Crashing

It kind of sounded like you were getting down and dirty last night.

- Ha ha. - Hey, Pete.

Did you just now arrive or?

- No. - No.

Are you seriously telling me

that you haven't, I don't know, drop your good boy routine long

enough to get into something that's none of my business?

What are you to her that you walk over to me on her behalf?

I'm trying to impress her. I'm a comic.

I'm trying to get into the college market.

NACA changed my life.

I booked like 80 colleges. Who here has a car?

Anybody have a car? You ever treat yourself and get

full service? Gas it up.

Gas it up.

I got six so far and

- I'm working on more. - Six?

Yes.

Thanks for coming, Artie.

Well, listen, man. I... I worry about you, too.

What's going on?

Uh... I'm kind of freaking out.

You are?

About the... You know, the roast.

It's not really my natural habitat to be, uh...

- Funny? I mean, uh... - To be mean.

See, no, but that's good, that's why I wanted

to talk to you. I wanna see if I can...

I'm trying be mean, and I thought I could run some by you.

I can't help you with roast jokes, you know.

I'm a judge on the same show, you know that.

I have a code of ethics, despite what you might think. I really do.

I know, I'm not asking for you to write jokes for me. I just...

Yes, you are, that's what you're asking.

Just a sounding board, just a sounding board.

Honestly, you're gonna be fine. I'm serious.

You just need a little ammo going in.

You're better at this than you think.

You need fat guy stuff, ugly guy stuff,

gay stuff, uh, fat ugly gay stuff.

All the word... I don't wanna call somebody fat,

somebody I don't even know, somebody ugly.

So?

I don't... it's just not... It doesn't feel good.

The only part of a roast that I like

is when you say the nice parts at the end.

- Oh, okay. - Maybe I'll just do that.

I didn't know I was having brunch with Michael Landon.

If this freaks you out so much, why are you even doing it?

Well, Ali's doing it, and I wanted

to show her that I could do it, too.

She... She... She thinks I'm like a fluffy butterfly man...

of course she does.

...that has no spine. She doesn't think I have any grit.

I wanna show... I wanna do good for her.

You have to do this for yourself.

You gotta get at the jugular vein with this.

Honestly, you know what happened to me once?

I was on a dais with Rich Vos,

And he said this about me:

he said, the worst thing about 9-11

was Artie Lange lives in New Jersey.

If I said that, I wouldn't sleep for a week.

If you said that, you might have a development deal.

I don't like being mean.

Battle! Battle! Battle!

Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle!

Uh, you know, Mike Lawrence, you're a really good writer.

I've always loved your writing, especially all

that stuff you do on cardboards at red lights.

Pew, pew!

Sarah is like a good breakfast.

She's got pancake tits, a butter face,

and a limited supply of eggs.

Mike, you, uh,

you have such a beach body.

And by that I mean the body of somebody

that's been murdered, and washes up on the shore.

Sarah's from Georgia. You know, it's been tough for her finding a man.

She just can't seem to find Mr. Alt Right.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Are you nervous?

Uh-huh.

I'm freaking out.

Okay. Just get a drink.

- Yeah, maybe I will. - Yeah.

Uh, who's your first... battler?

Uh, ooh, uh, Damien Lemon.

Ah.

I think he's... Yeah, he's right over there.

He looks, you know... he doesn't look too mean.

Uh, maybe I'll get a Pino Grig.

Feels appropriate.

Whatever's fresh. Chard.

Hey, hey, sorry. They're almost done upstairs. You're next.

- Oh, okay. - Cool, yeah.

How'd it go?

Man, Matteo called me Cedric the Entertainer.

Knocked me right out. Fucking twerp.

I don't look like him.

- No. - I don't think you do.

At least you can relax now.

Relax? You don't want $5,000?

Yeah, of course, but, you know... whew, you know, you're done.

I'm... I'm Pete, we haven't met.

That's Pete.

- Hey, Pete. - I'm Ali's boyfriend.

It's your boyfr... He's straight?

You look like you coach girls' field hockey.

You look like He-Man's flabby brother.

- He-Flab. - Ooh!

Everybody's, uh, still in roast mode.

You look like you're the mascot for soup.

How much food for winter are you storing in your neck?

Girl, fuck me instead, I got a bigger dick than he does.

I'm on fire!

Let me roast you next time. You suck.

All right, I'm gonna get a drink.

You'll do great.

It looks like we found Waldo, you guys, in a ditch.

Yeah, I was lying next to your career.

Woo!

Wow. That was a bloodbath.

Artie, who do you like in this one?

In honor of, uh, everyone in Jersey,

I'm going with the broad.

Sarah. Good job. Sarah.

Beth Stelling?

Sarah, blink twice

if this is actually a hostage situation.

Listen, I... I never side with the victim,

so I'm going with Mike.

Ooh, tied up, Jeff.

Who do you like?

Well, you both had some great jokes,

you both killed.

This is tricky. Sarah's from the South,

but Mike looks like the Confederate general

she named her cat after.

I think Mike squeaked this one out. Congrats, Unabomber.

That's Mike Lawrence!

That brings us to our next challengers.

She's a left-leaning Jew, his dad left when he was two.

It's Black Lives Matter versus Stepford Wives.

Make it loud for Damien Lemon and Ali Reissen!

Battlers, are we ready?

Oh, yeah, I mean, I think this is gonna be a fair battle,

'cause even though I have more experience roasting,

Damien has more experience speaking in front of judges, so...

Hear, hear.

Guilty.

Speaking of judges, this is the closest I've felt like O.J. Simpson,

because I'm about to murder this white bitch

and walk off Scot-free!

Not guilty! Not guilty! Not guilty!

All right, all right. Save that heat.

Who wants to go first?

Ladies first.

Oh, I totally agree. Damien?

- Whoa! Damien, you're up. Let's roast! - Fair enough.

Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast!

Roast! Roast!

- Ali, I'm on MTV. - Mm.

I think you should be, too.

You know? You got the body of a Teen Mom,

you got the face of a Catfish,

and your pussy is Wild 'n Out!

Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n!

That joke was weaker than Damien's credit score.

Now, listen...

It's true, Damien, you book a lot of roles,

even though you're a shitty actor.

Before each take, the director has to yell,

"Affirmative... action!"

Ali, you look like if white privilege had a HR department.

_

Damien, you look like a black ghost

that haunts barber shops.

Ali, your name is beautiful.

You know, your parents named you after the place you were conceived.

Hey, Tony. Pete Holmes.

Uh, we're roasting each other.

Have you done this before?

I'd rather not talk.

Excuse me?

It's just, anything I say could be something

that you use against me.

Oh, no, I... I already wrote my jokes.

They're not even that mean.

Are... Are yours?

Serious. Truce, you know, we can just shoot the breeze.

I... I... I don't...

See? Now I know you say things like "shoot the breeze,"

and that you have really soft hands.

They're sweaty, too.

You had some great jokes, some really great jokes,

super hilarious. You got my vote.

Thank you.