Web Therapy

Previously on Web Therapy...

Well, this is a fantasy relationship you have,

because Kip happens to be very much in love

with his wife.

We're in love.

It hasn't gotten physical yet,

but his little "business trip" this weekend

in Atlanta...

Meet Atlanta.

The reason he told me that he couldn't perform

is that he said he only hit on me to begin with...

Because he thought--

he thought I was a transvestite!

- What? - What?

Of course he wasn't turned on by me.

I don't have a penis!

- I love you. - Well, you're my inside man.

'Cause we're like best friends.

Austen, it's Fiona. Listen, don't bother

to call me back, all right?

I think I'm going to take my book elsewhere.

Well, hello, Fiona.

Oh, hello... Sister...Maxine.

I thought you'd get a kick out of that

as I'm wrapping up all the loose ends

- here in my office. - Oh, yes, yes.

That's why I'm calling, to check up on you.

I'm happy to see you're in such good spirits, I mean--

- Oh, I'm feeling wonderful, thank you.

I'm feeling wonderful.

Austen doubled my advance,

and then I was very sorry to hear that he had fired you.

But you don't seem to be upset, which is suspicious to me.

No, no, I'm not upset at all.

In fact, this is pretty much the happiest day of my life.

- Oh. -

Let me just explain.

I-I made a vow. I made a vow,

I think to St. Jude,

that I would watch over and take care of Austen.

And no matter how much I tried to get him to fire me--

because I couldn't quit. I couldn't quit

and offend a Saint in that capacity.

What do you mean? You--

Well, you know, I always told him

he had to pick-- the floozies or me.

You know, my God-centered spiritual life or--

and he always chose me, until you.

Until me. And then you got your wish.

You got fired from your assistant's job.

All right. My faith is so strong.

My connection to St. Jude-- I can't tell you how many times

he's helped me find my keys.

- Oh. - Yes. I lose things,

and right away St. Jude is there, you know.

- So, uh, I had to-- - He sounds wonderful.

- I'd love to meet him. - Mm.

Did you get the Catholic for Dummies book?

Because they're not actually still living, the saints.

Right. No, it was a joke.

It was Saint humor.

Oh.

I'm not familiar with that.

So St. Jude, the Saint of the lost causes one.

That is exactly who St. Jude is.

Bravo to you.

No, I found it fascinating.

And there's one for selling houses,

but you have to bury his head in the ground.

Bury the entire statue.

The Lord works in mysterious ways--look at you.

It's funny how "mysterious" and "ridiculous"

are sometimes interchangeable.

Yeah, sometimes, I suppose.

Here's the thing. God tapped my shoulder.

- Oh. - He said to me,

"Ask about the gifts."

And remember when we were talking Tiffany blue boxes?

- Remember that? - Yes, I remember.

Remember what you told me about the flowers

- from his yard in Scotland? - Yes, and--

- and meeting Filomena? - Who's Filomena?

His nanny who raised him, who he loves like no other?

Oh, the ancient Scottish woman?

Yes. She is his connection.

The closest thing to family that he has ever had,

next to me.

And he sent her to check me out?

Which showed me and told me, which made me know

that he loves you.

Well...

And I knew that was my out.

And the guilt he felt was enormous.

And my retirement package, more than I could have dreamed.

He gave me a golden parachute. Pardon the expression.

- Oh. - You familiar with that term?

- Yes, I a-- well, of course I am, I was in--

did you not read my book?

- I was in the finance world, so-- - I certainly did.

- Yes. - That was quite something.

So he's given me enough to start my life anew,

and I'm heading on out to Palm Springs.

I'm gonna open a retirement village center golf course

for ex-nuns.

- Oh. - They are all so athletic.

It's really amazing. I think all the genuflecting

builds up the thigh muscles-- the eye/hand coordination

from so many years of crossing themselves.

They are spirited, spirited women

who need a place to go and relax

with someone who understands them, and I believe that's me.

Well, so you've-- well, you're very clever.

So congratulations, Fiona, Austen is all yours.

I'd like to just tell you that Filomena has a peanut allergy,

and she is lactose intolerant.

So come the holidays-- and every holiday will be spent

with Filomena and Austen-- please be conscious of that.

She is getting old, and we wouldn't want anything

to happen to her.

No. She is getting old.

- The little cough she had? - Yes.

- Is it... - Sinus mold. Chronic.

Oh, not a tubercular cough?

- Oh, no, no. - Okay.

Just, you know, sometimes

I swab the inside of each nostril

with some vaseline,

and that gives her a little comfort.

But it's not going to ever take away.

Okay, well, then she is really gonna miss you.

Certainly. But she's all yours from now on.

So thank you. This has really been

a blessed event knowing you.

Well, happy I could help and give you this gift.

Yes, and you have. Peace be with you, Fiona.

And you.

Yes. Lift up our hearts.

We lift the up to the Lord.

Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.

It is right to give him thanks and praise.

- Amen. - Thank you.

Just, I'm-- I'm confused about one thing.

So true love means no expensive gifts--

Ever.

Fiona, I can't find my blue suit--where is it?

It just came back from the dry cleaners.

- I'll bring it up. - No, you--

- All right, here it is. - Oh.

- Want me to pack it for you? - No, no, I'm fine.

- I can do it, thanks. - All right.

I forget where you're going this time.

I'm going to Boston.

Your mother's having a fund-raiser for me.

Oh, that's right. How awful.

It's a mistake to have anything to do with her,

as far as I'm concerned.

Look, Ben thinks it's a great idea.

He's meeting me at the airport,

and your mother is a doll for doing this.

- Ben? - Ben Tomlin,

my campaign manager. Oh, you hired Ben Tomlin.

- Yes. - I didn't know.

Well, did I not get an email about that?

Check your spam folder.

Well, I don't think that he'd be in spam.

All right.

Kip, you don't wear boxers, do you?

No, I hate boxers.

That reminds me, we got a lovely donation

- from Trent and Camilla bowner. - Nice.

Look, sweetie, I need to use the bathroom for a minute.

Could you, uh--could you manage my toiletries bag?

- It's right there. - Yes.

This is toiletry.

Ooh! Oh!

You're gonna have to pay extra for the weight.

I don't know why it was balled up

in the back of the trunk of my car,

but I got it out, and-- ow--

and I was able to take it and steam it,

so it'll be ready for your appearance in half an hour.

I also put the two buttons back in

that you popped out at the pancake breakfast.

So you're good to go.

Wait, what appearance in a half an hour?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're reading to the schoolchildren

at the counsel for the disabled orphan immigrants.

Oh, no. I'm not going to do that.

- You have to cancel that. - Ow, oh.

Well, why don't you turn that off?

- Yeah, okay. - 'Cause you don't seem

to know how to use it properly.

I don't think I can cancel.

You're reading literally in half an hour.

They told me they got the kids ready.

It takes them a while for all of them

to actually sit in circle time,

'cause some of them aren't always upright.

They keep putting me with children,

and that's just wrong.