The Other Guy

Weren't no apartments here back then.

I seen that Indigenous lady with her dog

getting angry 'cause it wouldn't eat its laksa.

Oh, imagine that!

A little dog eatin' laksa!

Yeah, I used to live with a dog. Real junkyard mutt.

AJ.

I had a Bichon Frise growing up, called Pickles.

He ate a whole Domino's pizza one day

and gave himself diabetes.

Glad I'm not a dog.

Would've given myself diabetes this morning.

Previously on AJ & Sam...

How do you feel about cheating?

- Oh, can we turn this off? - No, no, no!

Do not listen to him.

Do not listen to him! He is just trying to ruin my rating.

Oh, yes, she's nice to you but as soon as I book one

she's stealing all the lollies and waters.

Oh, you got my five, love, trust me.

(ON RADIO) But how do you feel about cheating?

Cheating like how - like in a relationship, in Monopoly?

Wait, wait, wait, how do you cheat in Monopoly?

I take $500 and I put it under my butt

every time I play.

What? Dude, that's not cheating, that's saving.

Your butt is a bank!

That's probably why it has such low interest around here.

- Hey, is that you? - (RADIO BANTER CONTINUES)

Gee, I listen to you all the time.

This is gonna sound bad, but I thought you were white.

They don't know that!

I can't fit money in my freezer,

I got too many Zooper Doopers.

They're worth more than money.

You need to move out.

OK.

Poor effort.

That's yours.

You wanted two, for some reason. You had a little song about it.

Dammit!

Oh, no, no, no, don't do that.

There's... wasps.

Oh, fuck. You're trapped.

Yeah, they were probably watching me

fumble around last night.

There are things I haven't done in a while.

It was fine.

I can give you a lift home if you want,

but we're going to have to wait, like, 15 hours.

Bus is fine.

Do you want some coins?

Don't tell me I fucked another busker?

No.

Well, I mean, do we hug or something?

Nah.

I feel gross.

Alright then, well... laters.

Bye.

Take off this stupid fucking thing.

Oh-ho-ho!

That bad, eh? Hm?

- Ha! - (GROANS)

How did you know?

Ah, 'cause of this.

(ON PHONE) Yo, Sam! Sam the man!

Not gonna lie,

Liv and everything's really been fuckin' with me

but I'm back, feelin' sweet!

Let's make some radio magic, baby, whoo!

Yeah, you woke up Violet.

Like, three minutes after Richard and I

finally got her to sleep.

He thinks you're suppressing grief.

I'm suppressing nuggets.

Alright, ten seconds.

Fade FM!

You're listening to AJ & Sam,

every morning from 6:00 on Fade FM.

Eh, what is up,

AJ & Sam here, Fade FM, it's a Monday morning.

It IS a Monday

and welcome to you if you're just joining us!

- What a Monday! - What a Monday!

Bloody Monday. Gets a bad rap, Monday.

Well, 'cause of Garfield, mostly.

He hates 'em. He hates 'em.

Hey, looks like your stalker, Dog Murphy,

is back on the text line.

Fuck that guy.

100 bucks says he hasn't even had fingers in before.

He wants to know if you know what's gonna happen

on November 24

because, quote, "Your head looks like a crystal ball."

- (SAM LAUGHS) - Fuck that!

Man, this is bullshit! How come no-one ever makes fun of you?

- 'Cause I'm likeable. - And you got so much hair.

I'm sick of wearing hats. It's just bald man make-up.

Alright, 30 seconds.

Hey, AJ, who's... who's Spring?

What?

"Hey, Sam, ask AJ about pissing the bed last night."

Then she's done like a tongue sticky-outy emoji.

Oh, my God, no!

No, no!

- Let's talk about it on air! - No!

No, no, I swear to God, please don't, I can't do this,

I can't handle it.

Oh, Let's Talk About It, Amy Wade, on Fade FM,

with Sam & AJ.

And, AJ, I want to ask you about a very interesting text...

- Someone pissed my bed. - Someone.

Yes, someone that is not me pissed all over my bed.

- Ugh. - That's not the worst thing.

The worst thing is that it's my ex-girlfriend's mattress.

It's your ex-girlfriend's matt... Oh.

Dude, trust me, I am in hot water at the moment.

You're in warm piss, is what you're in. You're covered in it.

Did you even have sex last night?

Why are you guys still here?

I heard you shushing her a lot. You shouldn't do that.

That doesn't count as outside, Stevie.

Whatever.

You need one of these.

Hey? Is this what you need?

Do you want one of these?

Oh, eat me, please. Come on.

Little baby go to Daddy.

Oh, pwease.

Nah? Nothing?

Whoopsie.

Ooh, you should drink more water.

No, it's not mine.

Sure. You should probably still drink more water, though.

You've been looking quite dry.

I met this young nugget at The Roxie one night,

about seven dingers deep, proper busted.

He was, like, gurning his jaw off.

We were on the dance floor

and I swear this grom needs his fuckin' Mummy or some shit

'cause he started huggin' me, pullin' me in,

face pressed into my chest.

Turns out this little fuck's been chewing a glow stick.

It exploded all over my chest.

That poor cunt had to go to hospital

'cause he started havin' a fit.

But you should've seen it, man, bright yellow shit everywhere,

fuckin' full ruined my T-shirt.

You should chuck some vinegar in that bowl, bro.

Trust me. When you sling gear and drive Uber

you get pretty used to cunts pissin' themselves.

What day is it?

Well, at least you're not low on vitamin B.

It's not mine, OK?

When have I ever, ever pissed the bed?

- No. - Oh, oh, oh... Oh!

No! No, no, no, no. No. You dropped the joint.

You're lucky I'd had ten beers that night,

otherwise this whole place would've fucking burnt down.

Oh, I reckon you were wanting to do that for quite some time.

Look, if it's not your pee, then I need to get a new mattress.

So just admit it.

Of all the times to be self-righteous

you had to choose my one day-bender this week.

- Thanks, mate. - Whatever.

Oi, who's going to live in Henry's room?

I mean the spare room.

Probably someone who can afford it.

You don't know what I can afford,

thank you very much.

This looks good! Oh, yeah, sick!

- AJ, I've made a huge mistake. - What, with Dezzy?

Why did I sleep with my dealer?

- Thought you said it was good. - But he's obsessed with me now.

And, like, last night, he kept counting his thrusts,

like, he'd get to 15 and then he'd start again.

- Like he was doing reps? - Yeah.

It's like my rig was his gym for the eve-... Hey.

Sorry, guys, but you wouldn't wear shoes in bed at home,

so please don't do it with our quality mattresses.

Ooh! You're a bossy little man, aren't you?

- Come on, up you get. - Aren't you bossy?

Come on, sister. Sit on down there. Come on.

Alright, mate. OK. OK.

Um, so which one of these do you sleep on, fine sir?

To be honest, I'm more of a couch man myself.

- Right. Like a sofa bed. - A sofa bed! That's a good one.

You mention sofa bed in any decent couch forum

and you'll get absolutely ripped apart.

I mean RIP, in pieces.

Really? I always imagined the couch community

would be quite laid-back.

They're not.

I've got a real sweet 3-seater, old-school vinyl.

You've got to peel your face off it on a hot morning

but other than that it's perfect.

And did you know they're safer too,

'cause there's only one side you can fall off?

450 people die in the US falling out of beds every year.

If all those people had slept on couches