Riverdale

One distinct advantage of dating an owner of a movie theater

is getting to see flicks with my pals for free,

which is why every Tuesday night

we would gather to watch whatever latest Atomic Age fright-fest was playing,

little imagining that we would soon be walking

into our very own real-life science-fiction-tinged B-movie.

There, suddenly, was a melting man coming towards us,

looking like a wax statue that had been left out in the sun too long.

At which point the cavalry suddenly arrived.

Sheriff Keller would soon be claiming the man was a vagrant,

suffering from a rare case of... Wait for it... leprosy.

But that didn't jibe with what I overheard Ethel say to Ben Button.

He's wearing the same uniform my dad did when he worked at the maple factory.

Once again, there was something rotten in the town of Riverdale.

And if I was going to get real answers this time,

I'd have to hunt them down myself.

Luckily, I knew for a fact that the town coroner, Dr. Curdle,

was a fan of Pep's horror comics, which were hard to come by now

unless you had an inside connection like me.

Oh, yes. These are quite marvelous, Mr. Jones.

Worthy of a quid pro quo.

Keen-o. So clue me in on what you know about that mysterious melting man.

How did he end up looking that way?

He was suffering from acute radiation poisoning.

Jeepers. Nuclear or atomic?

And where would he get radiation poisoning?

I couldn't say. Unfortunately, I didn't have much time with the body

before Mayor Blossom claimed it and whisked it away.

The melting man, as you call him,

was an employee of the mayor's maple factory,

is my understanding.

That stinks like a rotten fish.

Ethel, are you ready to walk to school?

Betty, are you sure you don't want your mom to drive you and Ethel to school?

Under no circumstances. Ethel, come on. We're gonna be late.

Don't worry, Hal.

One day, it'll be raining cats and dogs,

and she'll finally let me give her a ride.

Mm, no, I won't.

Ethel, Veronica, and I signed up for driver's education at school,

so pretty soon I'll be driving myself wherever I want.

Great news from Coach Parsley over at Camp Evans.

You are in, Reggie.

- No fooling, coach? - In where?

Only the best summer basketball camp for high schoolers in the country.

That's wonderful news. Congratulations, Reggie.

What about you, Bill Shakespeare? What are your plans?

No summer camp for poetry, is there?

There will be plenty for Archie to do in town, Frank.

He can pick up his old job at Pop's or help me down at the dress shop.

Ah.

You hear that? You can work at your mom's dress shop.

I'll bet you wish you didn't quit the team now.

Let's motor, sis. Train's leaving with or without you.

And who, pray tell, was that?

- You enlisting, Dad? - Don't be asinine, the both of you.

That was General Taylor from Washington.

He was delivering unto me, uh...

Well, a gift.

Come into my study.

I want you to see it.

What godforsaken creature is that?

This is Moloch, Cheryl.

An ancient pagan deity

who can only be appeased through child sacrifice.

You should keep Moloch in mind,

should you be inclined to give me any more grief.

Ethel.

I don't mean to open old wounds,

but that melting man outside the Babylonium...

What about him?

You told Ben that he was wearing the same uniform that your father did

at the Blossom maple factory.

I was just wondering what your father did there.

He was a janitor. Why?

Did he ever get sick?

My mom sometimes said that he started drinking

to help deal with the chronic pain he felt in his stomach and his joints.

And also because he was losing his hair.

Golly.

But why are you asking me about this?

I can't say for certain, but the fact that your father

and the melting man,

and Mr. Rayberry, now that I think about it,

all worked at the Blossom maple factory

and all bit the linoleum in, shall we say, bizarre circumstances...

I don't think that's a coincidence.

The Blossoms are hiding something,

and I'm going to find out what, so I can get us, you, me, Mrs. Rayberry...

some closure.

What?

What is it?

Jughead, I appreciate what you're doing, but I'm trying to move on with my life.

I'm applying for my driver's license.

I got my car that I won as Miss Riverdale Teen Queen.

I'm going steady with Ben. Hi.

You're going steady with our Ben? Ben Button?

In any case, I'm trying to put the past where it belongs. Behind me.

Class, finish taking your seats.

Mayor Blossom and Principal Featherhead

asked me to show you this informational film

about what to do in the event of an atomic bomb detonating in Riverdale.

Now we must be ready for a new danger,

the atomic bomb.

You will know when it comes. There is a bright flash.

Brighter than the sun.

If you are not ready, it could hurt you in different ways.

It could knock you down hard or throw you against a tree or a wall.

It is such a big explosion

it can smash in buildings and knock signboards over

and break windows all over town.

Jeepers, that atomic-bomb movie really gave me the zorros.

It should have. That dumb movie was telling us to duck and cover,

as if flying glass is going to be the biggest of our worries.

In truth, most of us wouldn't likely survive an atomic explosion.

What are you playing at, Jug?

Have any of you seen the newsreels from Japan?

If a bomb drops on or near Riverdale,

all of us are vaporized in less than a nanosecond.

Not to mention the radiation we'd all be exposed to

even if we manage to survive the initial detonation.

Well, I know what I'd do if a bomb were heading our way.

I'd sequester myself in The Pembrooke's sub-sub-basement.

It's like a little underground city down there.

You'd be invited, Juggykins.

I would seek shelter in the abandoned Blossom mines.

They've stood strong since before the Revolutionary War.

Isn't it dark and cold down in those mines?

Hmm. Why, yes, Tony, it is.

I would have to find some way to stay cozy and warm.

I'd head to Duck Creek.

We've got a well so deep no bomb or radiation could reach it.

Well, why stop at Duck Creek?

If we hear these sirens, I'm hopping in my hot rod,

I'm grabbing my mom, and I'm heading out West.

There's no way these radiation clouds are going to cross the Rockies.

Out West sounds nice.

Sure does.

You can't outrun an atomic bomb, Archie.

No matter how fast your hot rod is.

Guys, I read somewhere that if you are inside of a refrigerator

when the big one hits, you're safe.

But then you're inside a refrigerator.

Yeah. What would you do about food and water?

I'd be in a refrigerator.

I'm not holing up anywhere.

Come on, guys, we can't let this bomb get us down.

In Nevada, where the U.S. does most of its atomic testing,

people have bomb shelters in case something goes wrong.

That's what it'd take to be truly safe.

A lead-lined underground bunker.

If Russia wanted to bomb us,

wouldn't they target larger cities like Los Angeles or New York?

People who live in the sticks, like us,

we don't actually have to worry about nuclear attacks, do we?

Mm. I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

An atomic bomb could drop anywhere, even here in Riverdale.

It says, "Make rope and wrap around the rope."

Whatever that means.

Say, what are you fellas up to?

Trying to tie a sailor's knot and failing miserably.

A sailor's knot? I can show you how.

Don't you remember your Adventure Scouts training?

The rabbit goes out the hole, around the tree,

back through the hole again. You should get a nice loop.

What are you practicing this for?

You do realize, if the bomb hits,

there's not much a sailor's knot can do for you.

Kevin and I are considering joining the Merchant Marines.

Merchant Marines?

Wow, what is that, part of the Navy or something?

No, it's a civilian job.

They pay you to work on a cargo ship and travel around the world.

Archie, you might be keen on this. A lot of great writers were Merchant Marines.

A lot of beats served too.

Ginsberg and Kerouac both did time on the Seven Seas.

"Adventure awaits you on the open water."

I wouldn't hate getting away from my uncle.

And seeing the world, having adventures? That would enrich my writing.

That sounds super swell to me.

- And I do love tying knots. - There's a recruiter coming tomorrow.

You can ask him questions and hear what he has to say.

Ladies, you are the drivers of tomorrow.

As such, it is important to learn

to be alert, confident, conscientious motor-vehicle operators.

- Stop sign. -

Driving is not a right, as many young men believe.

It is a privilege and a responsibility.

Upcoming left turn.

That's wonderful. Let's bring our cars into "park."

And shake it out.

Very good. Excellent.

Now, your homework for tonight is to rest.

Because tomorrow your true test of skills begins.

We will be getting into a real working automobile...

to practice parallel parking.

That's too bad.

How was school today? Anything interesting happen?

We watched a movie

that taught us what to do if the Russians drop a bomb on us.