The Umbrella Academy

Oh no. Oh no.

Oh, teppanyaki.

Shit.

Luther. What's the matter with you?

Sorry, I'm... I'm going.

I told you, no drugs unless you're buying from me.

No, no. I just had... had a family reunion last night.

-Shut up and get on stage. -Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the astronaut with the biggest rocket in his pocket.

Put your hands together for Spaceboy!

- -

Yeah!

I'm back!

Sy Grossman?

He checks out. He's a legit taxpayer.

I'll be damned.

What the...

You feeling okay, Mr. Five?

No. I don't think I am.

Tell boss I'm taking a sick day.

Since when does the old guy have moves?

No! No! No! No! No! No!

You son of a bitch!

No!

Someone explain what the hell is going on here quick.

Well, Viktor, that's what we're all trying to figure out.

Oh God, don't look at me.

No one's blaming you, Luther.

No! I mean, don't look at me! I'm hideous.

At least you're back to your old self.

The rest of us feel like someone injected motor oil in our veins.

It's so strange. Because I, for once, feel fantastic.

Yeah? Well, you think you got problems?

-Look at this. -Oh wait. No!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Not inside!

What?

What the hell?

-I'm sorry. -Whoa!

Whoa!

Turn it off!

I don't know how!

- -

There.

Oh, sorry about that.

- Be careful. - How do you do that?

A gun to my head, I couldn't tell you.

Oh, come on! It took me months to find these original sconces!

I don't give a shit about your sconces.

I want answers now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Breathe.

Viktor, easy.

Relax, Kodiak Jack.

It was me.

I know you're all too terminally emo to do what had to be done,

so I made an executive decision and spiked your sake with the marigold.

Why am I not surprised?

You had no right to do that, asshole!

Oh, trust me, you'll thank me later.

Yeah, or I'll kick your ass right now.

Oh yeah. Now, that I would love to see.

-Ugh! -

What is with the tails?

I don't know. They won't go back in!

Oh! God. Why is it cold?

The real question is, why would you touch it?

Forget about my tails, all right?

I haven't felt this good in years. Maybe you guys need to take some more.

Okay, you know what? Give me that.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

Klaus, why aren't you sick?

Here's to the non-existent Umbrella Academy.

Kanpai!

Kanpai!

Well, because one sake bomb is too many,

and a thousand is just never enough.

You didn't drink.

- No. - Do you realize what you've done?

-Hey. All right! -Hey, get off!

Dude! I live here!

The fact is you're all too busy living in loser mindset

to realize we're much better off this way.

That wasn't your decision to make.

Give me one good reason why we shouldn't have our powers back.

I don't know. Maybe because we ended the world three times.

We also saved it three times.

Well, that part's highly debatable, Diego.

Forget about saving the world.

I just spent five years building a life for myself.

A real life.

Away from all this, away from Dad, away from our past.

And you had to go and fuck it all up with one sake bomb!

Look. I was trying to help.

No, no, no. Viktor's right. None of us asked for this.

I could have lost my job.

-Did you? -Wha...

Well, actually, no.

My boss bumped me up from brunch buffet to prime time.

And I have been booked in Atlantic City next weekend. But still!

Come on, Allison.

You can't tell me you're not a little bit glad

to have your powers back after all these years?

Why would I be, Benjamin? Why would I want my powers back?

Maybe you can rumor your way out of those corny-ass laundry commercials you do

and finally get off the B-list.

The...

The B-list? Excuse me.

I... I am the face of a national campaign,

something that I made happen out of nothing

while you were too busy playing backgammon with Bernie Madoff.

Tell him, sister.

Wow.

All right, all right, Klaus. Come on, Klaus.

My brother, it's not too late for you to get in on this action.

-I told you. It's not gonna happen. -Why not?

Maybe with your powers back,

you won't have to keep living life like a human sippy cup.

Huh?

It's a slippery slope. All right?

Into what?

Powers, ghosts, drugs, sex, oblivion.

It's one big spicy gumbo of bad, and I'm not going back to that old Klaus.

I like this Klaus. "Hey, he collects coupons."

"He's frugal, respectable, reliable."

"And most importantly, he's a Klaus that Claire likes."

-And trusts and looks up to. -

Guys, Ben doesn't look so hot.

- -

Come on.

It's okay. I just need to lie down.

- Get him on this. Lay him down. -

Whoa! What do we do? Call 911?

No, no, no, no!

No cops!

All right. We need to go back to the dry cleaners

and get more information.

Agreed. I'll drive.

Let's roll, mofos.

Let's get him out of here, quick.

Watch the tentacles.

The state of the place.

Hey.

-You okay? -

No, not really.

Yeah, I know.

Come on. Let's go figure this out together.

You wanna get changed first?

Right.

Just... Just let me do...

Well, looks like Sy flew the coop.

Or somebody got to him.

He did say he was in danger.

Look at this. New Grumpson, Maine.

- The hell's in New Grumpson? - Maybe Sy's daughter, Jennifer.

Or maybe that's where our dry cleaner scampered off to.

Or maybe this is all one big setup.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Hell yeah.

Road trip.

Really? Are we really doing this?

Hell yeah, we're doing this.

You do realize we have three small children, yeah?

Lila.

Look, hey. Today's Wednesday, okay?

The twins have garden club, and Grace has gymnastics, okay?

Uncle Lenny can pick 'em up, okay?

Yes. But wait, that's not the point.

That is the point.

Look, I spend all day every day with your family, all right?

And I never ever complain, all right?

You complain all the time.

Okay, okay. Well, look, this is... my family.

I only have one spare pair of underwear.

-You'll be fine. - It might not be enough.

All right? And I want you to come with me.

Uncle Lenny, huh?