Rooster

"The next morning, Ginger returned to that edge,

"waiting, hay gnashing between her teeth.

"As she raised the gun, she measured the weight

of her heavy body against the promise of a final end."

Okay, so your story was in the style of Sylvia Plath,

and it was about...

Suicidal horses.

They were horses!

That explains so much.

Okay, I was a little thrown off

because Ginger had the gun.

And Piper worked at the travel agency.

- Right. - Great. Nice work, Maya.

We are done for today. Good.

- That was fun. - Good shit, Grg.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Spooner, is that my watch?

Yeah, you gave it to me the other night

when we were partying, and I taught you how to reset

your phone's ringtone to something cool.

There is no way I would have given you that watch.

That's Spooner's watch.

So, I'm giving it to Spooner right now.

Let's get some beers. Yay-yuh!

I still want it back.

- Oh. - Hey, did you see Tommy today?

No, I didn't.

Thank you.

I didn't hate class today, Mr. Russo.

Oh, thank you, Ronni, that's very kind...

-Now, she's gone. -She's right. I peep a new swag.

Well, got a solid eight hours last night.

Well, you don't have to be shy.

You either got something or you gave something.

I didn't... I wasn't getting or giving.

Just... Just sleeping.

- Well, keep it up, shawty. - Okay, Eva. Bye.

Rooster!

Tommy! You weren't in class.

Yeah, sorry, I had an emergency.

Oh. What's going on?

Didn't think you'd ask a follow-up.

- Learn to lie, young man. - Okay.

Madam.

I thought you'd enjoy a hot cup au chocolát.

Are you insane? We're at work.

Why not just get a neon sign that says,

"Cristle put her finger in my butt."

- That was your finger? - Greg, join us.

Take it.

Say they're both yours.

Go.

- These are both mine. - Okay.

Uh, quick question about your former spouse.

How would you introduce Elizabeth?

Ah, well, she definitely doesn't like it when I call her "my ex,"

but "my former wife" sounds like I killed her,

so I usually just go with Beth.

Nice podcast, Greg.

I just meant, how should I introduce her tomorrow?

We're planning the dedication ceremony

for the Elizabeth Stoddard Student Center,

which apparently is a part of my job.

- Mm. - Moving down my list,

would you say that Elizabeth

is a relentlessly aggressive predator

who will stop at nothing to get what she wants?

That can't be on the list.

He thinks she's coming for his job.

Oh, she would make a great college president!

Hello?

Nope, not this college.

Her name should be on the student center.

She raised all the money.

But this Green Initiative of hers...

Now, the lights go off in every academic building

automatically at 7 p.m.? What are we, Quakers?

Is that something they do?

Look, if Beth wanted your job, I wouldn't know.

Since our split, we really haven't been in contact.

So, she made it impossible to be close?

You made it impossible to stay close.

Let's not do the micro expression, please.

And if you must know, yeah.

I think that Beth tried to keep it civil

so we could continue to hang out as a family.

- But I couldn't do it. - Why?

- A number of reasons. - Name them.

- He doesn't wanna name 'em. - Don't talk for Greg.

I don't want to name 'em.

Fair enough.

Ah, one down.

Wow, two hot chocolates.

- Yeah. - What are you hiding?

So weird.

Why did you drag that lame picture

- all the way from Florida? - I don't know.

Just makes me happy when I look at it.

Well, as an art historian,

if you paid more than $10 for that, you got ripped off.

Ouch. Your mom is coming this weekend.

I will keep her entertained. You don't even have to see her.

Actually, I was thinking

that it might be fun for the three of us to hang out.

Really?

- Mm-hmm. - I mean, the last few times

I've seen you guys together since the split

have not been super smooth.

- I know, I know, I know. - And no judgment.

Well, there shouldn't be judgment.

You burned down your house,

and I just said mean things to my ex.

Wow.

I think I might be ready.

Then you should go for it.

I'm trying to figure out a way

to broach the topic with your mom.

How do you spell "whazzup"?

- Jesus Christ, give me that. - Wha... okay.

Before you send anything, run it by me first.

- Yeah. - Whoa, whoa, don't call...

Hi, Mom, it's me,

- on Dad's phone. - Oh, come on...

Uh, I was just thinking,

I think you should stay at his house this weekend.

- What are you doing? Don't... - No, I know.

He is like that.

No, the room isn't available. Don't.

- Just hang it up. - She wants to talk to you.

Be cool.

- Whazzup?! - No.

- Hi. Yeah. -

Uh, yes, I think I can not be weird.

Okay.

Bye.

Well, not if I see you first. That... No.

Bye.

Whazzup?

And although Stalin and Lenin

both had different approaches to governing,

they did still share the same tomb.

Now, that's an odd couple comedy that I'd pay to see.

- -

Um, Professor Bates, can I have a word?

- Oh. - Of course.

We were just wrapping up, anyway.

Spokoynoy nochi, everybody.

Spokoynoy nochi.

- After you. - Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Um, you need to stop sending me eggplant emojis.

- Oh, you mean aubergines? -

What? I didn't even put the little water drops afterwards.

- 'Cause I'm a gentleman. - We are never having sex again.

Agreed. Because we didn't have sex.

- We made love. - Gross.

Oh, for fuck's sake! This shit again?

These are everywhere. Do you know who's doing this?

I don't, I wish I did. Then I would thank them.

'Cause it's like a little sign telling me to stay away.

The one good thing that came from us sleeping together

is that I have clarity.

I'm sorry if what I'm about to say makes you sad,

but when we were together, I felt nothing.

- Oh. - Yeah.

I'm over you.

- Pants off. - Okay. Just me?

Elizabeth Stoddard is a philanthropist,

a pioneer in corporate gender equality,

and an accomplished CEO.

Or should I say She-E-O?

- Oof. -

My wife wrote that. She's not here.

We're... We're so glad that Beth could join us

for one day, and one day only.

Without further ado,

Elizabeth Stoddard, class of '89.

Thank you so much, President Mann,

for those kind words.

And thank you all for being here to welcome me, I guess,

to my student center? Crazy, right?

I kinda thought my name would be bigger.

- - Who do I talk to about that?

I forgot how good she is at this.

Dad, I'm right here. You're screaming.

- I'm not... How am I screaming? - Stop.

Which is why I am really looking forward

to being on campus much more frequently,

- so that I can help lead our university... - What the...

- People can see you. - toward the future.

With the Green Initiative, Ludlow is on track

to be the first ever passive-energy campus

in all of New England.

It's very excit...[ringtone playing "P.I.M.P." by 50 Cent]

- Turn that off. - Um...