Heather McMahan: Son I Never Had

McMahan, you have got this.

You are prepared.

You were destined to do this.

You are beautiful.

You are smart.

And most importantly, you are respected.

How long is this going to take?

- I'm hungry, Heather. - I don't know, Mom.

This is the night of my special. It takes however long it takes.

But we are going to a restaurant, right?

I don't know where we're going to eat afterwards.

Did you want to make a reservation?

I didn't make a reservation.

I've got to do everything. Mom, is Dad here?

He's been dead for seven years, Heather.

Mom, I know that he's been dead, but did you bring him?

- What? Oh, you mean the urn. - Yes.

Yeah. I think he's in here. It's either him or Mimi.

- You don't know who it is? - It's probably Dad.

Thank you. Can I have him?

- He's heavy. - I know.

Without further ado,

please welcome to the stage

Heather McMahan.

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh God.

Y'all sit down.

Oh Jesus.

Oh Lord.

I ripped my pussy, Kentucky. Hold on.

Oh.

How are we doing, Lexington, Kentucky?

So let's get right into it. Who's feeling fat tonight? You know what I mean?

- - Oh yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's okay. This is a safe space, okay?

We can talk about how we really feel.

Listen, I know I'm a thicker girl.

You know, I'm a proud size 14, and I really get annoyed

with this whole body positivity movement, right?

And you'd think I'd be into it, right?

Like, we're finally accepted, especially in Hollywood.

But to me, it's actually bullshit,

because I've always been confident in who I am, right?

I've always known I was drop-dead gorgeous,

and it's like...

Of course.

But of course, doesn't it feel like bullshit

that now Hollywood and all these big brands have caught up, right?

And now they've gone the other way, the total opposite way.

You can't even, as a woman these days, be honest

about how you feel about yourself, right?

Because it's like toxic positivity.

They're like, "You've got to love yourself every day, always,

even on your period, bitch."

You're like, "My tits are sore. My pussy is just full."

"I don't know what it's full with, but it just feels very full."

And I don't care how much you love yourself, right?

We have all gotten to that point

where we've just had that honest conversation with ourself,

where we have hit our emergency weight.

Right? Yeah.

For those of y'all who don't know what emergency weight is,

you're naturally thin, and everyone fucking hates you.

Couple of thin bitches in the back like, "I have no idea what she's talking about."

Let me explain to you what emergency weight is, okay?

Now, my emergency weight ranges from an extra like five to 73 lbs,

you know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

This is how you know if you've ever hit your emergency weight, okay?

So you're walking through, like, the hall in your house.

You're just walking through the hall, and you catch a glimpse of yourself

in the hall mirror, and you just go, "What the fuck?!"

And you just call 911, because you have no idea who's staring back at you.

"Oh my God, oh my God, am I bleeding? Oh my God, somebody came by my house."

"I... I've been stabbed. What is that? What, is that blood? Is that...?"

"That is actually marinara. I, um..."

"...forgot I was eating

fried raviolis in bed while watching Gilmore Girls last night."

"My b."

I always know, there's a tell-tale sign, when I've hit my emergency weight, okay?

It's this one test.

Like, you know, I've been out all day, and I come home,

and I'm ready to do the sex with my husband,

um... I don't know about you, but like, you know, you're taking off your jeans,

and I have never had a child,

but right now I just have like a deep cesarean scar,

just like running through my fupa.

Just is like Old Navy embossed in my skin.

Just like, right there.

My husband's like,

"Goddamn it, did the cat get you? What are those, claw marks?"

My zipper's just been screaming.

I'm like, "No, baby, no baby. Just give me 45 minutes,

let me just rub it out. The blood will come back."

"And my pussy will not be purple. Just give me a minute."

With his whole body positivity movement,

I just feel like

some of us have been left behind. Do you know what I mean?

And I just have a major bone to pick with, there's one particular woman

who I just think did us really, you know, raw dog dirty, and um...

that's motherfucking Adele, okay?

You know it.

You know it.

You know it.

That bitch just like, popped out of a bush in London, snatch to the gods.

"Time for a lifestyle change, bitch."

- And then just like, hung up the phone. -

The fuck? I didn't see it coming.

You didn't either.

This woman lost 100 pounds on us, okay? And it's bullshit.

I know what you're thinking. You're too hard on her.

She was going through a divorce. You know, we're all about self...

self-care and taking care of yourself, and I love that she got healthy.

But it's bullshit, because every...

- -

The ladies will get this. When, say... okay.

Say you're in a group with, say, five girls in a group, right?

There's always at least two of us who are like

members of the chub club, you know what I mean?

Just like firm foundations.

And we have a code of ethics, a morality clause.

If at any point overnight, you know, on a whim,

you just decide to lose 100 lbs...

...you know what the first fucking thing you do is?

Call the other fat chick and let her know it's coming.

Adele could have like, beat me, tweet me,

sent me a Facebook Messenger I don't know how to open.

She could have serenaded me on my voicemail, like,

Nothing.

The bitch didn't call me.

You know who else is a traitor?

Rebel Fucking Wilson.

- - Yeah.

Yeah.

You know it. Fat Amy is no longer fat.

And I think the one that hurts the most is our girl.

She was one of us.

She was one of us, and now she's gone over to the dark thin side.

I'm talking about Khloé, K Money.

You know it.

- - Yeah.

She's wasting away.

If a strong breeze comes through the hills of Calabasas,

that bitch is taking flight.

And I know this sounds shallow.

I know that what I'm saying sounds vain.

But I just have this deep fantasy, right?

I just want for once in my life for my friends,

Adele, Rebel Wilson, and Khloé,

to take me to a Cheesecake Factory one day,

and they sit me down at the table, and they say,

"Heather, we ordered your favorite. Cheeseburger, egg rolls,

and an Oreo cheesecake."

"And we brought you here today because we just want you to know,

we are so concerned

you are too thin."

"What, me? No!"

"Oh my God."

It's my dream.

I just want somebody for once in my life to be concerned about my weight loss.

And listen, I was watching my therapist the other day

on TikTok and...

Oh, yeah. My therapist is Tik-Tok. So...

And she was saying, she was like,

"Heather, would you talk to your eight-year-old self

the way you have been talking to your adult self?"