Chad Daniels: Empty Nester

Ladies and gentlemen, Chad Daniels!

Well, hello!

This is crazy.

Hi. Thank you.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, that's very nice.

You keep clapping, I'm gonna bust through my nipple tape.

That was wild. This is fucking crazy, man.

I've lived in Minnesota my whole life and now we're at the capital,

and I'm filming this goldarn thing.

So it's a pretty good deal.

I've lived here my whole life and I've noticed

that Minnesota and New York are the only two places

where you can tell someone you're from there,

and someone will say your accent back to you right away.

You go, "Hi, I'm from Minnesota."

"Oh! Minnesota!"

"Brr, brr."

Or "I'm from New York."

"Hey, New York! I'm walking here!"

You don't get that other places. Like, "Hi, I'm from Cleveland."

"Oh, I'm from Cleveland. I see my kids every other weekend."

Nobody's like, "I'm from Kentucky."

"Y'all, I'm from Kentucky."

"I only quote the Bible when it fits what I'm talking about."

I was in New York one time

and I was trying to cross a crosswalk and I couldn't

'cause there were people in front of me and puddles on both sides of me.

I go to one of the guys and I go, "Can we cross the street?"

He goes, "Can't. There's an orange hand that says we can't cross."

I said, "That's a suggestion. We're adults. So let's figure it out."

- And then from behind me, a woman goes... - "Fucking go."

Like that.

I thought Batman was behind me. That's no kidding.

So without even looking, I go, "You're the captain of our team."

I go, "You gotta come up here."

I heard shuffling, so I turned around and I looked,

and she was on crutches.

Yeah. But she wasn't on underarm crutches.

She was on, like, the grippies with the Wonder Woman bracelets.

She was on those. Like, forever crutches.

You know? She didn't sprain an ankle, her mom drank when she was pregnant.

Okay. I've got some shaking heads and some shaking shoulders.

Whatever, I don't care.

I'll take either one.

We finally get to the front, it's her and I.

I go, "What do you think, Captain?"

She goes, "Assess the situation."

All right. So we got a one-way street going this way.

There's a car coming but it's three blocks away that way.

She goes, "Do you think we can make it?"

And I said, "I think you and I have different answers."

Then she smiled at me, turned sideways,

and took off like a hermit crab across the street.

It is the fastest I've ever seen a human being move in my life.

Like MC Hammer times 10,000.

Just dig-a-dig-a-dig-a all the way across the thing.

The only way it could've been better

is if she had ducked into a hole at the end of it.

"God damn, crab lady."

"You just made somebody's Wednesday."

I don't know if I necessarily want to talk about this next thing,

but I feel like I need to.

I saw a grown man kiss his own sister on the lips.

It's true. At a restaurant. It was with my children.

By the way, I've never kissed them on the lips, I don't think.

Maybe when they were babies. It wasn't to kiss them,

it was more to steal their essence.

You ever feel old around a kid and you're like, "Fucking breathe on me!"?

So we're eating, and a man walks in,

and he goes, "Sister!"

And then from across the restaurant, a woman stands up and goes, "Brother!"

Then they started walking towards each other,

with what now I can confirm was passion.

Then they kissed on the lips.

And my kids and I pushed our meals to the middle of the table.

Because they were raised correctly and we don't eat till we figure shit out.

There is a mystery in this restaurant,

and we must solve it.

I said to my kids, "What do you think is going on?"

My son goes, "I don't know what's going on

but I do know you don't start kissing your sister when you're an adult."

I'm like, "All right. We got some traction to solve this thing. Let's go."

I asked my daughter, "What would you do if your brother kissed you?"

She said, "I'd kill him."

Son said, "Wouldn't have to. Kill myself."

I wanna be clear that I know suicide is not funny

but I was beaming with pride as a father.

And a little confused

that there's Japanese blood in my family lineage.

That's an honorable people.

If Japanese people mess up, they fix it.

It's true. You ever see a Japanese guy kiss his own sister on the lips,

next move is walking right into that forest.

May I ask you a question? Yeah.

- Do you have a brother? - No.

- You don't. Do you? - Yeah.

What would you do if he kissed you on the lips?

That's way too long. That's way too long.

Oh, my God. What are you thinking about?

You're like, "I guess I don't know."

I'm teasing. What do you think you'd do though?

I don't know.

You wouldn't do anything? You'd let him kiss you?

The answer you're looking for, the word, is murder.

I just tried to help you with my daughter's answer.

Wouldn't do anything.

- You have a brother? - I do.

What would you do if he kissed you on the lips?

We have different moms, so...

You have different moms, so...?

If you didn't hear, she said, "We have different moms, so..."

And I'd like to guess the next word. Is it "fuck"?

See? That could have been you.

Got to come to these things ready.

Well, it's just so strange to me, 'cause I have a sister,

and she's one of my favorite people on Earth,

and I've never even kissed her on the cheek.

And I love her to death. I should have, probably.

She's been through some tough shit.

My sister was hooked on meth for 10 years,

and not one day did I think,

"Maybe a kiss on the cheek from her brother will help."

She'd come home and be like, "I'm freaking out."

And I'd be like, hand on shoulder,

full extension, elbow lock,

ass out,

and then be like, "Don't do meth."

And then I just back away full extension.

Never did she come home shaking and her jaw moving all over,

and I was like, "Come here. This will help."

That's insane.

Everyone can relax. That ends the question portion for the front row.

I want to be clear. I don't want you guys like, "What's next?"

I was on an escalator one time and I was going down the escalator,

there was an up escalator next to it.

So those people were coming towards me.

I saw a dad and this little kid on the escalator.

Little boy was about five years old.

And I heard him go, "Daddy, how do they make escalators?"

And the dad said,

"At a factory."

And that was it.

When they got next to me, I looked at the dad,

and go, "Thank you, professor."

What a lazy-ass answer that is.

Your son asked you for information and you gave him zero.

That's like one step away from not really understanding science,

so you just always go, "God made it."

That's a lazy-ass answer.

"Why is the sky blue?" "It's the Lord's favorite color."

"Think about it, the sky is blue. Water is blue."

"White people when they freeze are blue."

"Mama, what's lightning?"

"Well, that's the paparazzi trying to take a picture of Jesus."

They're never gonna get...

"Do you hear the thunder? He's bowling with them angels right now."

Those are lazy answers. And you're not helping anyone.

Your kids are gonna go to school, full Waterboy.

"Well, my mama said..."

That's crazy.

No, I don't have the right to tell you not to use God in your answers.

Of course, I don't know what's going on either.

I would say, if you do it, just do it correctly.

That's all anyone's asking. Right?

"Why is the sky blue?"

"Because God said, 'Let there be light.' And there was."

"And then that light finally reached the Earth's atmosphere,

it started bouncing off gases and particles."

"And the light scattered."

"And the blue waves were the smallest,

so they went the furthest and the fastest and they covered everything."

"And that's why the sky is blue."

"And maybe it's the Lord's favorite color, but for sure that first part."

It just... It seems so easy really, when you think about it.

I am not religious.

I think that kinda bums my mom out because she is.

She says, "How come you're not religious?"

I go, "I think it's 'cause of religion, probably."

I don't know if you've heard about it.

Please don't judge me for that.

I don't judge you for anything you believe or don't believe.

I just can't... I don't have it in me.

I don't have that thing that you have.

And if you're a believer, I'm... I'm jealous.

I wish I had that

because if you're wrong, you're never gonna know.

Dark.

That's a pretty good exit strategy, man.

'Cause if I'm wrong, from what I've read...

...it's gonna be hot.

Gonna want to do some crunches,

'cause I'm headed to forever bikini season.

I'm not going to, of course, make fun of all religions here tonight,

but I would like to quickly, if I could,

talk to you about Catholicism for about 35 minutes.

You can see some people go, "Ha-ha... Argh!"

That's okay. I understand it.

First of all, let me start by saying, when I was younger,