Crashing

I know sex is a casual thing to some people,

but you're the second person

in my entire life I've ever made love to.

You gotta go.

You need to lose yourself to find out who you are.

If you wanna play, you're more than welcome.

Why don't you leave the ring here?

- What's goin' on?

- Bomb scare. What?

I'll grab a cop, I'll explain what happened,

I'll get my ring. I gotta get my ring.

No, no, no. I have LSD in that bag.

Okay, fuck you.

- -

You know what you're learning? Strength. Tons of it.

Can you roll up the window?

- -

Hello.

The, uh, the toilet, it was running all night.

You might want to call a plumber.

That jerk-off Ramirez still doing mug shots?

It was a lady, like Raising Arizona.

- Oh. - She hadn't seen it.

Now there's a surprise.

It's a classic.

My God, man, look at you.

You're eating like Elvis with the lights off. Calm down.

You know, they don't really feed you in the can.

- Ah. The can? - You know.

Yeah, I know, right. You weren't in the can, Pete.

You weren't exactly on Rikers Island.

You were in a holding cell at a police station.

That's like a Radisson with cleaner sheets.

- There were no sheets. - No sheets, right.

It's rough in the joint.

Listen. I appreciate you meeting me,

but, um, I really could use a place to, you know...

- What? - ...use the couch.

- - Artie, it's just, like, a couple days,

just to settle myself, that's what this whole thing was about.

I knew it. I knew it. You see, I'm right about everything.

I told you this. I told you this.

I told you the couch is a one-time sort of thing, all right?

I know, but I spent the night in jail.

I slept on a bench. It was like Shawshank.

Honestly, you know what? Do this.

I got a show tonight at the New School.

It's a thing I got to do. Just come by

and I'll sort you out, all right?

You'll enjoy it, actually.

- This is somethin' up your alley. - Thank you.

All right, so let's just, uh... Hey, sweetie?

Check, right? Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you, dollface. All right.

- Dollface? - Yeah, they love that.

What are you, a Dick Tracy villain?

No. They secretly love that.

- They don't love that. - Yes, they do.

Fuck this place.

- - Thank you.

- Hello. - Hi.

Uh, I think I'm on the guest list,

Holmes? Like Sherlock?

Okay.

Uh, Pete?

All I can think is,

I just want to grab this guy by his tie, over the counter

and just keep repeatedly slamming his head down on the counter.

But you can't do that 'cause you go to jail, but I thought it.

So what you do, is you take that to the stage,

and all you're doing is talking about it.

But the point is, is that everybody has fucked-up thoughts.

All right? I don't care who you are.

You just... you just have fucked-up thoughts,

and all these people who are trying to, like, police comedy

are acting like they don't also have these thoughts.

And the reality is, if you really pay attention

to what you think on a moment-to-moment basis,

like, if all of your thoughts, every

thought that you had just this morning

was broadcast on the Internet,

would any of you have a job on Monday?

Probably not.

But that's an interesting thought,

because I work on daytime TV now. I know.

Everything I say, I have to censor

whatever comes out of my fucking mouth. Oh.

There you go. Let it out, Joy! Let it out!

Look, I'm gonna be honest with you, sometimes I do worry, though,

what the crowds are gonna be like in 10 years,

that we're gonna be performing to, right?

Well, at least that I'm gonna be performing to.

- - Sorry, Artie.

See? That's what I'm talking about, right then, obviously,

- I'm just breaking his balls. - Well...

You can't hear the love underneath it? You know I fucking love you.

I don't want you to die. Jesus Christ.

And if you do, please get cremated,

'cause I don't want to carry that fucking coffin.

Artie, Artie, weigh in on this, come on.

I don't know. I think people are way too uptight now.

You know, that happens a lot on the road... you get the moan.

I don't mind when a girl does it, when a guy does it...

I'm like, turn up the lights.

I got to see what guy just got offended by something...

A 25-year-old guy got offended by something I said,

to the point where he goes...

- What was it? - No matter what it is,

like, I mean, when I was 25,

a comedian could not offend me.

They'd have to be beating my mother with a salami on stage.

You guys, listen, where's the line, you know?

I don't think there is a line. I mean, it's an art form...

Woo! - There you go. One person agreed.

I don't know, I just... Pharmaceutical companies

can just hand out fucking opiates to everybody

like they're handing out fliers to some shitty jam band,

and get everybody hooked on heroin, and nobody has a problem with it?

But you tell a Caitlyn Jenner joke in a fucking strip mall,

and all of a sudden people get offended.

That's a good point. He makes a good point, right?

This is really fun.

This is actually the first, like, sit-down meal, like this,

that I've had since I moved to New York, so thank you.

Moved? Moved is a strong word.

Shouldn't you move into a place before you use the word "move"?

- Right. So let me get this straight.

Your wife fucks another guy and then throws you out of the house,

and you're still in contact with that guy?

- Well, yeah. I... - Pretty accurate.

I know. It's a little weird, but, you know, he's...

- A little? -

He's a hard guy to stay mad at, I guess.

- Oh... - And plus, you know,

I'm not living with him anymore.

- Dude, you lived with the guy? -

Well, yeah...

You should've beat the fucking shit out of him.

Thank you! Finally, somebody understands what I'm talking about.

He's making sense. You should've beat the shit out...

Somewhere there should be a bloody poncho in a pawnshop right now.

I'm eating a very nice steak. Do we

have to ruin it by talking about the guy

that I just spent the night in jail because of?

I mean, think about the situation. You're living with him.

First you share a bed, then you share the same woman.

Now you're gonna share, what, the... some soap and a chore wheel?

I got to smoke.

I don't mean to be crabby. It's just, you know,

it's not my favorite thing to talk about, you can understand.

Look, dude, I'm not trying to, like, pry or anything,

but how did you end up living with your arch-nemesis?

I don't know anybody. I... My wife was...

Please tell me this is like a scam.

Dude, I would be shitting in that guy's bed every fucking night.

How his toothbrush hasn't been up your ass is a mystery.

Please tell me you did that.

- Uh... no. - It'd be good for you.

I'm not a revenge person. I'm a forgive person.

I'm trying to forgive. It not easy, but, you know, with time...

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God, of course. - Forgive and be forgiven.

- What? - You're a Jesus freak.

- A lot of... - You are. Look at your hair.

Your hair wants to introduce me to your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Your fucking part wants to pray for me.

- Can it? - Fuck no!

Oh.

I don't like that Artie's

smoking in the middle of the meal now, that's a bad sign.

They have to go out for a smoke while you're eating.

- Oh, yeah, he's gone. - What do you mean?

Artie's like one of those old country songs?

Dude goes out for a pack of cigarettes and doesn't come back?

That's Artie.

He's coming back. He's just smoking, he said he's smoking.

I'm telling you right now, he's halfway

to Atlantic City. He's not coming back.

I know what you're saying, but he's doing better.

I've been hanging out with him,

he's doing better, he's sober.

Oh, sure, sure. He's a sober person.

What am I thinking? Silly me, right?

No, no. He'll... he'll be back.

Okay.

Shit.

Shit!

Come on.

Fuck.

God.

- He left. - Told you.

It's 10:30, man. It's 10:30 at night. I-I...

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Fuck you, man. Come on.

Really? You don't mind?

Of course I fucking mind. What am I gonna do?