Jerk

Are you coming into the UK to engage in prostitution?

I'd happily take a rimjob, but you look kind of busy.

Are you a member of a terrorist organisation?

Do I look like a terrorist?

Actually, you do, a bit.

You look like you might have been blown up by one of your own, er...

..badly made devices.

Damn right! I look like the worst kind.

I look like a terrorist with nothing to lose.

Yeah, but obviously you're just a dick.

And I can't be arsed processing you.

Oooh!

I could so have a bomb in this bag ready to blow up a plane.

Yeah.

But you are heading off that way.

You, sir, are Britain's finest.

Next.

It is so easy getting into this country!

Thank you so much for helping me to the loo.

It's so hard to find good help these days.

I'm back!

You thought you got rid of me, didn't you?

Hoped. Hoped I got rid of you.

So how's life? What have you been up to?

Tell me everything.

Just sitting about, wiping arses.

Urgh. Did you text him?

Did I text who?

Tim! Oh, God.

You're back! How did you find me?

I linked to your Find My Friend on your phone before you left, silly.

That's creepy.

You know, he's so rude.

No. It's just I like to....

He's in the presence of an essential worker and he hasn't clapped once.

God. Sorry I didn't even think.

Thank you. You're welcome.

We should probably move to a bigger table.

OK. So whereabouts are you staying then, Tim?

Well, I've had a little trouble finding a place.

Well, er, my nan sadly passed away.

Fuck me, is this shit anecdote ever going to end?

Er, I just mean she left me her place.

It's not huge and it does have a slight old lady smell to it.

But, you know...

"Freedom!"

Braveheart.

Well, you'll know.

Well, that's great, I'll just stay with you.

Yeah, for... for a few days, that would be great.

Yeah. That's what friends are for, right?

What's "friends" got to do with this?

Good one.

Ruth, can you give me a hand with these?

I can't, I'm inspecting to see if Tim is going to live here.

Well, make yourself at temporary home.

What is the plan, Tim?

So it turns out all I need to stay in Britain is a student visa.

Nah, I don't think it's that easy.

Actually, yeah, that would have been simpler.

Yeah, so I'm going to enrol in college. Amazing, that's brilliant.

Yeah, I always regret my decision not to go to university.

Whose decision?

The university's.

Because?

Cos I failed my A levels. TIM LAUGHS

But, er... So what are you studying, Tim? Psychology, or...?

It's close to psychology.

It is...

..puppetry!

Pup... puppetry?

Dude, I just needed a visa.

And, being differently abled,

you'll be eligible for student accommodation!

I'll come with you and make sure you find the right office if you want.

Oh, who's that?

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Timmy, what's up?

Not much, about to go to college.

I wish I could go back to college again, get some ass and some drugs.

Oh, Mom!

Do you need some condoms? Don't be getting anybody pregnant, OK?

Cos they'll come out like you. Oh, no!

Did you try coke yet?

You got to get quality stuff, make sure you don't get it cut

with those laxatives cos then you shit your brains out.

And maybe, you know, you could get somebody to blow it up your ass.

Yeah.

All right, Timmy, you have a good time, huh? You enjoy yourself.

Bye, Mom.

Love you.

Love you, I love you...

Like, what time do they close?

The website said five o'clock.

Yeah, we're not going to make that.

Let's just come back tomorrow early in the morning.

And the latest madness.

Trans "athletes" claiming their human rights to take

part in women's weightlifting championships.

Wow, do you actually put identities that you're scared of

in "air quotes"? Answer the question!

How is it fair when you have physically stronger men

taking part in the women's weightlifting?

Well, I'm sure you can still watch it...

..crying and jerking off into a sock.

I... I don't do that.

At least we know which direction the Incel Society is.

That's good.

I mean, uh, what a bloody saddo, eh?

Er, I don't think I need your validation.

Hi, I'm Bobbiey.

Er, Tim.

Nice to meet you. You know, I just don't understand

how people can be so lacking in compassion.

Our difference is our strength.

I'm a white pansexual - who's not attracted to women.

Bisha is Indian and queer. Um, no...

You know, it's so hard coming out to Muslim parents.

But men like that feel threatened by - God forbid - Bisha's story.

Yeah, I mean, I couldn't agree more.

Er, I think minorities have got so much to teach us.

Er, as carriers of white privilege it is our job to learn,

not their job to teach.

That's exactly... No, I...

I mean I'm a big fan of the, er, Hillary Clinton quote about...

What, Hillary Clinton the neo-liberal war-monger?

What, do you think I'd like her

just because I identify as a woman and so does she?

I like your vibe, Tim.

We're heading to the bar, fancy a drink?

Actually...

..do you know where I can get cocaine?

Right, who wants a drink? Oh, I'll get these.

Why?

Can you not handle someone you perceive as a woman

paying for a round?

N-no.

I... I'll just have an orange juice.

Mmm. I'm not really sure I'm comfortable

being the only one drinking alcohol, surrounded by people

who identify as male.

Cocktails? Yes! Ooh.

I will have a me-too-garita.

And Idris will have consensual sex on the beach.

Perfect.

You can like it, he's never going to get it.

I actually wanted a pint.

Bisha, I know you're not allowed to drink and we all respect your views.

We may all be drinking - you do you.

I just want you to know, you are heard, Bisha.

I'm not really, not... Cheers to Tim!

Eurgh.

What, is it 2015?

Why don't you just stab that thing straight into a sea turtles eye?

Tim, er, needs them to drink so it's...

I think Tim can make the decision on his own.

Yeah, it's just the paper ones go all mushy. Oh.

OK, well, I guess if Tim wants to use a plastic straw that's fine.

Sorry... Am I still in trouble?

Yes!

It's called moral relativism.

And as Tim is oppressed as a member of the disabled community...