9-1-1

- Your back still bothering you? - I'm fine.

I just tweaked it a little.

My grandpa throws his back out every time he prunes his gardenias,

and he swears by ice and arnica.

My grandpa has sciatica. He uses this, uh, magnesium cream.

Or is that for his gout?

You don't have gout, do you?

No, I do not have gout.

And before you ask,

I also do not have osteoporosis,

urinary incontinence, or ED.

Why would we think you had an eating disorder?

- A different ED. - Different how?

Okay, that's my cue to go pick up my kid.

Hey, guys.

Hey, before you leave, I need to talk to you guys about something.

Sizzle and Spark.

I'm gonna need more words.

It's the theme for this year's LAFD bachelor auction.

Okay, that's words.

Yeah, go ahead and leave. I'll just forge your names for the sign-up sheet.

- That's the spirit. - A bachelor auction?

Isn't that a little outdated?

It's 2026. Outdated is making a comeback.

- So this is for charity? - Yeah.

Every house is doing it. It's gonna be fun.

Who has fun being auctioned off like a slab of beef?

So, someone spent $8,000

to go on a date with you?

8,001.

Adjusted for inflation, it's really not that big of a deal.

Why 8,001?

The extra dollar is a strategy that people use in a…

- A bidding war. - There was a bidding war?

$8,000?

Didn't you say you needed to go pick up Christopher?

Yeah. And trust me,

he's gonna have a lot of questions about this story too.

All right.

Everybody, sign up.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Hal!

Hal!

Eddie, what's up?

Hey, where's Chris? He didn't get out of the bus.

No, he never got on.

You didn't see him at school?

Sorry, I figured you picked him up.

- Did you call the school? - Yeah.

I talked to one of the teachers, and she says he got into another car.

Did you try Find My Friend on his phone?

Yeah, it says it's at the house, but he sometimes leaves it there

and he's not answering the calls.

- Okay, what kind of car? - A light-colored sedan, older.

Which describes half the damn cars in the city.

- I called the police. - What did they say?

Told me to go home in case he's there. I…

I'm headed there right now.

Uh, okay, just... just stay there. I'm gonna come over.

Wait, the car, it's in my driveway.

- I'll call you back. -

- Hi. - Abigail?

Chris, what's going on?

I'm kicking Abigail's butt.

Not for long. I just got a booster.

Turn it off.

You didn't want to answer your phone?

I-I guess it was on silent.

It's not his fault. We got distracted.

What are you doing here, Abigail?

She picked me up from school.

- Chris, you got homework? - Yeah.

Do it.

I need to talk to you right now.

I'm sorry. I just wanted to help.

You're a busy man. You've been so nice to me.

You mentioned you were sad you didn't have time to pick Chris up from school,

so I just wanted to help.

That is not help, okay?

Not knowing where my son is, that is terrifying.

I didn't mean to scare you.

We were just having so much fun. We'll call next time.

There's no next time.

What do you mean?

I mean, what you're doing is not okay.

Showing up here or going to Chris's school,

it has to stop.

I thought you liked me.

You guys are like family.

Family? No.

Chris and I are family. You are not family, okay?

I just helped you because you're my job,

and that's all you'll ever be... my job.

Do you get that?

I…

- No, wait, come on. - I'm gonna go.

Abigail, I didn't mean that.

Yeah, you did.

- - Give it to us, Doc.

Which would you like, the good news or…

The great news?

- What is it? - My CK levels are down to 350.

It's still slightly above range, but it's stable.

That's great, right?

Oh, it's very good.

It means that whatever she's doing, it's working.

Well, it's nothing fancy.

It's just a high-protein diet, UV protection…

A lot of stress management.

Well, you just keep being you.

I plan to.

You know who's gonna be excited about this, baby?

My mother?

Your captain.

Hey, I would be mad too.

I am mad. She took Chris.

I'm more mad at myself.

The kid had nobody else, and I made her feel worthless.

Oh, easy. Don't break the probie.

- Sorry. - Here we are.

Our bachelors of the 118 ready to sizzle and spark.

What is she doing here?

May is gonna be our civilian liaison for the auction.

She has volunteered to whip you all into lean, mean

cat walking machines.

No.

Apparently your sister here is an expert at this stuff.

She handled her sorority's frat auctions all four years,

and we're lucky to have her.

No offense, I think this is a little different

from hawking date nights with drunk frat bros.

I definitely have my work cut out for me here.

Hey, uh, please, can I just write a check to the widows and orphans?

Not unless that check has a comma in it.

Okay, let's go. Line up.

Let's get to work. Line up. Let's start with some power poses.

Right here facing the mirror. Thank you.

- Okay, let's start off… - Hey, Buck, a word.

I noticed that your name is missing from the, uh, sign-in form.

Yeah. I-I didn't sign up.

Why not?

You love being objectified.

- I'm-I'm injured. - Yeah, right.

Like when your shoulder was dislocated, but you sledgehammered through a wall.

That's not the same thing. Lives were at stake.

You went bowling after.

Why do you care so much?

I just don't understand why you don't care.

I mean, this whole auction...

It's not just your lane, this is your whole road.

Maybe I'm just not that guy anymore.

Perfect.

Cheers to another stitch and bitch.

And thanks to Carol for hosting again.

Ooh, I look forward to this all week.

Okay, so, who are we waiting on now?

Blanche.

Would it kill her to be on time?

Should someone give her a call?

I mean, Lord knows she could have taken a fall.

- Oh, bless your heart, Faye. - You're still new.

Blanche is healthy as a horse.

I just saw her last night cheating at canasta.

I saw her at pickleball this morning

in that short skirt of hers.

- -

Now I know this is called "stitch and bitch,"

but maybe we should go easy on Blanche.

Didn't she lose her husband?

Marty died five years ago.

Oh.

I lost my Tim last winter and you don't see me acting like that.

- That's right. - We're all widows. Who cares?

Speak of the devil.

Blanche?

"I'm pulling up right now."

Someone's losing their license.

Grab a backboard. All right, Ravi, Jaws. Harry, the K-12.

Hey, Cap, what should I grab?

- Aren't you hurt? - Well, yeah, but I...

You know what, I can't risk it. In fact, let the probie carry your Halligan.

Get me out of here!

Can someone tell me what happened here?

Yeah. Blanche happened.

- She came barreling in here. -

Smashed Carol's settee.

Now she claims that she's gone blind!

I'm trying to tell you, I can't see.

It's my left eye.

I got you, ma'am.

Blanche, hi, I'm Eddie.

This is Ravi. We're gonna get you out of here.

- Have you had anything to drink? - No.

But I could use a glass of red,

if anyone would like to give a gal a hand.

Oh, go to hell.

Blanche, do you wear contacts by any chance?

Yes.

Well, I see what's wrong.

Your left lens is out of place.

Oh.