9-1-1

Nobody told me it was gonna be this cold.

It's normal.

The fluids aren't as warm as our bodies, so your core temperature drops.

Nobody mentioned that.

Next time you come in, just ask them to warm up the fluids. It'll help.

Thanks.

Hey.

You seem to know about this stuff.

How long until we feel results?

I'm supposed to be at work in an hour,

and I couldn't even keep water down this morning.

Maybe you should've laid off some of those tequila shots last night.

How'd you know it was tequila?

You got salt stains on the edge of your hoodie,

some irritation around the cuticles on your right hand,

probably from holding too many pieces of lime,

and half a hand stamp left from Hernández y Hernández.

Are you a detective or something?

Or something.

Are you in here a lot?

Once a week for the past three months.

I've pretty much tried every treatment they have to offer.

So, wait, what's wrong with you?

I actually have no idea.

Whoo-hoo. Another public flogging that could've been an email.

VanPelt's not that bad. Just take your lumps and move on.

Shut up. Here he comes.

Morning, folks.

Impressed to see you all made it.

Even more impressed to see that I got my sales sheets on time this month.

Let's begin.

Midwest. Zach.

Customer surveys ticked up a half point,

and you sold two hund

200… single handles.

- Thanks, Ivan. - I'm just reading numbers.

Chet. Your columns are too wide.

There is a proper format, folks.

Sales sheets need to be ti… tight.

- Are you all right? - I'm fine.

Moving on to the west coast, Simone, have you even heard of the Aqueduct 4000?

Chrome, center-set, low flow for the eco-conscious.

And now I see why you're not selling any. Rachel.

Boys and girls, this is a miracle of modern design and engineering.

Mirrored finish, flawlessly wrapped around an industry-leading…

Gooseneck spout.

Ergonomic curled handles

that ensure… a perfect flow… every time.

It's a masterpiece, and this thing should sell itself.

Look, all our clients' budgets are squeezed right now.

Squeezed, huh?

I don't care, you little whiner!

Nobody is being squeezed harder than me, right now!

Ivan?

- What's happening? - Help.

- So what happened? - He was yelling and then he just dropped.

His name's Ivan VanPelt. He's our team lead.

Eddie, get in there.

Ivan, LAFD.

All right, let's get him on this table.

One, two, three.

When he went down, did he hit his head? Did he clutch his chest?

He grabbed his crotch.

Palpate the area.

Uh, Hen? There's something firm down here.

I mean, something that's not him.

All right, let's check it out.

Sir? Mr. VanPelt?

What is that?

That's my chastity belt.

Yeah, some pleasures are best left delayed.

BP's at 160/80. We gotta get this thing off of him.

All right, there's a lock. All we need to do is get the key.

Ivan, do you know where the key is?

Hey, has anybody seen a key?

He swallowed it.

Why did he swallow it?

Because I made him.

- Wait, and you are? - Simone, VP West Coast Sales.

Also his dom.

Mr. VanPelt is my little dirt boy, isn't he?

Yes, ma'am.

Simone, why? He's a jerk to you.

He gets as good as he gives.

Cap, I don't like this swelling.

Too much longer, we risk necrosis and he could lose his…

Extremity.

Do not lose my extremity.

- All right. Buck, grab the grinder. - Yep, on it.

All right, Ivan. Just a little petroleum jelly to protect the skin.

Okay, Buck, whenever you're ready.

Carefully.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, Cap, he keeps moving like this,

I'm gonna cut off his… "VanPelt."

Uh… Simone.

You think you can get him to hold still?

Nobody said you can wriggle, you filthy worm.

You hear me?

Yeah. Yes.

Don't move, grease pig.

If you move one curly little hair on your disgusting little body,

that rusty spigot of yours is gonna get chopped off, like you deserve.

You hear me?

Yeah.

Buck.

- Okay. - All right.

- Almost there. - Okay.

- Got it! - Okay.

Oh!

- Somebody get a blanket over him. - Oh, my God.

Is "little dirt boy" still ringing in everyone's ears?

Something about two perfect weirdos finding each other is…

Inspiring?

Ah, yeah. Makes total sense, especially coming from you.

- Why me? - You obviously relate to the guy.

How so?

Because you are wearing a chastity belt of your own.

Those are tighty-whities, Buck.

I always pegged you for boxer briefs.

It's a chastity belt of your mind.

You haven't even looked at a woman in a year.

- Neither have you. - Definitely not true, also not my point.

The last woman I looked at sent Christopher halfway across the country.

I need to focus on him.

You need to get out of your head.

You mean his tighty-whities.

I'm putting my son first.

By using him as a chastity belt.

Oh, please don't put those two together.

You're punishing yourself, Eddie, and I think some part of you enjoys it.

You know, this metaphor is oddly working.

It's not healthy, okay? People need people.

Too much deprivation and you start to swell up in the wrong places.

So, what? You want me to meet some stranger on an app?

No, we are gonna meet strangers IRL.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry. Do you have plans?

No, you don't.

- Unlock the belt, Eddie. - Fine.

Just stop calling it that.

No promises.

What's Luna?

Whoa.

What are you doing up?

Luna.

It's all over our credit card bill.

I can explain that.

Well, I sure hope so.

I hate to think you're spending thousands of dollars

at some clinic for no good reason.

Well, it's more of a… a wellness center.

Is that where you got these?

You went through my stuff?

Hen, you haven't been yourself in months.

And even when you're here,

you're too tired or too distracted to be present.

And then I find out you've been spending thousands of dollars at some shady clinic?

I was going to Luna for treatment.

Treatment for what?

What are you not telling me?

I've just been having some weird symptoms, and I'm not sure what the cause of it is.

Symptoms like what?

Rashes, muscle aches, migraines,

nausea every now and again, and… and, yes, a lot of fatigue.

- Wha… For how long? - Not long, a couple months.

"A couple months"?

What the hell, Hen?

Why wouldn't you tell me?

I didn't know what it was. I didn't wanna worry you.

Okay. Uh…

What does your doctor say?

- What do they think it is? - It's unclear.

Well, then, maybe it's time for another doctor, or a specialist.

A specialist in what? I haven't figured out what it is.

Every blood test, every scan, it's all coming back inconclusive.

But you have been seeing a doctor, right?

Not just this med spa?

It's not a spa, and the guy who runs it is an actual MD.

Who's charging you thousands of dollars to treat a mysterious illness

he doesn't even know how to name.

No, he just makes recommendations.

Because you're the one who's actually running the show.

I diagnose people every day.

Yeah, and you take them to a hospital to get actual medical treatment.

Have you told Chimney?

I don't see the point in worrying him, or anyone.

He's your best friend, Hen,

and he's your captain.

Maybe that's why you haven't told him.

You're afraid of getting benched.

This is so reckless, Hen.

And it stops now.

- You need to tell Chimney. - No, Karen.

And if you don't, I will.

- Salud. - Cheers, y'all.

Cheers.

Hey. Her.

Mmm, nah.

Her.

I just don't wanna bother her, you know?