House

One small step for man...

One giant waste of your monthly allowance.

Safeties disengaged.

We're go for launch in five, four,

three, two,

one!

That was freakin' awesome!

Whoa.

Aw, jeez. Come on.

My father's gonna kill me!

Can I film that too?

Whoa!

What?

Oh, man...

Is that guy dead?

I think so.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

It's okay, sir.

Get the rest of the flames out!

You--you gonna be okay, mister?

It smells like...

Like licorice.

- sync, corrected by elderman --

Think House is coming in today?

Maybe if we start offering spa treatments.

He already jumped off of a hotel balcony.

Who knows what he'll do next?

Ride some kind of prostitute chariot to work?

First person to offer me an interesting case

gets to ride her--

single or double-team.

My scooter,

which, you know, said out loud,

sounds even more inappropriate.

Seriously? You're bringing them to work now?

23-year-old homeless man brought into the E.R.

with burn injuries and--

Let me guess-- diagnosis was fire.

He said his burning flesh smelled like licorice,

and the E.R. antiseptics

like blueberry muffins.

Cool.

Dysosmia-- could be anything

from an environmental factor to an early sign

of a degenerative brain disease.

Smells like a winner.

Okay, you and Chase go check out the park where they found him.

You two load him up with prednisone,

give him an odor I.D. test.

If he's still mistaking his body odors for candy,

the problem's definitely in his brain.

Also, find out what else he's lying about...

Since I'm assuming "Ferris Bueller"

is not his real name. Why?

Seriously, who is that?

They say he's a righteous dude.

Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika.

She's about to become

a permanent member of team House.

Nice to me meetings you all.

Doing what exactly?

Me.

We're getting married on Friday.

Mount up!

I don't think that two people are supposed--

Living on the edge, baby doll!

How's the arm? Hmm?

It hurts.

Do I have to check out now?

Not until we figure out

why your sense of smell is off.

When was the first time you noticed it?

Maybe a couple months ago.

We also need you to tell us your real name,

so we can review your medical records.

I didn't ask to come here, okay?

I'm not paying for any of this. Don't worry.

I don't think the collection agency

has an office in the park.

I don't have a medical history.

I've always been healthy.

What about those scars

and burn marks?

Lean forward.

My dad...

We didn't exactly get along when I was a kid.

How many times were you hospitalized?

Never.

He was good at it.

Made sure he never did anything

that couldn't be covered up by a sweatshirt.

I'm sorry.

No, don't be.

I'm not. The past is the past.

That's why I don't like talking about it.

You can't ride that thing in here.

Speaking of things,

I'm having one on Friday.

If you want to drop by, we'd love to have you.

No pressure.

You're still standing on it.

So I am.

Perhaps you're not familiar

with New Jersey handicap ordinances.

Or perhaps I am.

They apply to wheelchairs and powered scooters only,

not toys.

Have you any idea how much this toy cost?

I don't care.

For some reason, my leg's been hurting a lot this week.

For some reason, I still don't care.

Fine. I'll return it.

Do I have to walk it out of here?

Stop.

I'll make an exception for your leg.

But next time, check with me first.

Congratulations on your engagement.

I hear a strange voice.

A very soft-looking man.

Must be the Wilson.

I know we said no secrets,

but I think I need to take this alone, honey bunny.

Okay.

Nice to be meeting you.

You're trying to screw with Cuddy.

Yeah, it's the classic "you dumped me,

so I'm gonna get married a week later" ruse.

'Cause not only is she that stupid,

but apparently I'm that stupid.

Then what, you're openly mocking marriage--

trying to prove it means nothing?

It doesn't.

But you proved that yourself years ago.

I'd love to keep guessing,

but I've got people with tumors waiting.

Why do you want us to think that you're getting married?

Only one theory left-- I am.

Dominika needs a green card.

So you're just doing some random stranger a favor?

It's illegal. People go to jail for that--

pay huge fines.

Have you seen me practice medicine?

You know how much it costs to have a live-in maid,

personal assistant, cook, massage therapist, whore?

I do.

She's willing to work four days a week for free.

It's gonna save me about $33,000.

All I have to do is say two stupid words--

"I do."

And if she doesn't see it this way? Iron-clad prenup--

we go our separate ways.

Your stunned look, I take it,

is your way of saying, "brilliant idea, House."

Wow. You look different.

The prednisone has had time to work,

so we need to give you the odor I.D. test now.

Sure.

We need you to tell us what you smell.

Oh...

Something spoiled...

Maybe rotting meat?

It's baby powder.

I kind of like that one.

Peppermint?

It's extremely bad body odor.

Well, you got to admit,

that one's kind of a good deal for me.

My backpack.

Oh, where'd you find it?

In the park, right next to a big pile of questions.

What kind of drugs you shooting up?

Vitamin supplements.

I've been trying to boost my immune system.

All right, test me if you don't believe me.

Ferris tell you his real name yet?

Peter Johnson.

Danny Jennings.

I bought those books used.

All from the same guy?

I'm sorry, you know, I think I should check out now.

And I should--ow!

What's wrong?

Oh, my stomach.

Gastrointestinal bleeding.

Is anyone else disturbed by this?

What?

She offered.

Danny may have lied about his name,

but he was telling the truth about the vials.

Tests confirm they were vitamin "A" and B12.

He also enjoys vitamin "H." The kid's a junkie.

Tox screens were negative for drug use.

His hair wasn't. I had it tested...

'Cause unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny,

homeless, non-mentally ill 20-somethings

without drug problems don't exist.

He was a heavy user

sometime in the last five months.

Wow.

That was incredible.