Crashing

What do you want?

We can't have an old couples' argument.

You have to pull your weight.

You fucked my wife!

Yes.

But that doesn't help pay the bills.

Believe me, I wish it did.

How did you end up living with your arch nemesis?

He's a hard guy to stay mad at, I guess.

Oh! First you share a bed, then you share the same woman.

Now, you're gonna share, what? Some soap and a chore wheel?

I've seen you before, man.

You did that set about your wife fucking another guy, right?

Yeah, that was me.

I would keep that shit to myself, man.

It's hurting you.

I can see it. I don't hold shit in the way you do.

You keep it bottled up, man.

But seriously, dude, you gotta get outta here.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, yeah.

Leif?

Hey, come on in. Good morning, Peter.

Is it, uh... okay to come in?

Of course. Papaya?

Ah, sure.

Is this how you do it?

Do what?

Sorry to be a snoop, but...

it kind of sounded like you were getting down and dirty last night.

Ah. You dirty dog.

Listening to the sounds that love makes, huh?

I know it's a little bit weird to say, it's not like I tried.

I just... you know, I heard it.

You are... I mean, Herculean.

- Oh. - I... I don't know how else to put it.

I'm more of a three creaks and a pass out kind of guy.

I've never had that sort of Olympic fervor.

Jess?

Hey, Pete.

How are you?

Did you just now arrive, or...?

- No. - No.

That was...

Oh, fuck.

I really don't want to do this again, right now.

- Oh! - You don't have to.

I could hear... I could hear you guys.

I was down there... I was... I was...

Leif and I are friends.

Fuck friends, sex friends, you fuck.

Is that it, fuck buddies?

Jess and I found a very respectful way to use each other.

Are you serious?

We're not even having, like, a real relationship.

It's really... It's purely physical.

Yeah. If anything, it's way better, Peter.

We can give each other what the other needs by just asking.

She can give me her deepest and her darkest without any shame.

It's pretty wonderful, man. Total liberation.

And I'm giving it to her for...

Whether you want to admit it or not,

Leif is a very, very,

very supportive friend.

And he's been supportive of you through everything, and of me.

Like, he has really been there, you know that.

He's just a safe space for me.

He's just a true friend.

Pete, we really wanted to tell you sooner.

I'm sorry that we didn't, like, that... that was wrong.

But are you seriously telling me that you haven't

gotten lonely at all during all of this?

Or like, I don't know, dropped your good-boy routine

long enough to get into something that's... none of my business?

- Well, maybe one or two. - Okay.

- But I... - So that's... that's a good thing.

Okay.

I'll find a way...

I can find a way to...

put this outside my brain.

I can get my mind around this,

if you just give me a little patience.

I think it could be very cool

if we, you know, tried to spend some time together.

I don't know.

Yeah. I'd... I'd like that.

I'd like that, too.

Great live comedy show.

Got a great live show tonight.

What's going on?

So you didn't hear about Porter, did you?

No. Is... Is everything okay?

Did something happen to him?

Porter got HBO.

What...

Whitney Cummings has this new TV showcase,

and she pretty much plucked him to be

the next generation of standup comics.

- What? Are you... Really? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Whitney Cummings?

Whitney Cummings.

- Came... to the... to the Boston? - Right here.

And she booked... She booked Por... Porter, our Porter?

Yep.

Apparently she was wearing a wool beanie.

If I had known she was here, I would've done...

you know, like, a TV, like, an HBO set, but...

- Mmm-hmm. - What the fuck did Porter do?

He goes up, he's full...

- What was she on, bath salts? - I don't know.

Fuck him! Talentless piece of shit.

They book fucking cheese!

He can't even follow me.

How does he expect to follow Whitney Cummings?

He's a gnome!

I'm sorry, but he's not...

Oh, Porter!

Way to go, buddy!

I can't believe it, man. You got signed by 3 Arts?

- Yeah, dude. - Man, that's so awesome.

- Yeah. - They rep everybody. It's crazy.

Might be tough to get them on the phone, by the way.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - I'm so ha... That's amazing.

I mean, all of this, it's happening so fast.

- When did you find out? - About a week ago.

- Wow. - Porter, you've known

for a week and you didn't tell us?

I mean, we were barking two nights ago.

I didn't think you guys would care.

- Come on, we... - Of course we care.

Of course... I feel like I got it.

The way that I feel how good it is that you got it.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Congrats, man. You deserve it.

Thank you. I think you mean it.

I do.

It's just so weird, man.

Is it? It's not that weird. It's definitely not.

I mean, it's kind of what we're here to do.

- It's what we're doing. - Okay.

Did you tell your parents? I mean, that's a happy call to make, right?

Yeah, actually, my dad said,

"Hey, I'm going to come back from wherever I've been

for the last 10 years, and we'll start fishing every Friday."

Classic Porter!

You know, you sure you're ready?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.

I'm sure I'm ready. I'm mean,

Whitney wouldn't have booked me if I wasn't ready.

- Yeah. - All right. Cool.

Um, I don't know...

I'm just saying, I mean, you don't want to jump in this, this too soon.

I see what's fucking happening here. You're jealous.

- No. - No.

- You're jealous of me! - We're not jealous.

I knew this shit was going to happen, but I didn't know

it was going to happen this fast.

Look at this. You can't even

pretend to be happy for me

- for a second. - We can pretend.

No, no, no! I can't take this negativity!

None of you are coming to the taping! None of you!

- Except for Pete. - What?

Because Pete is a good guy, and I trust him,

and I know that he is actually truly happy for me.

- He is? - Are you?

I... you know.

I would be honored to come. That sounds exciting.

- These are good. - Yeah.

Which is good, 'cause if you get food

from a food truck that isn't good,

if you go up to complain, they're like three blocks away.

Your jokes are funnier now that they're not my problem.

That's... that's funny.

I gotta say, uh, this is

a little surprising for me, you know.

Last time I saw you, you were in a baptismal.

Yeah, it didn't really go how I thought it would, but...

I started seeing a therapist.

Oh.

- That's great. - Mmm-hmm.

I think that's, uh... you know, that's normal.

That's, you know, nothing to be ashamed of.

I know that.

I didn't mean it like...

I never figured out a healthy way to express my anger.

I feel like you never did either.

People always think, just because I'm like a cheery person,

that, like, I'm not... Like, I'm hiding something.

Maybe I'm just, like, I am just happy, like, I'm a light person.

- Really? - Yes, you know... Yes!

Like a John Denver.

My therapist thinks it's a good idea

to scream at the subway as it goes by.

You can't yell at the train, that's crazy.

I've been doing it.

You?

You go onto the subway platform and scream and...

- Yeah. - Strangers? Really?

They don't care. There's so much insane stuff