How To Ruin Christmas: The Wedding

Judging by their faces...

...there's going to be two funerals this Christmas.

Fuck off, you piece of shit!

- -

Inside voice, Tumi. Inside voice.

Hey.

Hey, babe.

Well, here's what's happening.

Lulu wants to go on the Raging Rapids one more time.

-Really, babe? -Yeah, yeah.

You sure she wants to go, and it's not you?

Yeah.

-Why? -Nothing.

Look, just surprise yourself. Do something different. Have fun.

This is fun, right? We're having fun.

I've had enough surprises for one year. I mean, the last one...

Hey, munchkin. Are you having fun? You're having fun, right?

-Y-yes... -Yeah. Yeah.

...came with a 13-year-old.

Dad, I told you Tumi wouldn't want to.

-Oh, no, no, no. It's cool. I'm coming. -Yeah.

He's forcing you as well, huh?

Guys, this is our first December together, let's make the most of it, right?

It's gonna be so much fun. Let's have fun.

Oh my God.

God, I love what you've done with your daughter's hair.

It's just so cute the way you guys sort of mix things up and...

-Can I touch it? -Uh, uh. Hey.

Um. Firstly, she's not mine.

Yeah, apparently condoms never used to be an option in his life.

And also, um, Karen.

Don't be that guy, right? Don't... Don't do that.

My name's Sarah.

Whatever, Karen.

Yes! It's happening, guys.

They accepted the offer. We're gonna be new homeowners.

Swimming pool and four bedrooms! Yeah.

Um, I... I...

I'm not so sure why we need all of that space, you know?

Big enough for the whole family.

More secret children you'd like to share?

-Yeah, but Dad, it's in Pretoria. - She gets it.

Guys, it's gonna be fun. Okay? It's gonna be fun.

It's a house. It's us. We're a family.

Come. Come. Let's bring it in. Bring it in. Bring it in.

Come. Bring it in. Family...

Oh,This is what happily ever after looks like.

Oh, piss off, man!

-Language. - You know what? Let's go.

We still have a braai to get ready for.

Yeah, let's go.

Can someone please lend me shampoo?

Excuse me?

Succulent and I want to bathe and get ready for the braai.

My goodness! In my house?

We wiped our feet before coming in.

My goodness, Shadrack.

Aren't you tired of embarrassing yourself with this animal?

Please let it go.

Valencia will blame us for ruining another Christmas

and Beauty will never forgive us.

Now, please leave my house.

Why are you like this, Dini?

No, it's not you.

- Empty nest syndrome. -Empty?

Big house. Single.

The kids are gone and now she's moody.

Hey, I can hear you!

We know, but let me tell you something...

-Hey. Let's go, Succulent. -

You hear, but you don't listen.

Ah, Shadrack, why is that thing in my kitchen?

But Dini, he's family now.

He is Triple-S. Succulent Shadrack Sello Junior.

-Eh? - Oh...

If Succulent can't go, then I'm not going.

-Give us your keys. -You can't drive.

Grace knows how to drive.

Grace. Oh.

If you had a man, Shadrack wouldn't get to you.

-I have Jesus. -I am not talking about Jesus.

I mean a real man who will grab you by your love handles.

Not prayer.

With Beauty coming back, all my babies will be home for Christmas,

and I am meeting Lulu.

What if the girls have their own things going on?

-Then there's you and Shadrack. -No, we have lives.

Go to Rustenburg and spend time with Moipone and Bokang.

Like I said, my babies are home.

We'll have a nice Christmas together feasting on Succulent.

Speaking of a nice Christmas...

Help me with a nine-inch on lay-by.

What's that got to do with me?

Please, have a heart.

-Your retirement policy has paid out. -The money is for a rainy day.

-Then make it rain, Dini. "Sha-Sha." - Dini!

-What is it, Shadrack? -

Does this shampoo have conditioner? Succulent is sensitive.

Have you been using my tub?

No, why would we do such a thing, guys?

Come on, man.

We always use the shower.

-Shadrack! -Hmm?

You are making me nervous.

Shh. Shh.

Let's go, Succulent. These people have ugly hearts.

- -Whose shower cap is that?

It's mine, sis. It's my shower cap.

You're so precious. So precious.

Thanks for holding her.

-I was bursting. Okay. -Oh, it's okay.

- -Thank you.

Beauty. Beauty.

Okay. Okay...

-Okay. Okay. -

-So, how far along are you? -One more month.

Wouldn't count my chickens.

-Excuse me? -I'm just saying life's unpredictable.

What's to stop this plane from crashing?

Or a crazy person hijacking it and killing us all?

-Okay, Beauty. -Yes.

-Are you good? -Yeah.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-Okay. -

-Hi. -Hi.

Oh, um...

Thank you.

- Baby. Babe. -Huh?

-Beauty. You need to stop doing that. -What?

You know, the thing you do with every mother and damn baby we meet.

You know what I mean. Just tone it down a bit.

-Okay, fine. So, I can't be friendly now? -That friendliness, tone it down a bit...

-Please? -

Ma'am, please, stop scaring off the other passengers.

Okay? Thank you.

-Just shut up. -I didn't say any...

Come here. Come here. Come here. What is this?

Why are these ugly? They are not fresh.

What's going on here? Go.

Yes. Thank you.

-Val, is all this necessary? -Yes.

Hey, take these to the garage and hide them.

These balls, why are they crowded? What's happening here?

I want my balls to hang.

Un-crowd it, this is Christmas. Don't look at me. Work!

Val, I'm just saying...

-Just stop, Vusi. -Listen!

I'm asking if all this is necessary.

This is just a welcome home celebration. It's not the State of the Nation Address.

Who are we? Our surname?

-Twala. - Exactly. Act accordingly.

-We host, Vusi. -Yes, but...

Even if it's the Sellos. We host!

All I'm saying is, you remember I was on the committee

that was grilling the president's men on the inauguration budget. So...

What if the comrades were to come here now? What would they say?

About what?

They will say the minister is messing around.

So what?

Why are you so scared, like you're at the Zondo Commission? Take it easy.

Okay. Good, good, good. carry on.

Chief. No doubles, only singles,

and don't be stingy with the ice.

Won't that water down the drinks, sir?

Well, that's exactly the point. We want people to get home.

"Arrive Alive," is that not so?

I'm on the board. Just do as I say.

Got it, sir.

Just make sure it happens.

Thank you, sir.

Listen, give that back, just hold on to this one.

Okay. Thank you, sir.

Just give me that back.

Come and find me later, and I'll make another plan.

-I need this for something else. -Thank you, sir.

Gosh, these people.

Give me something. Something, anything.

Otherwise, he'll say my baby will die of hunger.

Ow.

- -

- Look, we have matching outfits! -Hello.

Is this going to be an every month thing?

- It's our thing. To match. -

-Oh. -Yeah.

-How's it going? -

Still not enough.

Your jugs aren't producing anything?

Why don't you do what my mother said?

All you have to do is press underneath.

-Themba! -And bounce your breast.

I feel like you're not being receptive to me wanting to help.