Je te veux moi non plus

Okay, I know what you're thinking.

Who's the babe running around this sublime Paris apartment?

All right, I'll end the suspense. It's me, Nina, 28,

a lawyer at the Paris bar.

Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming!

As usual, I'm in a rush.

I'm off to Biarritz with my darling Benoît,

to stay with Dylan, my best friend.

Which reminds me... I almost forgot my morning chore.

MY DARLING

I've known Dylan since primary school and I adore him.

I call to help him get rid of the chick from the night before.

He's my mate. I love him madly, but it's gross, right?

Get out. - We agree.

Just look at him.

For my part, I wake up each day beside the best of lovers, Ben.

My Ben. Next week, we'll have been together for three years.

He's my rock and I can always count on him.

Where are you? - Still at the office.

Sorry, my beautiful, but I really can't come.

It's crazy here, it's non-stop. - I hate you.

Sorry, my most beautiful. I'm doing my best.

More beautiful than who? - Angelina and Scarlett Johansson.

You can do better. - You're more beautiful than Angelina,

Scarlett and Shakira at the Super Bowl.

Shakira's taking it too far. I believed you till Scarlett.

Anyway, I'm at the station. Gotta go. - Love you.

If you did, you'd say so to my face. Kiss kiss.

Kiss kiss.

I'M DISGUSTED. BEN'S NOT COMING. HE'S ON A BIG CASE.

So what's her name, this big case? - Her name is "your mother"!

You're just winding me up, since you're single, but it won't work.

Not at all, I think Ben's cool. - You still fancy your chances with me?

No, I know I've got no chance.

Off you go. See you later. - See you.

Here you go, girls, the drinks.

Antoine, Sarah, this is for you.

Thanks. - My pleasure.

Hey, buongiorno! So how did it go?

A disaster. Drop it. - Nina saved your neck again, right?

What is this, Candid Camera?

Hello. - Hello. - What do I owe you?

Well, I don't know, it depends. - It does not depend!

That'll be six euros. - Sorry, he's heartless.

Yeah, right... - Here. Enjoy your day.

You too.

If you give drinks to every girl on the beach, we'll go under, man.

I wouldn't mind going under with her. - Yeah, yeah. Come on, back to work.

I DON'T LOVE YOU EITHER

BIARRITZ TRAIN STATION

WAITING FOR MY MOST BEAUTIFUL FRIEND

That I am. - Wait, wait. - Okay, what's up?

Go on, dance for me, show me!

We can finally hug! I don't believe it.

What? - He got tubby, he got tubby!

Wait. Don't move.

And she's grown. - She has grown.

I'm so happy. - Gently, gently...

I'm so happy I don't know what to do. I'll hit you. I have strong fists.

I can't help it. How will he react? He's going to his corner.

Excuse me? Stop. - Nice moustache. He cut off his moustache for me!

I'll bite you. - No! - On the count of three.

Stop it!

I'd love to learn to surf.

I'll teach you this week, if you want. - This week? Let's go now!

Don't you want to drop off your case? - I don't care! You've gotten old.

A family man with herbal tea and a cardigan.

I want to have fun this weekend. Let's go in the water.

And I'm prepared. - You came in that?

It's not so crazy. You not having your trunks is crazy.

He lives by the ocean and didn't bring trunks. - It wasn't planned.

If we didn't plan it, we didn't plan it.

Great! A weekend at an old folks' home! - Like my swimsuit?

Of course I always have my swimsuit on! Ready to jump in the water.

You're unbelievable. Whose is it?

Unbelievable.

Pay attention to me in the water.

Don't worry, I'm a natural, I've been to Miami. See, I'm one with the wave!

Miami? - On a school trip.

See the surfers there? We'll go down there,

and when there's a decent wave I'll give you a push and you go.

Okay. - Simple. - Yep, simple.

Let's do it. - Let's go! - Wait, wait.

Look, I'm running backwards!

Wait, wait, wait.

There, now stand!

Okay, get up, get up!

My bum knocked me over. - Do it again.

Now I'm scared! - That's the surf. Wait.

Up on your knees, there you go.

I did it!

Bravo!

First push and then get up.

Stand up!

Ahead, look ahead!

I did it! - Now for some big waves.

Trust me! Up, up, up, up.

You said in the car you wanted big waves. Well, here you are!

In you go!

Stay down.

I swear I'll kill you. I'll kill you. - You'll fall!

You fell like a ton of bricks! Drink this! - Bastard! That's enough.

I'll get you for this. I swear I'll get you for this.

It's your own fault, you're too small for big waves.

I've got a cramp! - Okay, okay.

Okay?

No, not there.

Don't put it there. That's annoying. - No, no. That's annoying...

No, no. That's annoying. - Your suit is getting water everywhere.

I'm so annoying... - No! You'll get sand everywhere.

Stop, stop, stop. - Oops, oops.

Seriously, that's irritating. - Sorry. Oh, is it everywhere?

It gets in the carpet. - The guy's got a portable vacuum!

Dylan, 30, is in love with his car.

The kids' schooling or a car? Dylan's made his choice.

Mickaël can't do third grade.

No, not on the dashboard. - Oh, great!

Look... - I don't care, you don't scare me. OK, I'll stop, I'll stop.

Jules! - Yeah! - They want to pay.

One beer.

Here, here, ice cubes!

This is on the house.

Jules, they want to pay.

That good?

Okay, everybody, last orders.

Hello, Dylan. - Hi, girls. - What do we owe you?

Let's see. Give me that. That'll do. - Cool.

That way you might come back. - Love to. - Yuck!

Bye, come back soon. Till next time, ciao. - Kiss kiss.

"That way you might come back."

You're not bored then? - No.

I had a nice evening seeing you trying to pull, which was cool.

You haven't seen him making cocktails. Hup, hup, "What can I get you?"

Shut up! That's the job. - Yeah, right.

What's your pick-up technique? - It's three likes.

Go on.

On the Instagram account of a girl I find pretty, I like three photos,

and if she likes one in return, I know I'm in. - No!

Yes. - You're kidding! - It really works.

It works? - Yes. - Okay. I'm trying it now.

I'll find the account of Bradley Cooper. - No, don't.

I'll like three photos.

Bravo, Bradley. I'm going to like this one twice.

And now I'll wait. - You sure will. - All good, guys.

I'm waiting.

Goddamn! - What?

His battery's dead. - Oh, sure.

It'll be the time difference. - Right!

No. - It will! - My technique has limits, that's all.

I'm closing. Let's go. - We're going too, Dylan

Okay, fine, see you tomorrow. Drive carefully. - Sure.

Oh my God! - What? - I don't believe it.

You're a fan of me! You framed the photo.

Well, I like that photo. - Oh, I get it...

When some pain-in-the-ass chick sees it, she thinks I'm your girl and leaves.

No. It's just so the day we get together, you're already here. - Sure!

Okay...

Where do you want to sleep? - What do you mean?

I mean Ben. - We went to school together. What about Ben?

He knows you're sleeping with a model? - You're a pain!

I'll shower, then we'll watch a movie. - Off you go.

Hey, and clear away your bag? - Yeah, yeah.

And so the mess begins.

Where are towels? - Nina, don't touch anything.

Where have you put them? - Nina!

Don't touch, don't touch. Look, here they are.

Here. There are bath towels, then hand towels and facecloths.

Dexter, I got it. Okay... "And here are some balls.

I put them here just in case..." - Yes, yes. - Thank you.

Go on, hop it! Go!

And don't flood the place! - Yeah, yeah, sure.

Pick us a good film! - Yes, yes.

Okay, so "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was so boring.

And long!

Horrible.

You can't compare "The Godfather" to "Silver Linings Playbook".

Sure! You just like anything soppy.

That's rubbish. - Come on, tell me.

What's your favourite style of girl?

Don't have a favourite style. - Yes, you do.

You know... What type? In general.

I don't know.

Petite, brunette, pretty.

Doesn't like sleeping alone. - And looks like Shakira.

Don't push it. - I look like Shakira. Look.

"Es una tortura perderte."

Hi hi! - Hello.

I sleep so well here! - Speak for yourself. - What did I do?

Talk all night. - Nonsense. What did I say?

"Dylan, I love you! I always think about you. I want to move in with you!

In your dreams! - "I love you. You have beautiful hair."

Well, that's kind of true.

Apart from the snoring, it was okay. - Cool.

Sit down, I'll be right back. - Okay.

Wow! Freshly squeezed orange juice, pastries, fruit salad...

Clearly you're used to this. - No, why?

You are, I can tell. - I only have breakfast with you.

Thank you. Thank you, Dylan, thank you!

What do you want to drink? - Tea.

Okay.