iZombie

You like root beer?

Not really.

'Cause I think

we got some root beer.

Got some Hellfire

Cheesy Puffs behind

the counter.

Interested?

No, thanks. Just... Just this.

It was a trick question

anyway.

I don't sell

Hellfire nothing.

Screw 'em,

know what I mean? Zombies.

How do you know

I'm not a zombie?

'Cause you ain't sucking

my brain out of its skull

like I'm a damn oyster.

The night's young.

You almost had me there,

"The night's young."

I was almost buying it.

But zombies

don't come in here.

They know what's good for 'em.

What makes

you say that?

Fillmore-Graves makes

us stock self-tanning lotion,

and we ain't

sold one of 'em.

Zombies know they

ain't welcome here.

This here homie don't play.

Time's nearly up

for zombies.

That I can tell you.

We ain't gonna

keep letting ourselves

be hostages.

That's for damn sure.

What's the hurry?

Ain't no place to go.

All of us is stuck

in these 15 square miles.

Zombie bitch.

Sad.

The last portion

of brains in the morgue,

if not all of Seattle.

Thumb-breaker Barnes.

I spent five days with you

in my head, and now that

you're gone,

I'd rather you stay gone.

You were an unpleasant man

with an unpleasant job.

You dangled an old lady

off her balcony because

she, what,

disrespected you?

Ever heard

of anger management?

Maybe you should've tried

soothing whale sounds.

But I'm spoiled.

I rarely have to choke down

brain tubes like every other

zombie in the city.

Wine.

Liv! Liv, it's happening.

I should've known

last night

when I was more interested

in eating the pizza guy

than the pizza itself.

My monthlies.

Thank you, Grace.

For being this kind, I'll be

forever your humble servant.

That was mine.

I take it all back.

Whoever this was,

delicious.

It was Thumb-breaker Barnes.

Oh...

Hmm.

Who looks good?

Oh, yeah.

[classical music playing

over speakers]

I'm going for a swim.

Don't be here

when I get back.

Actually,

marathoner brain.

Come back tonight,

say 10:00?

Bring friends.

No fatties.

Get this through

your head.

Blaine is King Kong

and the rest of us

are merely Skull Island

natives.

Don't ask why.

Just go tell the girls

that Twofer Tuesdays

is a real thing

decreed by

the mighty Kong.

Remember, Don E,

'twas Beauty

killed the Beast.

Yeah, well,

there are worse ways

to go.

Everything okay?

Actually...

Actually,

things are better

than okay.

They're the hunky-doriest.

Candy was just leaving.

We got problems.

So we're more

like hunky-dory adjacent?

It's a train wreck,

that video, man.

That video is killing us.

What video?

Where have you been

the past 48 hours?

Um...

Did you talk to those lawyers

I texted you about?

Were they from the firm

of Young & Willing?

Come here.

We got company.

What video, Don E?

Convenience store

surveillance cam

caught a couple of zombies

ripping apart some lady

who had the bad sense

to bump into their hooptie.

And what's that

got to do with us?

Turns out, humans don't like

seeing men of a certain

"complexion" chowing down

on nice human ladies.

Who knew?

So humans are gathering

their pitchforks

and their torches?

You know how they get.

It's six humans in particular

who should concern us.

It's the six Border

Patrol agents

who we pay to look

the other way

when we're smuggling brains

through the south channel.

I guess they used to think

that zombies were essentially

decent.

Some are.

Well, now that

they've seen one

of their own womenfolk

put through

debraining process,

we can't pay them

enough to ignore it.

So who's here?

Think of all the people

in the world

you'd enjoy seeing.

It's none of them.

They're petitioning me

to let two humans

out of the city

for a dance contest?

Mm-hmm.

Dance of a lifetime.

No, I'm not letting humans

out to dance.

Producers say

they'll give us a one-minute

commercial spot

in each episode.

To advertise what?

Our tourism's way down.

Commander.