oh, best friend. - How sweet.

Okay. Soph, let's, uh, get going.

Where are we goin'?

Annual psych department retreat.

Every year, the head of the department

invites four of his professors to his estate.

An estate.

Professor Harty's country home is no joke.

He built it with his ex-wife... And then she left him.

And Irvington is totally charming.

Soph, I would rather shove bamboo shards

underneath my thumbnails.

I'd rather not have sex with a goat

but have everyone think I had sex with a goat.

I'd rather slide down a razor blade into a vat of lemon juice.

I'd rather get a blow job from a shark.

I'd rather watch that episode of "the Flintstones"

where they meet the Jetsons on a loop for infinity.

I'd rather have penises lined up my back like a stegosaurus.

I would think you'd be happy to go someplace nice.

- Irvington? - Are you saying my apartment isn't nice?

- No. It's just not what I expected. - Irvington, New York?

Are you making some sort of judgment about my apartment, Soph?

You know I grew up in Dobbs Ferry.

It's nice. I just--

it's so nice, I just thought maybe it's--

it's very nice.

Dobbs Ferry is, like, one town over from Irvington.

- Uh-huh. - Okay.

Let's leave this really nice apartment and get going.

- Where's the car again? - It's Jeremy's car,

and it's in a lot way up town.

- Great rates. - Thank you, Jeremy.

You're driving to Irvington?

I am because someone let his license lapse.

I haven't been home in like two years.

Why not? It's so close. What, family drama?

I don't drive, either.

Or take a train or ride a bus?

Yeah, why don't you go home ever?

I can't. Mother.

"I can't. Mother."

- Doc, you want to get in on this? - No, I don't.

I'm gonna get my bag, and then we're really gonna leave.

So, you're single.

Who-- who-- who's asking?

Men who have bad relationships with their mothers

have bad relationships.

- I love my mother. - What did she do?

Did she take away the nipple too soon?

Did she smother you?

Did she disapprove of a girlfriend?

She sent me to the wolves at boarding school

at the age of 15, so...

How old are you now?

- How old do I look? - You look like a big boy.

We're gonna drop you at home.

No, no, no. I'm cool.

How old is your mother?

What?

What if she dies before you make amends?

We're dropping Carter in Dobbs Ferry.

- No, I-I'm-- - Grab my bag.

- No, I'm not-- - No point in arguing.

She's made up her mind. She's like a pit bull.

Yeah. I'll grab some stuff.

Grab that big, will ya?

Carter, it's got wheels.

Sophie, I think we're completely lost.

Look, it's right down here.

I'm sure we're here.

Does-- this looks kind of familiar,

right?

Turn right.

I did turn right. I did turn right.

Rerouting.

Rerouting? Are you kidding me?

Make a left on Visdale.

What? What? Is she even speaking English?

You're not speaking English.

- Do you want me to do it for you? - No.

This is between me and her.

Rerouting.

What? I'm gonna kill her. Grrr!

Okay. I think we just missed the-- we just missed the--

- Shut up. - Rerouting.

- Sophie. - What?

Rerouting.

She's rerouting you. - Rerouting.

- Take next left. - I hate you, whorebag!

- Turn left. - She's saying make a left.

- Sophie, she's saying make a left. - Turn left.

Left. That was the left. That was the left.

So you know, left does not mean right.

- Rerouting. - I took your fucking turn, bitch!

Hey, look.

We already passed that house like four times.

There's big Ben and parliament.

That's hilarious.

You're gonna take her side,

Mr. I-can't-even-drive- because-i-let-my-license-lapse?

Make a u-turn. Make a u-turn.

- U-turn. U-turn. - At...

- At what? - At what?

- At... - U-turn at what?

Make a u-turn at what?

Oh, no.

I think it's dead. She died.

Finito la commedia.

Can one of you just pull out your phone

and figure out where we are?

You know what? I didn't charge my phone. It's dead.

- Ah! - I don't have a signal.

I am turning off this fucking radio

and pulling over now!

We're gonna be so late to professor Harty's.

Yeah. The later the better.

That means less time there, right?

It's pink.

What's pink?

What's pink?

It's pink. My mother painted it pink.

That house is your house?

It's the one that we drove by 17 times in the last 40 minutes.

Are you kidding me?

It's so pink.

Carter, get out of the car.

Have fun.

Hello?

...Is the ability to play and experiment.

Hi.

Obviously, when you called, I was surprised.

Hello, mother.

Hello, Terrence.

It's Carter. I've been Carter for 20 years.

Carter is your middle name, not your first.

Yes, but everyone calls me Carter.

Not everyone, Terrence.

Uh, the house is-- is pink.

Well, you didn't go color-blind from diabetes,

so I won't worry too much about the weight you put on.

People go color-blind from diabetes?

In terms of preservation,

Queen Anne Rose is historically accurate,

and he hates it.

I see you like to travel in your comfortable clothes.

Go on upstairs and change.

I've laid some things out on your bed.

We have lunch reservations.

Hungry!

Go on, Terrence.

- It's Carter. - Kitty!

- Should I go say hi? - No!

- Soup! - You've had your soup!

Go on, Terrence.

- Get ready. - All right. It's Carter.

I'm glad you're home.

The soup is cold.

Just pretend it's gazpacho.

Carter is not staying. Carter is just visiting.

Terrence!

Shake a leg, Terrence!

See? How nice is this?

Yeah. First ring of hell is a lot prettier than I imagined.

This'll be fun.

Remember fun?

Just try to behave.

Sorry. We hit traffic.

No matter. No matter at all.

- Come on in. - Okay.

And join us.

- Oh. - Hi.

Coop, you remember Case and Lamont.

- And you remember professor Sicherman. - Coop.

- Hey, Larry. How you doing? - Jeff.

- Jeff. - Jeff, right. Sorry.

Welcome to our cozy little club.

Not really sure how I got in this club,