Abbott Elementary

Oh, hey, Melissa. Hey, Barbara. I'm baaaack.

We're all back, kid. It's a Thursday.

Well, yeah, but I'm back back.

Yeah, but wasn't your first day back last week?

No, it's today.

Welcome back, Janine.

Well, thank you, Mr. Morton.

You know, for someone fresh off maternity leave,

you look great. I did not have a baby.

I was working at the school district.

Sure.

Ava: I have an exciting announcement, Abbott.

Today is the long-anticipated return of one of our faves --

cinnamon buns in the cafeteria.

Cinnamon is da winnah, mon!

Good morning, everyone.

Students: Good morning. Hey, Alex.

I'm happy you're back, Miss Teagues.

Thank you.

Let's get started.

Oh, great job, Esme. Way to carry that one.

We're gonna do great things this year, guys.

It's almost May.

I've officially been back teaching for 45 minutes.

We've already played the States game on the big map,

done a math worksheet,

and one of the students threw up

from eating too many cinnamon buns.

I can't believe I was ever not doing this.

Hello! I missed that knock.

It's good to have you back.

Uh, those are nice. The kids get those for you?

Oh, no. Those are from my friends at the district.

Ah. Oh, um, do you still have those glitter glue sticks

I lent your class back in September?

Yes. Those were for me, not my class. One second.

Okay.

I hid them in a secret compartment.

It was a shoe box.

-Ah. Thank you. -You're welcome.

Mmm. Yum.

I missed this coffee so much.

Really? I think it's bleaching my gums.

Oh, hush!

I got to finish this before book club.

Oh, I have books. Can I join?

No, you cannot join. Admission is closed.

Besides, the first meeting is tonight.

Well, who's in this exclusive book club?

Me, Barb, Ava, Ms. Inez, Mr. Johnson, Mr. Morton.

Morton?!

Barbara: Book club was Ava's idea.

She's become a voracious reader.

And Ms. Inez told her that she might enjoy,

you know, discussing them with others.

And I love literature and community.

Even if she did name it AARB.

Ava And Her Reading Bitches going off tonight in the gym.

This bitch is ready.

I should be that bitch.

Plus, I ordered Danny Wok's and Morton's paying for it.

That's a rotating schedule, right?

Sure. Anyway, I am hype.

It will be a most erudite discussion.

Melissa: Yeah, I flew through it.

Even though it did kind of give arsonists a bad name.

Oh, please. Shh! I'm not done.

You didn't finish your homework?

Proud of you, girl.

Janine: Well, what's the book?

"Parable of the Sower" by Octavia Butler.

Oh, I've read that!

What an intense, sad, introspect--

We do not need this feminist novel mansplained to us.

Well, then why does Morton get to be in the club?

Because he's trying to better understand

the female perspective

while he goes through his trial separation.

So, there.

Yo, yo! Greggo my Eggo.

Tonight I'm getting dinner with this paramedic

I've been seeing, Avi. Okay.

And he's got this super-chill coworker.

He thought, oh, it might be fun

if we made it, like, a double-dateski.

He asked if I had a straight friend,

and I was like, "I've got the best one ever."

You in? Um, you know...

I am getting a little tired of these apps.

Why do you need apps when you've got J-date?

Or, no, sorry.

Yeah, let's do it.

It's probably time to shake it up.

My last date kept using

the wrong spelling of "there" in every single text.

You'd think she'd get it right even by accident.

Uh, anyway, I'll see you T-H-E-R-E.

Heck, yeah! Oh.

You okay? Sorry, Quinn.

-Very good. -I did.

All rise!

Or don't.

This book club is now in session.

Since this is my first nerd hang,

Roz, what do we do?

Well, we can start with everyone saying

whether they liked the book.

I loved it.

It was so refreshing to have a protagonist

that actually put her faith first in decisions.

Yeah, and I love novels about societal collapse.

A world without laws?

Don't threaten me with a good time.

Well, I think we can all agree

that some of the feminist rhetoric was a bit over the top.

Well, actually, couple's counseling

is going pretty poorly. Why?

Okay, back on topic.

Uh, let's imagine in a post-apocalyptic society

like this one, what skills would you bring to the table?

For instance, if pushed,

I could strangle someone to death with my bare hands.

Pfft. Well, I have a family history

of doing what needs to be done.

I can fish and throw a plunger 60 yards if it comes to that.

My strength is my faith and my voice...

Amen.

I'm funny, and I know science.

You are not funny,

and you know the periodic table and plate tectonics,

not how to filter water.

Honestly, I'm pretty shaky on plate tectonics.

Mm.

Uh, what about you, Ava?

I'd be leader, of course.

You wouldn't be my leader.

Why not? I've been prepping

for environmental catastrophe since I was 10 years old.

I have a year's worth of fresh water hidden

in this very...

in a building that I know someplace.

Mm. Well, thank you very much, Ava,

but I think that my faith-based governance would thrive

in the end times.

Yeah, right.

Barb, you know I love you. Um...

Just that you're a spiritual woman,

and there are a couple of stone tablets

that might get in the way

of the tough decisions

that you have to make in the apocalypse.

So I think I better go it alone.

Well -- Can you dig a hole?

Can you dig two holes?

Yeah, Barb. How many holes can you dig?

Blood was spraying everywhere. I was literally soaked.

That is disgusting.

It was totally disgusting.

And so I-I applied the tourniquet and, um...

And he looks up, and he says, "Did I look cool?"

And those were the last words he ever said.

I know.

No, I'm just kidding. I was just kidding. Are you serious?

Yeah, no, he was fine, yeah. I-I really believed you right there for a second.

We brought him to the ER. He was fine.

Probably. We don't usually do follow-ups.

Okay. What is the most blood that you have ever seen?

Trust me, I can handle it.

"Gory" is literally in my name.

Okay, you're weird, which is perfect

'cause so is Olivia.

So, we are looking at like a 45-minute wait.

Gregory, keep your ringer on.

I gave your number to the restaurant.

Oh, should we get a drink here while we wait?

They have darts.

Oh, Jacob's banned from the darts here, speaking of blood.

Oh. How am I supposed to get better

if they won't let me practice?

Gregory: It's just a liability.

This place is packed.

Does anyone see a max-occupancy sign?

Avi.

You're right. We're off the clock.

I'll grab the first round.

Is that Janine?

Jacob: Oh, my Godot, it is.

She looks amazing.

Is she on a date?

With Manny?

And now, Janine is back working at Abbott.

Avi, you remember Janine.

She punted the CPR dummy.

Exactly. Let's go say hi.

No, no, no, no. I don't think we should.

Um, no one wants to be on a date around their coworkers.

Well, Avi and I coworkers and we're on dates.

Same for you and Jacob.

Yeah, and I-I'm not so sure that it's a date.

Janine would have told me.