Nothing to See Here (Ojitos de huevo)

"Have you always been blind?"

I get asked that a lot.

For a few seconds, I was able to see the world.

My mom caught toxoplasmosis at the beginning of her third trimester

after exposure to the feces of our cat, Bowie.

It's his fucking fault.

Everything's gonna be okay, love!

She had to have a C-section

when I was only seven months to prevent me from catching it.

What the nurse didn't know

was if the incubator oxygen wasn't properly calibrated,

and they didn't cover my eyes when my retinas were underdeveloped,

it could cause even more serious eye problems.

Here are my parents finding out they'd be raising a blind son.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, right! I forgot to say that my dad is an ophthalmologist.

At the time,

he thought it was a sign from God that he had to cure blindness.

He couldn't have been more fucking wrong.

When he accepted I couldn't be cured, he promised he'd always protect me

and that he'd turn me into an exemplary blind person.

My mom, on the other hand, thought the best way to help

was to push me to have no limits.

If you use this ball,

my son will be the best goalie you've ever had.

Choose your best striker.

You will not be like other blind people in this world.

You're gonna be different, got it?

Hugo!

I didn't become a goalkeeper

or anyone's role model.

But that afternoon, on that soccer field,

I discovered what years later would change my life forever.

Laughter.

Dad calling.

Dude, where's my phone?

Beats me.

Locate it by ear.

I'm not a fucking dolphin. I'm stoned.41

-Give it to me, bro. -Damn it.

Please.

Dad calling.

Here you go.

Thanks, man. You're too kind.

Hello.

Where are you?

At the university.

At the same university where you skipped class again?

I don't learn squat in that class.

The teacher explains everything with slides.

Do you do anything besides smoke pot with your stoner friend?

My old man says hi, dude.

I don't understand why you're wasting your life, Alexis.

Not that there's much to waste, right?

See you later, Dad. Bye.

Will you load another?

Load what? We smoked it all.

-All of it? -Yes.

We should go buy more.

Dude, I'm completely broke.

What's the use of having a friend who just monetized his first YouTube video?

Way to go!

CRIPPLE ON WHEELS LIVE

And Charly keeps getting asked if he's stupid.

So…

Carlos is not retarded?

No.

We'd rather not use that word.

He has cerebral palsy.

What's the difference?

His head works perfectly like that of any other child.

His body is what reacts…

differently.

I still don't understand the difference.

Is your grandson stupid or not?

Actually…

he's very smart.

When we explained his condition to him,

it took him less than two minutes to understand

that he was as smart as any other person.

He was five.

And that makes him very smart?

Or rather makes you, a 50-year-old who can't understand,

very stupid.

Let's go.

Are you okay?

What's wrong with you? Can't you see?

No. Are you an idiot?

Are you okay?

Yes, more or less.

Do you attend this school?

Yes.

I'm giving that bastard a piece of my mind.

Get acquainted and make friends. I'll be back.

I won't be your friend.

Relax, this is the last time we see each other.

-Oops, sorry. -Idiot.

That's how I met my best friend.

Why can't we buy weed from Beto?

He says it's wrong to sell to two disabled guys.

Now he feels sorry for us.

He says it's a matter of principle.

-Principle! -Yeah, but he--

Jeez!

Hold on to me. I got a cab.

TAXI 12 SANTIAGO DE QUERÉTARO

You brought me to a stand-up bar again.

They sell weed in the restroom. Just ask for Brad Pitt.

That's a code word?

No, they call him Brad Pitt. Maybe he looks like him.

-Does he look like him? -Identical.

How much, bro?

A hundred pesos for the bag.

One hundred?

Is that too much?

No, it's cheap even for oregano.

I'm suspicious of its quality.

I can charge 500 if you want.

Come on.

All right. Give it here.

Did you fall off your swing?

I'm trying to find my balance.

My weed will make you stand nice and still.

Just wait and see.

Let's go, dude. Come on.

Let's hear it, people, come on!

"It's good to be at The Dome," is something no one has ever said.

Down for a beer?

Why do you always bring me to watch this shit?

Just one round, dude.

And the alarm clock goes off, right?

Then, I turn it off and say, "Five more minutes."

Okay, just one round.

Do you know what I'm fucking sick of, Charly?

What are you fucking sick of?

This damn town. Aren't you?

-Hell yes, I'm fed up. -Johanna, girlfriend.

So, they always throw coins at you when you're holding a cup, right?

The other day, I almost choked on a ten-peso coin.

People wanna buy their way into heaven by helping a blind guy.

It never happens to me.

Maybe because you don't look disabled.

You look like you were run over.

I never thought of it like that.

On the street, you hate being treated as a blind guy,

but on campus, you hate them forgetting.

-Make up your mind already. -Let's see.

I don't like being overprotected, like by my dad.

But I don't like people forgetting I'm disabled,

like by my mom.

Well, she doesn't forget. She's in total denial.

You're missing.

Aim more to the right.

Not that much.

There you go.

I'm just saying they should help with the bare minimum.

I can take it from there, you know?

I'd like them to forget I'm blind for five minutes.

I could paint a pair of eyes on your eyelids.

-Fuck off, man. -They won't know the difference.

-Let's go already. -Wash your hand.

But it's clean.

Who are we kidding? Nobody's gonna hire us when we finish college.

Their inclusion ends with the ramps on the sidewalks.

If it weren't for Johanna,

I would've skipped this fucking town a long time ago.

No way, the Johanna you've been ignoring for ten calls?

-That's the one. -For real?

She's keeping you from leaving?

She's not with you because you're the only guy at school.

She's with you to feel better about herself.

Like the people who throw money in your cup.

You generate likes.

-I generate likes? -Yeah.

Here, check out this photo.

-What is it? -She's holding a koala.

A fucking koala. It's a great photo, and it has 90 likes.

On the other hand, in this one,

where she's with you

with #LoveIsBlind and God knows what other shit,

she has 572.

That's 572 likes!

She lives for that attention.

But you and I both know

that she's doing even less than the street ramps.

-We make a cute couple. -Cute couple my ass!

Plus, you've been together three months, and you've hated this town forever.

I won't let you use this as an excuse.

No one has ever wanted to be my girlfriend.

Besides being blind, you're deaf!

I'm talking to you, you fucking mole.

I think he means you, dude.

I get that you can't see my show,

but you can listen to it,

but in silence, out of respect for the rest of us!

Excuse me. I didn't know we were at the opera. It's dark here.

Tie bells to your necks. I thought the place was empty.

Plus, he's funny!

Why don't you get up here

and see how it feels when two cripples