Pazhani (பழனி)

'From a weird reverie of dark revelation,

'Mr Grubb woke up with a strange sensation.

'Slipping out through the crack at the back of the lair,

'trudging out through the muck and the thick misted air,

'where the collie wobblers warbled their sinister call

'and the dingle baggles scurried on jittery claws.

'His ghostly breath mixing in with the fog,

'he plonked himself down on a damp mossy log.

'But then in the sludge, just a few feet away,

'Mr Grubb saw a plant that was quite out of place.

'A single buttercup in a pile of faeces.

'Mr Grubb tore it up into a thousand pieces.'

Fuck's sake.

Here we go.

Morning, hard-working boys! That's what I like to see.

- Brought us a nice brew, Mrs Flower? - Oh, cheeky! What makes you say that?

- Yes, I have, you little sneaks. - Thanks, Mrs Flower. Nice.

- Morning, Deborah. - Gosh, you're like a pack of wolves. - Morning, Deborah.

Oh, morning, Barry.

Oh, Tommy, haven't you got big hands?

You look radiant this morning.

Come on, young Ryan. So handsome.

So she's got you building a wall now.

It doesn't seem necessary to me, personally,

- but what Mrs Beckett wants, Mrs Beckett gets. - Why has she got you to

start it right here, right next to our garden?

We don't make the decisions. We just do as she says.

- Dredge the pond, kill the chickens... - OK, well, nice to see you, boys. Bye-bye!

- Lovely cakes, Mrs Flower. - Oh, filthy!

I'll have to take out a restraining order. See you later.

OW!

Big pile of wood. Oh, blood.

Are you all right, Deborah?

- Way too morose. - 'Yeah, I mean, it's for kids.'

I understand. It is for kids, yes. I'll lighten up chapter one

and maybe the fart pigeons are better

than the collie wobblers, yeah.

- 'How's Shun?' - Shun has been getting on with the illustrations

and, as I say, obviously, I do have a plot. It's just when you

suddenly say, "Can you tell me what it is...?"

- 'I need to see something by next week.' - Next week? Not a problem.

- 'OK.' - OK. - 'Bye.' - Yep, thanks for your help. Bye. - 'Bye.'

- Mr Flowers. - Oh, thank you, Shun.

- You don't have to bow. - Miso soup.

Me so grateful.

Very good. Very powerful.

Yes, idea for comic book.

- Tarantula Woman. - Tarantula Woman. - Mr Gay. - Mr Gay.

And that's... his erection?

Yes, of course. Mr Gay is always have erection.

His weakness, actually. Very sensitive.

Tarantula Woman is try have sex with a lot of gay guy.

Mr Gay protect. "Go away, Tarantula Woman!"

"Have sex with hetero guy! Gay power!"

- Morning! - Mrs Flowers. Ohayou gozaimasu.

Hello, Shun. Yes, exactly.

- Mrs Flowers, your leg! Please. - Oh, don't worry. Can I have a word?

Yeah.

Probably she takes magic potion for make fantastic face. So beautiful.

Thank you, Shun. Don't worry about that.

No problem.

Legs so big, Mrs Flowers. Strong!

Very big leg.

- Thank you. Sorry. Actually, do you mind? - No problem.

- No, do you mind, as in, erm, leaving? - All finished.

I will make food for anniversary. Very delicious, very clever.

- Good luck. See you in a mo. - Thank you. Yes, in a mo, that's right.

- His English is coming on, isn't it? - Yeah.

Let's go. Anniversary party!

It's lovely that you two are such good... friends.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, yes, happy anniversary to you, too!

That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.

Oh, I assume we won't be going ahead with the party

- now that no-one's coming? - Actually, I was thinking,

and it's no big deal, obviously, but there are some people we haven't asked yet.

- The Becketts, for example. - The Becketts are racists.

Or Martin, then. Or that man Bill who used to come round.

Erm, Bill. The postman?

- Yes, he was the postman, wasn't he? You're right. - I think so, yeah.

I just thought we should try to...

I mean, for the twins or for your mother's sake.

My mother thinks that everyone is a plumber called James.

You're saying you'd prefer not to bother?

No, I'm just saying that it might be overall less stressful

if we didn't invite some racists and a postman to our house.

- So you'd prefer not to? - I'm not saying that.

We've done such a good job with the twins, haven't we?

It's a good sign that they still want to live at home, even though they're 25.

- I mean, we're good parents, aren't we? - Yes. Yes, we are.

I for one am very happy with our sexual freedom

that we both have and...

I mean, I'm really making the most of it.

Seriously... phwoar! You know?

We don't want to be too happy. We're not mad.

But, erm... you know, on the other hand,

erm... also you can't have too much of a good thing, by which I mean...

joy.

Do you want me to see

- who else is around who we missed out? - Thank you, Maurice.

And I know we don't usually, but I thought, for a change... Sorry.

- No, thank you. - No, thank you? Yeah, sorry.

- I thought so... - No, don't apologise.

- Yes, thank you for the present. - Oh, I see! Right. - It's very thoughtful.

- Should I? - No, don't bother. Throw it away, it's rubbish. - Ah!

And a free DVD.

I thought you'd find it funny because of his... his tie.

Yeah. Yeah.

I hope you didn't get me anything.

Erm... no. I didn't want to...

Of course I got you something. I got you...

- Oh, Maurice, you didn't have to! - I got you this.

Oh, goodness! For me?

- Yeah. - Did you get Shun to...? - Yeah, I commissioned Shun

to... to do it.

I like how her breasts and his, erm...

Yeah. Erm... I thought you'd... I thought you might enjoy the...

the penis.

Yeah. Wow.

And it just goes to show what an exciting place we're at,

that we can get each other such challenging gifts.

- That's right. - And it shows how open-minded we are about sex... - Art.

That's what I mean, art.

Goodness, that'll be Hugo.

- He's been quite peculiar since the divorce. - Mrs Flowers!

- Trombonist is here. - Yes, thank you, Shun. Coming.

- You not like? - Oh, no, I do like. I love it. And I love you, Shun.

Do I? Yes, why not?

- I love you, obviously. - I make cookie.

- Hello, Hugo. How are we? - I don't want to play trombone, I'm sad.

Oh, dear. Well, let's try some sight-reading, shall we?

- See if we can cheer you up a bit. - Sorry, Deborah. - Oh, no, don't worry.

He's probably just upset about your divorce.

Thanks.

Abigail. Abigail.

Abigail.

Abigail. ABIGAIL!

Hi, Donald.

- What are you doing? - Going for a run.

Cool. Yeah, nice one.

I'm just tweaking the design of a new invention,

then I'm heading into town to buy shit-loads of cheese.

We're having a party later, if you want to come? Parents' anniversary.

Funny coincidence, us bumping into each other here, don't you think?

- That's the third time this week. - What do you think it means?

Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk...

- Oh! Donald! High-five, we are friends! - Get away from me!

You should try making a real coffee. Use my uber-caff.

Eight times the strength of a normal coffee, half the beans.

Mm!

Yeah!

- Gourmet. - Very good, Donald.

- Mr Flowers. - Ah, creamy.

- I'll have one of those in a sec. - You should try my uber-caff, Dad.

Sent the design off a few months ago, just waiting to hear back.

No, thanks, Donald.

I'm just going to have a normal coffee, if that's all right?

Ahh! Hmm. Oh, what's this?

- It's my fromage fumigating fondue machine. - Oh.

Very good. A little bit big for the table. If you could move it.

Why is the tree broken?

Probably Amy climbing up it or something.

"Oh, look at me, I'm in a tree, I'm so weird." Yeah, well, guess what?

You're also fat because the tree's broken!

- Can you check she's had her breakfast? - Why?

- Because sometimes she forgets. - Fucking nepotism.

- That doesn't make sense, Donald. - Well, good. She doesn't make sense.

Bloody hell! Nana!

Morning.

James. How are the pipes?

Fine, thank you.

Is that the dulcet tones of Martin Webster?

It isn't? Oh. Sorry.

Banana.

What are you doing?

- Go away! - What's that? - Nothing. Go away!

Godiva!

It's not going to work this time, I'm afraid. I'm ready for it.

I'll punch it in the beak.

Right, I'm telling Mum and Dad!

It's not appropriate for you to have a medieval...

What the fuck are you doing?! You don't shoot family!

Everyone knows that! This room is a disgrace.

Here, look.

Use my mobile vacuum cleaner. No-one likes a squalid woman.

Just taped a Dustbuster to a toy car.

Yeah, well, it's better than anything you could make!

Why aren't you a millionaire yet, then?

Why haven't you had your exorcism yet, then? Freak!

Nana Grub skulked through the sludge and the dirt,

the solitary witness of Mr Grub's hurt.

She gathered the petals and hid them from sight,

the buttercup fragments of Mr Grub's plight.

So Billy and Bella and dear Mrs Grub

would not know his madness,

but only his love.

- Hey, Nana. - James.

Come on, Hugo.

Let's get out of the toilet and do a few scales before Mummy gets back.

Bad news, I'm afraid. No-one's free.