Corporate

_

Oh, Matt, that banana has brown spots on it.

What? Oh.

Ew.

Who do you think designs these coffee cups?

A failed art student in a massive amount of college debt.

Feel like I never use my communications degree.

I mean, I guess I'm talking right now.

So that's something.

I majored in English, and that should be illegal.

Hey, guys.

Want to see the latest nightmare I've been living?

I'd love to.

This is HD-Whistle.

It's an anonymous whistle blowing app developed by HR.

If you see someone doing something bad,

you find the appropriate category, like embezzlement,

and click "whistle."

And then an upsetting amount of paperwork

magically appears on my desk.

Why does it have to make that sound?

I don't know.

It reminds me of walking by a construction site,

or any other place men are.

Last night I had a dream.

Christian was giving me a performance review.

And at the end, he fired me.

You're fired.

Then crushed my skull with his bare hands.

I was terrified.

But honored to be killed by someone I respect so much.

Yeah. Christian can be a little intimidating.

Talking to him is like...

talking to a gun with an Ivy League education.

Clean as a whistle.

Christian is approaching at a tremendous velocity.

Oh, no. He's probably in a bad mood.

John?

Kate, call everyone into the conference room.

I've got great news.

There's going to be a war.

Oh. It's a war.

What a relief.

The CIA is backing a military coup

to overthrow the Bolivian president.

And we have the chance to pitch ourselves

as the exclusive weapons supplier.

Hampton DeVille has never landed a full-scale war before...

well, unless you count the Falkland Islands.

But who does?

Wow. 10:00 a.m. Monday morning and there's already a war.

I was really hoping to ease into this week.

Wars are good. They create jobs,

prevent overpopulation, and benefit the rich and powerful,

which I plan to be one day.

Did you just report somebody?

That guy took his shoes off in a meeting.

Who does that?

Why would you get someone in trouble for that?

- That guy is a racist. - He is?

I mean, he's a white guy over the age of 50, so probably.

Do you think we'll be racist when we're 50?

Of course.

Wow. That's a tough one to swallow.

I'm still haunted by the Iraq war.

Stockheed Barton stole that contract

right out from underneath us.

And for 15 years, I've had to watch the Middle East

be destabilized by another man's bombs.

But this is our chance for redemption.

Now I've already written a proposal.

All I need is for someone to turn it into a PowerPoint.

I'm actually really good at PowerPoints.

Here's my impression of a lost person.

"I'm actually really good at PowerPoint."

You're damaging my self-esteem.

- Good. - Which one of you

will rise to the challenge?

- What are you doing? - You don't get it.

In high school, I was the PowerPoint guy.

Everyone would look forward to my PowerPoints.

Anybody?

Oh, come on, people.

Are you PowerPoint proficient?

I'm more than proficient.

I listed it as a special skill on my resume

right next to Microsoft Word and clarinet.

Okay.

I'm putting my trust in you.

Don't let me down.

Yes, sir.

I am going to crush this PowerPoint.

In 11th grade, I did a PowerPoint

about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory that was so good

a girl gave me my first real hand job.

Look, Karen's picking her nose.

Big mistake, Karen.

This app is amazing.

I spent so much time at this company

trying to build myself up, when all along,

I should've just been tearing other people down.

Matt, it was so brave of you to volunteer in there.

Like a Kamikaze pilot that wasn't asked to fly.

Everything you need is on this.

Oh, and Matt, please stop

throwing away bananas in the break room.

Wait a second. What am I doing?

This is terrible.

Perfect.

Whoa. Watch where you're going, Levinson.

Sorry, Baron.

At a certain point, I realized

I wasn't making conscious decisions.

The font choices were just flowing out of me,

and, uh, I wasn't even controlling it.

Matt, we've been looking for you.

We just reviewed your PowerPoint.

Okay, keep in mind it was a first draft,

and I'm open to any changes.

We loved it.

Your PowerPoint is art.

Your decision to use bullets as bullet points...

Genius.

Oh, I'm so glad.

I mean, it felt right, you know? But you never know.

We're going to lunch with Christian and we want you

to be there to present your work.

Oh, yeah, I-I love lunch, so that totally works on my end.

And Jake, you need to go to HR.

Somebody reported you for abusing the HD-Whistle app.

You can't report us for telling you that.

You just told them you love lunch.

I do love lunch.

Yes, I'll have the lobster roulade

and a bottle of Chateau Montrose for the table.

And for you, sir?

I'll have the...

- Sheep labia? - Excellent choice.

- You're gonna love that. - It tastes just like chicken.

Except it's the genitals of another animal.

So...

Let's see this PowerPoint everyone is raving about.

Who blew the whistle on me, Grace?

Who's the rat? Tell me.

Tell me! Tell me.

Telling you would violate my oath as an administrator

of Human Resources, and I would never do that

For less than $20.

There. Now who was it?

- It was me. - Grace, why?

Because you're creating a ton of work for me.

You blew the whistle on 23 people yesterday.

Well, I'm sorry for exposing the truth like Edward Snowden.

Please. You're nothing like Edward Snowden.

You lack his bravery, his integrity,

his raw sexuality.

- God, he's so hot. - God, he's so hot.

- I just wanna lick his glasses. - Wanna hack into his mainframe.

I just wanna spoon him in the cold, Russian night.

Anyway, this company does reprehensible things every day.

If you actually care,

find a real problem to blow the whistle on.

Okay but what if I don't actually care?

As you can see,

Hampton DeVille blows the competition away.

And star wipe... The end.

God damn it. Now that...

is a PowerPoint.

Thank you.

You know, I promised myself I would crush this,

- and I did. - And the bullet bullet points,

brilliant. Um...

I'm sorry, remind me. What's your name again?

Oh, shit. Here comes Stockheed.

Christian, so nice to see you.

Been a long time, Arthur. Surprised you're still alive.

Surprised you can afford to eat here.

What do you have there?

Oh, this is the sheep labia.

It's nothing. Just a little PowerPoint.

Ah, top secret.

I wonder if it's for the CIA.

You know, you're not the only company

to pitch the Bolivia contract.

You may have won Iraq,

but your prices are as bloated as your prostate.

You won't win Bolivia.

The CIA will never deal with Hampton DeVille.

Your products are not tested on the battlefield.

Nice font, kid.

- Oh, thanks, I... - Not.

Not... Not... Not...

Think I'll leave you to your sheep labia.

This font is all wrong.

This whole PowerPoint is a mess. God damn it.

As you can see,

Hampton DeVille blows the competition away.

And star wipe... The end.