Pete Holmes: I Am Not for Everyone

Hello!

- Hello! -

Thank you.

Thank you guys so much.

Minneapolis!

Look at you.

Thank you.

Wonderful. I'm so happy to be here.

Hello, hello, hi.

Happy New Year.

I know what month it is.

I know that's a confusing thing to hear outside of January,

but I love saying "Happy New Year."

I go year-round.

I bring my Happy New Years year-round, 'cause everybody loves it.

Happy New Year.

Just feels good to say.

Doesn't matter where you're from, your religion, your country.

Everybody celebrates it.

It's not like "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas" can go either way, and I hate to offend people.

So this whole last holiday season, I didn't let out one "Merry Christmas."

That's true.

Instead, I said, "May the birth of the one and only true God..."

"...Jesus Christ,

bestow a blessing of grace and peace upon your household...

to the belittlement of every other false religion...

lest you be gay."

That's what I say.

Oh, Minneapolis, thank you for laughing at that in the correct way.

- - Yes. Irony.

I've done that joke in the Deep South. Different vibe.

There's no humor. They're just like, "Fuck yeah!"

"Somebody said it!"

"Lest you be gay!" I'm like, "No, no, no. No, no, no."

I don't like New Years. Anyone else? I won't make fun of you.

- - Yeah.

You know, I could tell by the cologne content of the room

that this wasn't a big New Years crowd.

It's a huge holiday for the cologne community.

I don't care for it.

It's a jacked-up, wraparound-Oakleys, dumb-fuck holiday, and it sucks.

I hate it.

What are we doing out there, cuddled up in the cold, like, "Ten! Nine!"

Just watching the odometer on the truck of the Earth roll over to zero.

You know it's been a year since it was today too, right?

It's been exactly one year since it was today. Nobody's excited.

They're just like, "No, only January 1. That's the only one that excites me."

"Something about one and one next to each other gets me rock hard."

"Yeah!"

And, like, whenever I see us out there being like, "Five! Four!"

I'm like, we deserve everything the shadow government is doing to us.

We deserve all their tricks.

We deserve chem trails, fluoride in the water, rigged elections...

'Cause we're "ten, nine, eight" people.

And they know that.

That's probably why they know they can get away with it.

They're probably up there right now, scheming in their weird castle,

just like, "Do you think we could spy on them using their very own cell phones?"

And then another weird Nosferatu guy is like,

"No, no. That's a bridge too far."

"Even for us, that crosses a line."

Then they turn on the TV on New Years, and we're like, "Three! Two!"

They're like, "We could do it and tell them we're doing it,

and they still won't revolt."

Speaking of which, listen to this. I wanna buy a dildo!

Listen... I... shush. I wanna buy... shush.

I wanna buy a dildo.

I wanna buy a dildo. I have money... shush.

I have money... shush.

And I want to buy a 24-inch jelly... shush... sparkly dildo.

I want to buy one. I have money, and I have cash.

I want to buy a sparkly, 24... shush.

Twenty-four-inch, butt-only jelly dildo.

Listen, I want to buy a dildo. I want to buy one!

I want to buy a dil... shush!

I want to buy a dildo!

Enjoy those Instagram ads, everybody, enjoy them.

- - Yeah.

Yeah!

For the next ten days, you're gonna be scrolling, like, "Jesus Christ."

"Jelly, butt-only... I didn't know they had that."

"I didn't know they told you which orifice to cram it in,

but there it is."

"I'll get one. It's technically Pete Holmes' merch at this point."

It's 'cause our phones are listening. Some of you didn't get it,

and I can't have that.

That will not stand.

I can't have you go home tonight like, "How was the Pete show?"

"Pretty good. Uh..."

"One moment stood out as odd."

It's wonderful to be together again.

I'm not taking this for granted, crammed together tight in a small room.

It's beautiful. You know something I'm never gonna stop doing

that I picked up during the lockdown and I'll never stop doing,

no matter when COVID is a distant memory, I'm always gonna do this?

I'm never gonna stop karate-kicking the crosswalk button.

It's a good move.

This was on the menu, why were we ever doing this?

These are... We eat with these.

That disgusting wet street metal?

These are God's forks.

Why were we ever pushing...

Why were we ever pushing God's forks onto that wet nickel?

It's always got a sheen on it,

'cause you know ten minutes earlier, an unhoused person

was rubbing his foreskin all over it.

Just like, "I'm the mayor."

Just like gettin' a... gettin' a good coat.

Gettin' a good coat!

This is beautiful. You're making a great sound right now.

You're laughing.

But you're also a little confused. I like that.

And I agree with you. That's a confusing joke.

That joke needs to pick a lane.

I'm sensitive enough to say "unhoused."

But I'm still like, "You know they're putting their dick on stuff, right?"

Those precious outdoor angels. I don't know.

"Outdoor angels." I didn't care for that.

I crossed my own line.

You ever hear someone say something you didn't like, and it was you?

I got soft during the lockdown. I knew I was in trouble.

You ever take the top off a pint of ice cream

and just throw the lid away?

Like a fresh pint.

Just like, "This is a single-use item."

"I'm not gonna lie to myself tonight."

"There's been an ice cream avalanche,

and I'm not gonna stop until every cookie dough chunk comes home."

Sometimes I do that. I'll fight through.

There's a third left and I don't even want it,

but I'm like, "It's a rescue mission."

"Some of these guys got kids."

I knew I was in trouble during the lockdown

'cause I went back to eating Cool Ranch Doritos.

That's the right response. It's a perfect chip.

I hadn't had one since junior high, but the mad scientists at Frito-Lay

fuckin' cracked the Da Vinci Code right there.

Only took 'em 100,000 ingredients.

But I forgot, there's a charge to it.

You put a Cool Ranch on your tongue, it's like licking a 9-volt battery.

And there's so many chemicals in it, your brain is confused.

It's like, "Is this sex?" Like, it doesn't know.

I knew things were getting out of control

'cause I was alone on my couch eating a big bag of battery sex chips...

...and I burped,

and when my mouth was open for the burp, I threw in more chips.

Just like a weird fat-guy multitask.

Just like, "While we're at it, let's not let this opportunity pass us by."

Just shoveling more coal into the Titanic.

I don't own a scale. You want to know how I found out I was getting soft?

I shot a video of my wife and daughter kicking a soccer ball at the park.

I shot it on my phone.

And when I played the video for a friend,

we could... BS... We could both hear me breathing.

I wasn't in the video.

But I was like the soundtrack to the video,

'cause the camera was just a little too close to my face,

so I'm like...

I'm like, "Where did I shoot this? Leering in the bushes?"

They're on level ground.

How am I the only one going uphill in this footage?

There was an involuntary lip smack at one point.

Just like... Like I'm in line at a buffet

watching a guy in chefs' whites carve roast beef for me.

And I'm...

Thicker.

Thicker.

We found one of my favorite spots in the routine.

Thicker.

I'd do it all night.

If it would delight you, I'd keep doing it.

Thicker.

Nope! Nope! Nope, nope, nope!

Shush!

I want to buy a dildo! Shush.

Some of my friends got really jacked during the lockdown.

My friend Kumail. You might know Kumail.

- - And honestly, he looks incredible.

I'm proud of him.

But I wouldn't want that body. I couldn't do it.

But even if there was a lever I could push and just have it, I wouldn't do it.

First of all, I don't want anyone looking at me

and knowing what I'm up to all day.

You see someone that ripped, you're like, "You going to the gym, Jim?"