Chappelle's Home Team - Luenell: Town Business

On Christmas Sunday,

I went to the airport to fly to Vegas to perform.

I got there. Flight was delayed an hour. Then the flight was delayed three hours.

Then the flight was delayed five hours.

Then the flight was canceled,

which canceled my show in Vegas,

where people had bought tickets to see me as Christmas presents, right?

So, because of that shit right there...

...I have decided to dedicate the next 20 minutes of my performance

to the motherfucking airline,

air travel,

people's behavior on the motherfucking airline,

and all that shit.

Town Biz, that's what's up.

Okay.

First... I wanna start from the inside out.

Let's talk about these goddamn seat belts, shall we?

And I just want to say, first of all, American and Delta,

God bless you.

You don't know what them four extra inches mean to a bitch like me.

But I don't know what man

designed these fucking seat belts in the first place.

Why come... What kind of map...

Why... Why this strap this long?

This strap ain't but two goddamn inches long?

You got to be a contortionist to get this motherfucker...

I almost fuckin' threw my back out,

trying to fasten my motherfucking seat belt.

And if you ask for an extension, the bitch act like it's a dope deal.

"Here, take it, take it, take it."

The fuck?

Why don't the motherfucker fasten in the middle?

Don't that make more goddamn sense?

Yes!

Because people are getting fatter in the United States of America,

and they need to govern themselves accordingly.

Amen.

The tray-to-titty ratio.

No. That's not working for me neither.

Big titties are back, and they're here to stay.

I... I just think that the airline need to make some adjustments.

Put some cutouts in the fucking tray or something.

No, that's discrimination. Fuck that.

The announcement that they make when some...

some emergency occurs on the plane,

they say, "In the case of emergency,

a mask is gonna come down."

"Place the mask over your mouth first before you attempt to help anybody else."

You know what? Hey, check this.

Some shit don't need to be said.

Of course I'm gonna put it over my motherfucking mouth first!

The fuck you think this is?

I'm fighting for my motherfucking life

up in these motherfucking clouds, goddamn it!

"I'mma help you out. Let me get situated first."

Mm-hmm.

Then they say,

"Place the mask over your mouth and breathe normally."

We are plunging to the motherfucking ground, bitch!

780 miles an hour!

"Breathe more normally?"

I'm... I'm sparked!

I'm about to start stabbing every motherfucker in this bitch.

"Breathe normally"? The fuck?

Then they say,

"Oxygen is flowing through the mask,

even though the bag may not inflate."

Now, this bitch just think we stupid,

like... she'll tell us any motherfucking thing.

We about to die.

There is nothing you can blow on or in,

not a balloon, not a bag,

not a dick, not nothing

that's not going to, uh, swell and...

That bitch just want us to put the mask over our mouth

to muffle the screams as we're going down.

She don't wanna hear that shit.

"Oh, we're gonna die! Oh fuck!"

She don't wanna hear it.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I want you to know that your air travel is safer than it's ever been before.

"Why, Luenell"?

I'll tell you.

Because I, Luenell,

am up in the motherfucking sky regulating

just like I do on the goddamn ground.

- - That's right.

I am a self-appointed,

unofficial air marshal.

I've been on orange alert since 9/12.

Orange alert.

I see every motherfucking thing moving on the goddamn plane.

First thing I do when I step on the bitch,

I stick my head in that motherfucking cockpit.

Yeah, I wanna see who driving this buggy.

That's right, girl.

"How y'all doing? Y'all get enough sleep?"

"Ain't nobody fighting with the old lady or no shit like that, are you?"

"Okay."

I, uh...

I sit on the aisle.

In case some shit pop off.

I'm not gonna be hemmed up over there by that goddamn window.

Hey, Black people, y'all remember when we used to say "hemmed up"?

"That motherfucker had me hemmed up down to the liquor store."

"I was almost late for work fucking with him."

You know what? I think that I'm gonna bring back

some of that old slang.

No... But, no, because, you know, the young boys I fuck with, they...

they say my mouth is reckless, and...

they say that I have a harsh delivery, and...

they say that I say

"fuck" too much.

And I be trying to tell these little motherfuckers, "Listen."

"Babe, I... I love you. I do."

"And I would love to make love with you."

"I would love for you to make love to me."

"But in full transparency,

uh, I'm really just trying to get fucked real quick before I get on this plane."

"Because in the words of the great prophet Tupac Shakur,

'I only got one night in town, baby doll. Are you down?'"

"'I get around.'"

And there is a plethora of little motherfuckers out there

because, guess what?

Hey!

White people, if you don't know that song,

that's an old Negro spiritual.

Written and performed by the great gospel singer Nate Dogg.

Motherfucker, you can't know every goddamn thing.

Nate, we love you.

So,

being on the plane, there are certain behaviors

that I would like to address.

First of all...

Uh... Oh, wait a minute. Sorry.

You know, these edibles, let me tell you something...

No, don't eat... don't eat the little bear.

That little bitch, the little bear, the gummy bear,

stay away from her. She's the devil.

But wait a minute.

So, uh, back to the...

Okay, so my mouth. My mouth, my mouth, my mouth, my mouth.

So I say "fuck" too much,

so I tried to appease the little young motherfucker, right,

and I said, "Okay, so I won't say 'fuck' so much."

So I wanna bring back... an old phrase that we used to say.

I wanna bring back "do it."

Ooh, that used to be all it took.

Do it!

Remember, brothers, they'd be like, "Ay. Ay."

"Ay."

"Ay."

"Ay. Ay."

"You wanna do it?"

Bitches be like, "Oh yeah."

We'd be on the phone with... We'd be on the phone with our girlfriends,

and we'd be like, "Girl, I think I'mma let him do it to me."

And I know, I know there's some of y'all in here gonna be lucky enough

to go home with some other people in here,

and you might go to sleep.

But in the wee hours of the morning,

my little deep voice gonna come up in your head,

and you might wake your partner up and look at him and say, "Hey, babe, babe,

let's do it!"

- Whoo! -

And you bitches better do it, too,

because that's what the men be talking about if y'all don't wanna do it.

You should do it when they want to do it.

Okay.

So, as an unofficial air marshal...

I do take my job very seriously,

and there are certain behaviors

that need to be addressed, I feel, on the plane.

First of all, I'mma just put it out there.

I don't like you corporate fucks.

You get on the motherfucking plane with your anal ass,

and you go sit maybe next to me by the window,

and you put your seat belt on, maybe, and then you put your tray down.

You put your laptop down.

Motherfucking five-hour flight from Oakland to goddamn New York City,

the whole time, this motherfucker...

The whole motherfucking time!

I sat next to one of these psycho motherfuckers about a week ago,

and I straight up asked him. I said, "Excuse me, are you on meth?"

No, because this motherfucker didn't look out the window.

He didn't drink no water.

He didn't go to the bathroom.

He didn't look at me.

He didn't eat shit.

He didn't put his seat back.

He didn't listen to no music.