Camp

You know that muffin's, like, 12 points on weight watchers.

I don't think you should track on vacation.

- Look at that kid. - Hmm?

Eating French toast like it's the end of days.

I hate him.

Man, his upper body is crazy.

Do you think it's weird that they can talk about another guy's abs

- in front of each other? - No, I think it's fantastic.

Have another bite.

Do it. Do it. Put it in there, faster.

Ooh, yeah, more syrup.

- That's it. - Don't chew it, baby.

- Just shove it in there. - Shove it in.

Eat it while you can, Abercrombie.

Time is coming for you too.

- Hey. What's Steve doing here? - Hmm?

Oh.

Didn't you, like, get a second mortgage on your house,

so you didn't have to look at his cheating face anymore?

Can I tell him you banged the teeth out of Roger twice?

No!

Besides, I need to talk to him.

Our credit card statement just came in.

He just spent $2,000 on a weekend in harbor Springs with the Russian.

You you still share a credit card?

- Not the point of the story. - It is now.

- What else do you still share? - Nothing.

Okay, cell phone plan and some underwater shares

in a Phoenix real-estate company.

Don't ask.

Maybe you should, like, throw up a little boundary or whatever.

Listen, guys, I didn't ask to be in situation,

but now that I am, I intend to take the high road.

I want a nice, friendly divorce.

Hey, look who I found.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey, Steve. - Sorry.

I just came by to get my, uh, tent out of storage.

Okay, I also let him store his stuff here.

Yeah, Kat and I had a fight. I'm in the doghouse.

It might be over.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Steve.

I thought I'd go backpacking for a few days.

- It's gonna be cold, though. - You should stay here.

Okay, you guys,

Marina totally checked out my boobs in the shower.

Those girls hate me.

It's, like, weird how much they hate me.

This sucks. Plus, my hair's flat today.

Okay. Idea...

Today we're both gonna be super positive.

You?

Yeah. My name is Kip Wampler.

I'm awesome, and I love camp.

Okay, my name is Marina Barker.

I'm amazing. People love me.

And my hair is full of volume.

And what kind of day are we gonna have, Marina?

The amazing, fantastic kind, Kip?

That's right.

And we're gonna grow and change today

because we're awesome and fantastic and positive.

We're God's favorites, really.

We are. Now, come on, positive people high-five.

Now let's go eat breakfast with these amazing ho-bags.

I would kill myself if you weren't here right now.

Uh, positive people do not talk about suicide.

- Whoo! Yeah! - Whoo!

What's happening?

I don't know,

but whatever horrible group activity it is,

I'm all-in.

Camp Little Otter, are you ready for a bloodbath?

Yeah!

- Not this again. - I always forget.

Little Otter is going to war!

It's brother against brother, mother against son,

ambivalent first-timer versus way-too-into-it guy.

Yes, it's capture the flag!

Whoo! Yeah!

- Played over two days with a 12 hour truce...

Losing team has to serve winning team dinner!

Hey, remember, there are kids playing.

This isn't the olympic trials. You're gonna hurt your hands.

You know who runs the world?

- Big oil. - Winners.

That's awesome. Capture the flag... I love that.

You should totally stay.

That would be so cool, but it's up to your mom.

The answer is no.

N...

- Okay. - Yes!

Up top. Down low. Let's eat.

All right, so, under your plate, you're gonna find a sticker.

On that sticker is either a green or a yellow tag.

If it's green, it means you're on the green team.

If it's yellow... you get the idea.

Green

Go, green.

Oh, Marina, we're not on the same team.

That's so sad.

Hi.

Greg, what are you?

Greg, you're on our team.

Up top.

Awesome. Awesome!

Sweet. We're on the same team. Let's grind mom into powder.

Are you kidding? We are gonna crush her.

Let the carnage begin!

- What are we doing in there? - Just getting a band-aid.

For your leukemia?

Did you need a band-aid for your leukemia?

How did you know about...

I went through Mack's medicine cabinet.

You did?

I googled all the drugs when I got into town,

and somebody here has genital herpes.

I'm not gonna tell you who, so don't even ask.

It's Rebecca Rosen.

Okay, Chloe,

the thing about my leukemia is that it's not really something

I want people to know about, okay?

Could you please...

Hey, you okay?

- Yeah, walking on sunshine. - Me too. I'm awesome.

Oh, I told Greg about positive day.

Yeah, I'm phenomenal, man.

Oh, what a great word. Congratulations.

That is so supportive. Thanks, buddy.

Marina, I like this guy. What's his name again?

Okay, everyone, shut up.

We need a team captain. I nominate Mack.

I second that nomination.

- Whoo! Whoo! - Thank you, Cole.

Okay, okay, okay, does everybody know the rules

to capture the flag?

Kip. Have you played before?

I assume we're supposed to capture the other team's flag?

That is correct. I'll ignore the sarcasm.

Okay... guys, we need a team leader.

I'll just remind everybody that I led my team

- to victory last year... - I nominate my dad!

Okay, I'll do it. All right, let's talk territory.

Now, we got the beach... Boys town, the fern trails...

Out to point doom.

Basically, all the good stuff. They got the crap.

Now, let's talk rules of engagement.

You capture or kill an opposing team member

by hitting them with a water balloon.

You can decide if they're dead or your prisoner.

While this is a competition.

The important thing is to have fun.

Water balloons can hurt, so no head shots.

Go for the head.

Terminate with extreme prejudice,

especially women and children.

They're slow, and they cry.

Fire and forget!

Die! Die!

- Okay, where are we hiding... - The flag.

In your butt.

- Every year. - Every single year.

- In your butt. - That's funny every time.

I love it. I like you.

You can stay, kid.

- Why is that guy even here? - He's Buzz's father.

Look, this is all new to me, Cole.

I'm trying to figure out

what this divorce thing looks like.

Yeah, well, from where I'm sitting,

it looks like you're saying "yes" to everything he wants.

You think it's really over

with the Russian pubic-hair remover?

Don't know, don't care. Come on, let's kick ass.

There.

Out of sight, but in plain sight.

I'm a ninja, you guys.

Super-accommodating, warmhearted ninja

who can't say no.

I'm a natural-born leader

with an honest commitment to this camp,

and then Steve just blows in on a day pass,

and he's captain?

I'm gonna take him out.

Friendly fire... it happens.

If you want, I will call you captain.

- Don't patronize me. - Aye aye.

- Robbie! - Yeah?

Your mom called. She says she needs a ride.

Something about loose sluts?

"Loose sluts"?

Loose slots.

She needs a ride from the casino again.

You know what? I should just not go.

You can't not go. She's your mom.

I know she's got issues, but she's fun.

Go, Robbie, it's your birthday.

Damn it.

Robbie, remember, with every loss...

You're one step closer to a win.