House

How can I help you this beautiful morning?

You got any cases?

Three. Got a teenage African American lung transplant...

Next two days you'll be doing nothing but clinic work.

I just said...

You were lying.

Well, then why'd you ask?

Because if you told the truth

I was only gonna give you one day of clinic duty.

That's dishonest. I refuse to participate in this...

You'll do it. You owe me.

I kept you out of jail. I can put you back.

Perjurer.

Felon.

How can I help you this beautiful morning?

I told the nurse I have a runny nose.

But I don't.

I think I have syphilis or gonorrhea.

I think I have an STD.

I think I have a...

Who is here for a runny nose?

It's a cold! Lt'll get better. Go home.

Those of you who stayed obviously do not have colds.

You will be assigned to a doctor who is not me,

because I am tired of wiping crotches.

House. You're doing this.

It hurts! Sir...

Call security.

Should I get a sedative?

No, I'm good. Thanks.

It hurts! My head hurts!

Need a team here.

I have the sedative. Little late.

Just in time.

What did you give him? A paralytic.

Why would you do that?

Somebody had to stop the screaming.

Then he's still in pain.

Yeah. But quietly.

Paralytic's stopped him breathing.

If he goes hypoxic, he's gonna be quiet forever.

So either I can continue to swab people's privates

or I can figure out if this guy's delirium, pain

and insanely high heart rate are life-threatening

or just a personality quirk.

I think the latter choice is the better for all three of us.

He's sedated.

It took five CCs of haloperidol

to get him down after the paralytic wore off.

So, pain in his right ear, psychotic behavior and dizziness. Go.

Nurses said he was holding his head.

How do you know it was specifically his ear?

Because he was dizzy.

Means the problem was affecting his inner ear.

Nurses said he was running in circles.

Doesn't mean he was dizzy.

He wasn't running in circles.

He was running in oblongs.

Looked like a three-year-old kid drew them.

Acoustic neuroma that started a hemorrhage.

Explains the pain, vertigo, everything.

Get an MRI.

What else?

If it explains everything...

Might not explain everything.

Well, what if he was psychotic first,

then self-mutilated, damaged the ear.

Excellent.

We need a complete psychiatric work up.

Your turn.

I was gonna say what Foreman...

Say something else.

He came to the clinic.

Good.

Decent chance he had a chronic illness first,

especially given the rapid heart rate.

Lingering ear infection, pressure builds up in his inner ear,

bursts through the mastoid bone

while he's waiting in the clinic.

Oh, yes!

Get a head CT. Draw blood cultures.

Run a chem panel and get a complete blood count.

Oh, while you're at it, pour some alcohol into his ear

and take out the cockroach.

He has a cockroach in his ear?

He was scratching that ear

right before the event, so I took a peek.

My guess is it started biting.

Nothing else wrong with him?

Isn't that enough? It's pretty gross.

So why are we doing the tests?

Well, it's either that or I have to keep doing clinic duty.

You can do the tests or just stay out of Cuddy's sight.

I don't really care which.

Why are you here?

Because it's not a hospital.

It's a jogging park.

You're not jogging. You can't jog.

I'm watching jogging.

I sit and I watch and I imagine.

So what do you watch for?

That guy's running in shorts.

He's not running. He's trolling.

You're good at this.

How long are you going to stay here?

Beauty of this place is that it's the last place Cuddy will look.

How can I help you?

The doctors gave me this.

What doctors?

At the other hospital. Last month.

Do you know what this says?

Yes.

"Patient has a six-centimeter mass in the right lung.

"Cancerous. Inoperable."

Do you understand what this means?

Is it okay if I sleep here tonight?

It's cold outside.

What are you doing here?

I thought House had a case.

He doesn't.

You ordered a CT on a patient with a bug in his ear.

How did you know I was here?

I ran into Cameron in the clinic.

"Ran into"?

You ordered pointless tests just to...

Wouldn't have been pointless if you hadn't "run into" Cameron.

She got punished.

She's stuck with another dying patient.

Is that Vicodin?

Breath mint. Thought you were gonna kiss me.

What happened to rehab?

I got out.

It was a scam?

Enough foreplay. Are you going to kiss me or not?

You are going back to the clinic. Or jail.

You perjured yourself to keep me out of jail.

How are you going to tell...

I only did that because I thought you were getting clean.

So it's, "Do clinic duty or go to jail"?

Yes.

Then it'll be, "Finish your paperwork or go to jail."

"Help with fundraising or go to jail."

"Do your job or go to jail."

I think I'd rather go to jail.

You owe me.

Beautiful.

Thank you. It's dry.

Who cares? It's beautiful.

If my lawn were half as well-maintained as that,

pigeons wouldn't have the nerve to poop on it.

Good grooming is important.

Was that a shot?

People do judge you on your appearance.

When you entered, I noted your shirt hadn't been pressed.

You hadn't shaved in quite some time.

I extrapolated you are a person for whom

detail was not a major concern.

I was worried you might apply that same standard in your...

Do you use toenail clippers up there?

They're longer so they allow me

to better reach the upper hairs.

I'm wearing a rumpled shirt and forgot to brush my hair this week.

You've got athlete's foot in your nose.

I'm ready to be judged.

Okay. 50 dollars to any patient

who's willing to leave here right now.

Sounds good to me.

House. You can't...

My money.

I don't care. People do not...

If they'll leave for 50 bucks, they're not all that sick.

Or they're poor and desperate,

which is why this place is here.

If they're that poor, then they'd rather have 50 bucks than...

Can I have the money?

Look. It's monogrammed!

He doesn't need money. Ergo, he's not sick.

And the blood?

Could be anybody's.

Monogram's definitely his.

We need to talk.

Doesn't matter what you say, do or threaten, I will find a way out.

How can we make this more interesting for you?

How can we make the sky green?

How can we make the tall short?

You cannot make the uninteresting interesting.

I'll pay you 10 dollars for every patient

you diagnose without touching.

You pay me 10 dollars for every one you have to touch.

You're making this into a game for me.

From which I can only conclude this isn't a game for you.

No.

Why? You think if I deal with enough people I'll find some humanity?

Yes.

Why do I have to do this myself?

I got a bum leg. Say, "Ah."

Ah.

Feels rough.

Yes. It's a rash. I'm gonna need more than "rough."

Well, it... It's just rough. Can't you feel it?