Jerk

Another tap water?

Oh, no, thank you.

Yeah, mate. No, it's a Tinder date.

Ah, well, she's a six out of ten, but a shag's a shag!

I'm going for a piss. I'll call you back.

In Hell I'll Be In Good Company by The Dead South

Actually, sorry, could I get a glass of water?

Sure.

There you go.

Hi! How's my baby boy doing? Hey, Mom, I'm fine.

Are you still in bed? Kind of.

You know how proud I am

that you're standing on your own two feet in London.

So fucking stand on them, goddamn it!

It's ten o'clock in the morning! Mom, there's a time difference.

Oh, yeah.

No, it's the other way around. It's three o'clock in the afternoon!

Stop being an asshole and get up.

Listen, I want it to work out for you over there.

You don't want to come back.

I mean, you'll just spend your time

sitting out on the porch in a rocking chair.

Every chair's a rocking chair when I sit in it.

Exactly!

And you don't want to grow old and lonely doing that. Oh, Mom.

I don't think you need to worry about me growing old.

You want me to get the casket ready?

Did you get a job yet?

You know it's hard for me to get a job.

Baby, as the world's leading internet expert on cerebral palsy,

I can tell you categorically

that being a pussy is not a symptom.

Oh, shit, Mom, I've gotta go. My carer's here.

All right.

I love you, Mom. I love you, too. Bye, sweetie.

Hey, Ruth!

This place is a mess.

Have you eaten today?

No, no, no.

Thank fuck for that. Right, when you're making it,

I'll have a cheese sandwich.

Thanks, Tim.

I mean, I have just walked all the way from the Tube.

Oh.

You must be exhausted.

Do you know, I am a bit.

Tim. Eh?

Have you not renewed your visa yet?

Hey, it'll be fine. No, it won't.

Don't you read the papers? We hate immigrants in this country.

I'm American. You love Americans.

We're like you, but with sex appeal.

Look, it says that you've got to get a job.

That bit's double underlined.

I'm an artist.

My life is my job.

Everything I create is art.

Well, your art looks disgusting.

You're just scared to get a job cos you'll be crap at it.

Well, maybe.

Look, it's easy. I've got a job.

Barely!

What exactly do you do?

I'm a carer.

I care.

I went on a two-day course.

They gave me a certificate.

Look, just try and stay.

You're one of the least depressing ones that I look after.

And...

And... and you what?

You like me!

You're friends with me!

God, you're so emotionally retarded.

Tim!

You know that we never use that word.

I'm sorry.

You're not emotional.

Thank you.

What's your name, sorry?

Right.

Here's the dealio.

I need a job

or they're going to kick me out of this country

all the way back home.

So back home to...?

America. Can't you tell by my accent?

Ha! Um...

Oh, you thought I was from Cerebral Palsy-onia!

Yes... No!

No, no. God... Oh, God, no. No. I'll be straight with you, Tim.

The only bit of "disability" that I care about is "ability".

Jesus. I think we're all very different, aren't we?

And very different in different ways.

I, for example suffer, from anosmia,

which means I have a very limited sense of smell.

Uh, that's really not a disability.

Thank you, Tim. That means a lot.

Right, let's get cracking. What sort of work are you interested in?

Airforce stunt pilot.

You probably need a bit of experience to be a stunt pilot.

I do have experience!

How do you think I got like this?

From....

Well, let's try a different tack.

What sort of skills do you have, Tim?

I can dance. You...

Yeah, I can dance.

Are you...? Should you...?

OK... everything OK, or...?

Whoa! If we can...

..sort that... if you'd like to just...

Put that down. Put it down. OK.

"Boy can dance!" Great. Great.

I will. "His moves are fire!"

Just spotted this.

Actually, a greetings card company

are looking for a young, enthusiastic, entry-level applicant

to work in all aspects of their editorial slash art department.

That could be an alternative, if you...

It does also say they're looking for candidates from a diverse

range of backgrounds, so, you know, you get your visa

and I'll have helped make your future your today.

Check Yourself by Ice Cube

yourself before you wreck yourself

before you wreck yo self

I come real stealth

Kill car alarms

I'm that brother wit' the Alpine

Always let tricks know

I'll cut ya

You say you can't touch this

Punk you a sucka

But don't call me Dough Boy

motion picture

My homie get wit'cha

Tim. Um... Hey, I'm Shaun. I'm...

..chief lunatic at Anarchy Hamster.

It didn't actually say on your CV that you're...

..about the... you know, that you've got a different ability to, um...

..work... which is cool, because we're always looking for sort of

a new perspective, new voice, untapped edge at AH HQ,

that's Anarchy Hamster HQ. Jesus.

You've got a degree in illustrative graphics and design.

What do you... what do you make of our products? Oh, OK.

So, uh, did you just do that? Is that your work? Yeah.

The baby's done a massive shit everywhere. Yeah!

It certainly has, hasn't it? That's fresh...

And what's the red?

Yeah, there's blood in the stool, Shaun.

It's not a good time.

It's...

OK. Um...

What else have you done here?

Oh, your mom. I did your mom.

Call Me by Blondie

Tim, Idris here, at Leg Up recruitment.

Look, I don't know what you said at that meeting, but

you've got the bloody job, mate!

I could kiss your face.

Call me back.

Tim, Idris again.

Not sure if you picked up my earlier message, but

they want you to start tomorrow, so do give me a call back, please.

Tim, it's Idris again.

I really need you to get back to me about this job, mate.

You start tomorrow at 9 a.m.

So you don't want to blow it, do you?

Think of the visa. Can you give me a call back? Please?

So, actually, I heard your mum was so fat

that she could sell shade in summer!

Have you been looking these up on the internet?

Yeah... yeah.

And if she sat on a dime, it would turn into nickels!

It's an American site.

You can't really change it from 10p's to 5p's.

It's the wrong rhythm.

I'm going to put you here, OK?

This is... this is Anne, she's a deputy lunatic.

She just does most of the new mum cards.

But this is the real boss, Charlie. Charlie boy!

Hi! Welcome to Anarchy Hamster.

"I didn't know I had it in me."

Yeah? So it's a proud mum boast,

and it's also a joke on carrying a child. Loving that.

What about, if on the inside, it just says,

"I thought it was a huge shit,

"and I was right"?

That's just...

I like that. That's... Can we...?

What about if we change "huge shit" for "stomachache"?

Cos Anarchy Hamster, we're kind of about responsible irresponsibility.

Listen, I'm going to have to go,

but I just want to give you your contract for the job.

Sign it when you like!

It's just a... it's an industry gag. Oh.

Um... OK. Um...

Listen, I'm... I'm just going to say this.

Are... do...

Do you have special needs?